A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Hi there, My boyfriend and I went out together years ago, but split up as it was too much, too young. We were each others first loves, and I always thought we would be together forever. Subsequently after splitting, my boyfriend has a 4 year old son with his ex girlfriend, who he left when his son was not even a year old as they never got on. We found each other and have been back together for 2 and a half years. I have no children of my own. The ex girlfriend decided she was not too happy with me being part of ex boyfriends and her sons life, and has made our lives extremely difficult. At first, I did not mind the contact at all, as I know that he has to have contact with her for the sake of his son, but she soon started playing up and making trouble between us, (I am questioning a fling between them) which he denies but also tried to cover up, until she threatened to tell me!! This very nearly split us up. I decided to stay but I told him that it was on the condition that I wanted him to have nothing to do with her, unless it was regarding his son! This, however, has gone in one ear and out of the other. Last night (AGAIN) I found out that he has been texting her about things which have nothing to do with his son, calling each other pet names on one text (I do go through his phone after last time, I know I shouldn't, but the trust is gone) he then admitted last night he deletes her messages once he has read them, and the ones he sends to her because he knows I go through his phone sometimes. I feel so deceived. also he and his family will bow to her every demand, because they are so scared she will stop them seeing their son/grandson. His family also takes her side every time. It's like nobody cares how I feel about the situation. Don't get me wrong, I am so happy he is a good father, and never interfere with his time with his son,but the lying and disrespect he is showing me is overshadowing that and I am starting to resent him, his son and the whole situation!! I am at my wits end, and am thinking about leaving him, but so far haven't brought myself to because I love him so much, I've always loved him. I never used to be a jealous person, but this is breaking me, it doesn't help that I remember the times we had together when there was no son/ex's - I think I have resigned to the fact it will never be like that again, I can't see it getting any better, I will always be 3rd best to his son and her.I can't cope with this anymore and don't know what to do, please help :'(
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (20 February 2011): so sorry to hear about this mess, I have been in the same situation and I walked away. I just couldnt' do it. Like you, him and I were in love the first time around BEFORE he had a kid with anyone else. so after he had the kid with someone else AND he had to marry her (he felt it was the right thing to do out of a sense of duty even though he told me he wished he didn't have to marry her) but then he couldn't stand her so he left her and wanted to get back with me, but I don't think there can be a future for us anymore because the kid changes everything. She will always be in our lives. His family worships her because she is the mother of their only grandchild. His family knows about me and he has told them how much "better" I am for him, but they pressure him to get back with his ex so they can be a "normal" family. there is no room for me even though he wants me in his life, but he's so influenced by the outside forces around him playing on his guilt over being a good father that I cannot accept the role that he wants me to play in his life.Your situation is even worse because your boyfriend may also be cheating on you with his ex. So it's not just a case of him needing to grow a backbone and learn how to set boundaries, but he may not even want to change anything, he may be a willing participant.I think in your case, if you know for sure that your boyfriend is cheating on you, then you should leave him. It doesn't matter if he's cheating on you with his ex or some other woman, the fact is that he's cheating on you and betraying you while still in a relationship with you. This is unacceptable and you can't control other people's behavior so you have no power to stop him cheating if he doesn't want to. Thus, to me the deal breaker is his cheating.If you don't think he's cheating, but everything else still holds, then it's a case of him needing to learn how to set boundaries. If he cares about your feelings, and sees how distressed you are, hopefully he would want to try and come to a compromise rather than just have the attitude that this is the way things are and you just have to accept it because the kid comes first (the "my way or the highway" attitude).I know you're not married, but if you read advice from family counselors for divorced and re-married families - blended families because they involve children from previous marriages - usually the advice is that your current spouse/partner and marriage/relationship shouldn't be sacrificed for your children from your previous marriage. This is not to say you must be a neglectful parent, or that in all matters the kid has to take a backseat. Just that it's saying that one's children from a previous marriage/relationships should not ALWAYS be placed above your current spouse/partner, just because they are your children. Think about it - if you two had kids together so it was your kid as much as his, and he put the kids above you all the time, that would still be a marital problem wouldnt' it? this is what they call a "child centered marriage" which is considered an unhealthy marriage, and one spouse feels neglected but the problem is not so much framed or perceived or interpreted as a competition with the kid and feeling slighted for that (since in such situation the kid is equally yours), but simply framed as your partner no longer being interested in you at all. This is just as bad for a relationship/marriage.This is not a question of "who should take precedent - kids from previous relationship or current partner?" it's about give-and-take and not having it ALWAYS be one that automatically overrules the other. Just as it woudln't be right if he ALWAYS placed you above his son, so it's equally wrong if he ALWAYS places his son above you. If he didn't want to have a committed adult relationship, then he shouldn't be having one. He may feel torn apart in different directions - pressure from his family and his ex to spend as much time with his kid as possible, and wanting to be with you too - but he needs to learn that the world does not revolve around him (and what he "must" do to be considered a good father) or his child. It's not all about him, and yes it's not all about his son either. (that's one way to raise kids to be entitled brats, by making the world revolve around them, having multiple adults revolving their worlds around one child to the exclusion of other priorities).however if you really feel that it goes deeper than that and he is actually cheating on you, then I would consider that a deal breaker and leave him already.Right now he may have everything he wants: being a dad, a relationship with you (presumably he sees qualities in you that he prefers to his ex otherwise he wouldn't have broken up with her and been with you), but also playing family with his ex and son. If you continue to stay with him, you're saying that you're accepting your "position" that he's decided you will have in his life. If you leave him now, one of two things can happen: He may happily go back to his ex, and they will be one big happy family. Then you will know that it was not meant to be, and you can leave him to his own life while you make a new one for yourself. (or maybe he will go back to her and be unhappy with her since after all they did break up in the past, in which case you can be smug about that). Or, he will realize that he really cherishes your relationship and will want to change things in order to get you back and keep you. But as long as you stay with him under these conditions, you're basically saying that you accept these conditions so there's little reason anything will change.
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