A
male
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:I'm 29 and have never had a girlfriend. I have dated some, but they've been few and far between for the most part. While I have a great, supportive family, hobbies to occupy my spare time, and a few close friends that I like spending time with, I feel really unhappy being single. Something is missing, and I just can't seem to figure out how to find that special someone.I've thought about possibly going to talk to a therapist about my concerns, but I really don't know where to start. I suppose this would be considered a relationship issue, but therapists specializing in relationship issues seem to focus on things like couples and family therapy. Who does a single person see to talk about lack of relationships and the issues and concerns that go along with that?
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female
reader, Keeley345  +, writes (25 March 2015):
As i'm studying Psychology, I can tell you therapists (who are psychologists) deal with a wide range of issues, and relationship therapists don't specialise in couples only. They deal with singles too.
Firstly have a good think about what you want to discuss and work on and also what you hope to achieve. That way when you choose or get assigned a therapist, you'll know what you want them to help you with. It's ok to ask the therapist what they specialise in and can and can't help you with. You're the boss when it comes to therapy.
Often people assume they've got to sit there and accept everything the therapist is saying or doing. This isn't true. YOUR'RE in control and can tell the therapist what's working for you and what isn't.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (25 March 2015):
"Women are generally on the receiving end of sexual attention, requests for dating and relationships while men are on the projecting end. It is easier for a woman to date more than men, because as long as she is willing to date among the men that approach her, ask her out, she can date or have a relationship if she wants to.
A man must pursue, initiate, escalate, and if he has any negative experiences that deter him, or if he is just very very shy, socially-awkward he could end up an adult male virgin very easily."
Yes, I know life, reality is not fair, I know Dr. Glover has mentioned that too, but this is an area of life in which I am jealous, envious of women because they are far less prone than men are to missing out on dating, relationships sex in their teens and 20's, because whenever you hear of people being a virgin still, never having a relationship with the opposite sex in their late 20's and older, 30+ years of age, you generally hear more male late bloomers than female late bloomers, or maybe men are just more vocal about it than women are, I don't know, but it does seem there are more male late bloomers than female late bloomers, which is something i'm bitter, jealous, envious of women about since their youth almost for certain guarantees they won't miss out on dating, relationships, sex in their teens and 20's.
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A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (25 March 2015):
 check out psychology today. it was recommended to us by a therapist at my husband's rehab. the website has a lot of therapists and you can narrow the search in many ways
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (25 March 2015): You can see a therapist if you're comfortable with the idea. I've been to a therapist before for other issues I was having but we ended up talking about my lack of relationships. He advised me to join a dating site. we talked a lot about my relationship past which was very little. I will warn you though, that therapist tend to find problems with the way you're living your life even when you don't have any. Sometimes lack of relationship is coincidental. If you like a therapist to help you figure out techniques on how to ask people out and proceed from there, I'm sure they won't mind doing that.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (24 March 2015):
 Are your hobbies "solo hobbies" ? Or do you share your passion with a group of people or at least a forum? Or do you just DO that by yourself FOR yourself?
I'm not really sure you "NEED" a therapist. I have put that in quotations because I do think most people could benefit from having someone neutral to talk to. But what is it that you think will come from it? That you will walk away and BAM instant GF/relationship!
If you have already HAD a couple of relationship MAYBE delve into those to see what caused them to not work. And make take a few idea on how to approach other women.
VERY few people end up with the FIRST person they date. Some even take a LOT more tries to find someone to be with long term. And everyone (women and men) get rejected from time to time, that should stop you. (certainly doesn't seem to stop anyone else...)
Have you talked to the people NEAREST you? Those who really know you? Because they may also give you some pointers you weren't aware off. Are those friends of yours dating themselves?
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (24 March 2015): May I ask why your dates are few and far between?
It sounds like you just don't put yourself out there, or make any effort to meet women. Even if you go online, and no one answers to your profile; you'll have to get out there and make yourself visible. You actually have to approach women!!! Even if for nothing more than to chat and flirt.
They don't have to fall at your feet and instantly want to become your girlfriend. So many times people get desperate and frustrated; because no one seems to want to jump right into a relationship after a few dates. Then they get treated rudely, and as if they're wasting your time. That usually results in impatience with that person, or they're given the cold-shoulder. Any of this sound familiar to you?
Desperation scares people. They sense your anxiousness; and it comes off as creepy to women.
You should seek therapy if you suspect you may have issues that may stem from a social disorder. However; keep it in mind that a therapist can't force you to be social; because that is going to be one of the exercises you'll have to practice.
