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My gf is upset after we have sex, she told me she was abused. Any Advice?

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Question - (19 December 2011) 10 Answers - (Newest, 21 December 2011)
A female United Kingdom age 30-35, anonymous writes:

I have been seing a girl for about 6 months now, I am also a girl.

We have just started sleeping together and i noticed that she always seemed a bit off after. She eventually told me that she was abused as a young child, she didnt tell me who it was by. Because of this although sex is not painful at the time, it is after.

Ever since she told me this I find it difficult when I think about sleeping with her again as I do not like the idea of causing her any pain, but I dont want to upset her by bringing it up again.

Any advice or similar stories would help.

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A reader, anonymous, writes (21 December 2011):

This is verified as being by the original poster of the question

She was told by a doctor the pain is due to some damage due to abuse, i dont know what kind or anything.

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A reader, anonymous, writes (20 December 2011):

It might not be anything to do with the abuse it might be some other casue that causing the pain xxx but I get pain sometimes from over stimulation

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A reader, anonymous, writes (20 December 2011):

This is verified as being by the original poster of the question

Yes she has an orgasm as that is what makes it painful for her after.

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A female reader, everyminute United States +, writes (20 December 2011):

Do you think that maybe she seems off because she did not orgasm? I ask this because I would get upset if my boyfriend orgasms before making sure I am satisfy.

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A female reader, Starlights United Kingdom +, writes (19 December 2011):

Starlights agony auntIf sex hurts her (like i explained below) those feelings can make the sex uncomfortable for her.

Use lubrication also as that will ease some of the pain.

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A reader, anonymous, writes (19 December 2011):

This is verified as being by the original poster of the question

Yea she has had coucilling and emotionally she seems to be over what happened, well as much as you can be, she initiates sex and enjoys it at the time. The problem is the abuse left well damage and after climax it becomes very painful for her.

Since i found this out its all i can think of the after something that is meant to make her feel good she is going to be in so much pain, i feel like im hurting her.

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A reader, anonymous, writes (19 December 2011):

This is verified as being by the original poster of the question

I dont know if i explained myself properly, when i say pain i mean actual physical pain, as in it hurts her afterwards.

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A reader, anonymous, writes (19 December 2011):

This is verified as being by the original poster of the question

I dont know if I explained properly, when I mean she says its painful she means phycially as in it hurts her.

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A reader, anonymous, writes (19 December 2011):

I can understand were your gf is coming from too after being a victim off abuse myself I was older when it happened I was aged 18 and it stopped when I was 22 it was horriable and I was scared to get pysically close to my bf and sometimes during intercourse I get freaked out not because off my bf but because off what my abuser did all my bf does is stop if I ask him too and hug me just comfort her and be their for her when she needs you xxxx has your gf had coucilling

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A female reader, Starlights United Kingdom +, writes (19 December 2011):

Starlights agony auntHi

I understand what your girlfriend is going through, i've been through it and so have some of my girlfriends who have been abused.

What is happening is that after sex it reminds your girlfriend of the past.

The feelings of what happened during the sexual abuse comes up in her mind. The shame/guilt from the past comes up after having sex.

This guilt/shame from the abuse can be carried forth to other areas of life too not just the sex aspect.

Your girlfriend is feeling guilty and ashamed for the past which is making her feel the hurting.

Its not your fault.

I would suggest she goes to a therapist or talks to someone who understands. She should not bottle her feelings up inside because its totally unhealthy too.

All you can do is be supportive and loving in the meantime til she chooses to seek help.

I hope this helps.

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