A
male
age
30-35,
*penpalm
writes:So my question is essentially expressed through the title: what can I do? This isn't a matter of security, fear, or soul searching on my part. Rather, she seems to be feeling these things herself, but doesn't know what to do.We've been together for two wonderful years now. I want to marry this girl, I want to have a life with her. We've had our bumps and mountains (who hasn't?) but this is something particularly important. It's something I think she needs to confront and think seriously about.Here's some insight into what I'm talking about: before me and her got together, she was with a guy that also said he wanted to marry her. Told her he loved her, and took her virginity. Thus, she had a real attachment to this guy. Essentially, he was like a god to her, and her affection was limitless. Then he cheated on her, and that was that. She burned that bridge, and for good reason. But her love is still there, even after nearly 3 years away from him. And now, after 2 years with me, she admits that she doesn't feel the same passion for sex as she did with her ex. She's been kind of lost since the first day we met, and typically has a hard time figuring out what she wants from herself and others. To narrow it down into a single sentence, I think she needs to do some soul searching.What does that entail, though? When I say I think she needs to do some soul searching, I think she needs some time away from me and essentially the world. Which is a scary thought and something I altogether do not want. However, this is about her... I only want what's best for her, especially in this regard.So I pose this question for you guys, for the sake of insight and maybe even enlightenment: am I right to ask if she wants to leave? Am I right, that she needs to do some soul searching? Is this the kind of bump that we don't get over?
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male
reader, epicureansage  +, writes (22 February 2011):
Hello again - dude, you can delude yourself as much as you want. You're right - better she say something now than ten years from now. BUT what was it that she said? She told you she finds the man she was with before you more desirable. What blow my mind is that what YOU are getting out of that statement is "well, that means she finds me somewhat desirable!"I think your "glass is half full" assessment of this is very mistaken. You're speaking from weakness - which is understandable, but is no good for you. I've learned these lessons through difficult experience. For her to announce your "place" in her scale of affections as she did is pretty bold. I'm not even slighting her - she is being pretty clear, for a woman.N-e-wayz, good luck...
A
male
reader, openpalm +, writes (21 February 2011):
openpalm is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI can agree that it is indeed a bold statement. However, saying she might as well spit on me is a little exaggerated. It means more to me that she wants to tell me than you may understand, and it's better late than never. I'd rather be 2 years own the road than 10 years and married with children.Herein lay the contradictory in this whole situation and what you say: She desires me, but not like her ex. The idea that I hold onto a so called fictional woman who finds me desirable and who's heart I have seems like nonsense. I appreciate constructive criticism, hell I wouldn't have come to this site if I wasn't looking for it. However, based on experience, it's more important that she feels comfortable telling me this and we get through it.HOWEVER... GTFO sounds like a plan sometimes.
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A
male
reader, epicureansage +, writes (20 February 2011):
Quit being so passive - it does nothing but breed contempt in most women's hearts. You don't need to wait for her to decide - YOU need to decisicely GTFO. The feelings you have are for your idea of someone who doesn't exist - someone whose heart is yours, who finds you desirable. It's pretty bold for a woman to actually tell you that you don't "do it for her" like her ex. She may as well have spit on you.
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