If you have anxieties and issues with rejection; a therapist cannot be standing next to you to lean on when you approach people and don't get the reaction you want from them.
Before seeking therapy, decide what it is you're expecting from treatment. You'll also have to be committed to your counseling and don't expect miracles. They don't wave a magic wand, prescribe you a pill, and you're cured. They recommend actions and exercises that may be uncomfortable.
They dig into your childhood past, and ask a lot of personal and uncomfortable questions. You have to trust them. That's difficult with people who have trust-issues. They'll ask about your relationship with your mother. In the end, they will leave all the real work up to you.
So, if it is determined that you have no actual psychological or mental-health issues; what is your plan-B?
With or without therapy, you will still have to make yourself visible and available; if you want to date women.
You have to be persistent in your efforts, and learn to bounce-back from failure. You have to be an adult. You will still have to face rejection; and you will still have to be comfortable in your own skin when you are with a woman.
Maybe there is a case of arrested development here; but searching for a crutch to make life easier isn't always the answer. Life is a series of trials and errors, and often presents a daily pop-quiz. You have to choose the best answers that suit the situation. Even if you get a good therapist, you should be practicing introducing yourself to a lady. Expecting nothing more than a friendly chat, her smile, and allowing nature to take its course. It isn't easy for any of us. No matter how good-looking, or confident you may be. Sometimes finding a good match takes time, and a lot of searching.
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A
male
reader, Sageoldguy1465 +, writes (24 March 2015):
 I'm surprised... that - within your description of yourself and your life - there are several sources of interaction with women.... Hobbies, friends.... does none of that put you in contact with ladies?.. ESPECIALLY since, those that you contact through your hobbies, will instantly have something in-common with you (the hobby)...
While I wouldn't ever discourage someone from seeking "outside" and "professional" help, if they wish to have it... you may feel better to learn that MOST OF US (both guys and girls) go through those periods when we wonder if we're EVER going to find that "special someone" to spend time with... and, maybe, trigger a close relationship...
One final point ("guy" advice): WHERE one hangs out can enhance or scuttle his chance to find and interact with likely ladies... MY SUGGESTION is always to start in a library. YOU can go there to study your hobbies... BUT, very likely, you'll run in to one or more interesting girls there.... (AND, you can be pretty sure that they will be the ones who can read!!!!).... Just sayin'....
Good luck...
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A
female
reader, RubyBirtle +, writes (24 March 2015):
I'm not sure if there's a "special" sort of therapist you should be looking for - most well-qualified therapists will be able to help you look at the fears and insecurities that you feel are affecting your life.A therapist will help you look at ALL your relationships - not just romantic ones. And the relationships that most therapists are interested in is the one we had with our parents when we were small, because it's our parents who teach us how to relate to other people. Many people who have difficulty making/sustaining relationships need to challenge thoughts and perceptions they forged about themselves whilst they were pre-schoolers.... and therapy will help you identify those self-perceptions. There certainly won't be a lack of anything to talk about!However, therapy WON'T actually give you workable tips on "How to get a girlfriend" if that's what you're hoping. It'll help you identify fears and securities about approaching women (if that's what your problems is) or help you come to terms with loneliness previous rejections etc etc. But it won't necessarily mean that you end up with a brilliant new girlfriend after a couple of sessionsBut it's certainly worth doing
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A
male
reader, BrownWolf  +, writes (24 March 2015):
 The best person to talk to about relationship issues is...Yourself. Such as...why do you feel unhappy because you are not in a relationship? Have you looked at this site? Have you seen all the problems people are having with their own relationships? And you want so bad to have one? So you will be back here asking for help dealing with problems with the relationship you wanted so much.My point is...HAVE PATIENCE!!! LEARN IT, UNDERSTAND IT, LIVE IT. Let me explain...do not be like most men out there who want a woman simply because they want one, and have no idea what to do with one. A typical guy would say "I know what to do with a woman...have sex." Those guys are the ones we read about here on this site.Learn what it takes to be a good husband...yes husband, not a boyfriend. Understand that women have feelings too. Your concerns are not the only thing that matters in a relationship. Listen more and talk less. Once you have learned what you need to, and understand how to apply what you have learned...live it.No woman is going to make you happy unless you are already a happy person. So get rid of all your unhappiness, self doubt, and any kind of negative attitude you may have. Once you are a happy, positive person, it is much easier to find a woman...why? Because it's hard to find good things when your eyes only see bad things.A therapist tries to fix the negative in people. But if you got rid all of your negativity...what is there to fix?Let me ask you this...If you found a woman like you...unhappy with herself, and putting herself down...would you be in a rush to marry her?
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