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*artyc
writes: I've been seeing my girlfriend for eight months and two months ago we moved in together.The problem is that I just don't find her attractive anymore.I am 30, she is 22 but she is very overweight and has put on weight since we started living together.It never used to bother me but now it does and a few days ago we went out and all I could see in front of me was attractive women/girls and it drove me crazy.I know this sounds like I'm cruel but I'm not; I just look around at other guys who have slim girlfriends and I feen terrible but also very guilty for thinking it.I've always been in a relationship since the age of 17, only having short breaks in between.I guess I'm scared of being on my own but at the same time it also seems like an exciting prospect.what should I do?
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female
reader, SilverAndGold  +, writes (27 October 2010):
Honestly, being physically attracted to your partner is important in a relationship. I am for the empowerment of women, but I'm not a femme Nazi, and I don't see an excuse for your girlfriend letting herself go like that. It's not just about her looking good for you (I'm assuming your work out and stay healthy and look good for her and yourself), it's just that in this day and age, with all the information we have about watching our weight and diet and exercise, she should really be hitting the gym. If you're not physically attracted to her, move on. It's your body's way of telling you that you're not very compatible. Don't stay with her out of guilt. She'll find someone who doesn't care about her weight and you'll find someone who shares your viewpoint of staying fit. Passion is important, and it looks like you don't have it.
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female
reader, debih +, writes (9 March 2010):
I might be considered "unfeminist" for this but...what the hell. I am so completely over girls ranting and raving about guys being "selfish" or "shallow" because weight matters to them. For one, being overweight is unhealthy, plain and simple. Call that politically incorrect, I don't care, it's the truth. Secondly, considering weight gain after a relationship starts, how is it not selfish on the girls part?? I notice a lot of times people will put up their best front when they're single, they'll dress nice, watch their weight, etc. in order to attract someone, THEN once they get in the relationship and they've "secured" someone, they completely stop caring, and let themselves go (i.e. weight gain). How is THAT not selfish? A relationship is built on partnership and sacrifice, and that includes everything: physically, spiritually, emotionally, etc. Both people should be solely focused on how they can love, please, and satisfy their partner, and when one person stops taking an interest in whether or not they're satisfying their partner physically, that disinterest is just the same as if they decided to stop satisfying an emotional need or a sexual need as well. However, like these other areas, it should be addressed and worked on before giving up.
Obviously there is an unhealthy pressure on women to look perfect, and its hard not to feel the anxiety or heartbreak from that, but i don't think thats what is going on here. This isn't a matter of everyday human imperfections or a couple pounds here or there, this is about one person in the relationship deciding that their health and partners satisfaction isn't all that important to them. And there's nothing selfish about feeling frustrated by that. Come on women...
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male
reader, Jerry54 +, writes (28 January 2009):
Wake up and smell the coffee people! The same is true for both sexes. I had a friend who said his wife wasn't being intimate with him anymore. She finally told him it was because he had gained a lot of weight and she didn't find him as appealing as she used to because of his weight gain. He was shocked at first, but knew what he had to do. He got a gym membership, used it regularly, lost the weight, and now they are happy again. I can relate to the story posted because my girlfriend has also gained a lot of weight, about 55 pounds. This is not due to pregnancy (she's never been pregnant), not due to a thyroid disorder or medical issue (which has been ruled out medically), it's also not due to working too much (we both work 40 hours a week). It is due to sheer lazyness. I know for a fact that if I gained 55 pounds (placing myself in the other persons shoes), simply because I stopped taking care of myself, my girlfriend would have left me a long time ago. Why? because she told me she is only attracted to thin and skinny men. I work out 5 days a week, so who do you think has the better end of this bargain? If you are overweight, do you know how limited you are with sexual positions? Endurance? etc? Here's another thing to think about, we can't do anything active anymore!!! (which we used to). I also need to stress an important point: If you are honest with your girlfriend, and it doesn't matter how nicely you phrase it (like if you just tell her you want her to be healthy), she WILL resent you, and think of you as a superficial arrogant jerk, and it will damage her self esteem. She will NOT look at it from a problem/solution perspective like my buddy did (most women are too emotional to step outside of the box and look at this from an objective, leading to an early death perspective), nor will she look at it from a health perspective (because if she did, she wouldn't have let herself go the way she did in the first place). There is no easy way out of this one my friend, because I have been in your shoes before. If you say nothing, the relationship will also deteriorate. I am going to leave you with a couple last thoughts. Many women are big on having their husbands keep up with the chores around the house. I have no problem with this, because I certainly do more than my signficant other on a daily basis. However, a house can be replaced, your body CANNOT be replaced, so it is far more important for you to take care of your body than your house. Your kids will thank you for it down the road when they get to spend a few more years with their parents, which is priceless. On a final note, when you go to your 20 or 30 year high school reunion, people might care a little bit about what kind of career you have, how much money you make, how many kids you have, what kind of a house you live in, what kind of car you drive. But do you want to know what will make the biggest impression? How you look! If you and your partner look fit and healthy, will will be the envy of their eyes! Which is also priceless. Enough said...
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female
reader, SnowyWater  +, writes (23 May 2008):
Stop using your girlfriend as an emotional buffer! she deserves respect. you cannot give it her because you are staying with her out of self pity!
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (23 April 2008): For me, it is important not to decide with your fears.
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (16 January 2008): I don't think it's your partner's weight that's the problem; it's more likely that it's your own emotions that are calling time on your relationship.
At the end of your letter you say that "I'm scared of being on my own, but at the same time it also now seems like an exciting prospect" and I think that this reveals an awful lot", mainly that it's only really the fear of stepping out of the comfort zone - however tantalising it might me to you - that now stops you leaving your girlfriend. I suspect that even if she was suddenly a lot slimmer you'd still be having the same feelings of restlessness.
Without wishing to sound condescending, only time will give you the acid test you need to gauge the sureity of your feelings and the value of an intimate relationship based on love and respect.
For the longest time I was quite promiscuous, commitmentphobic, and shamefully superficial. The time came, however, when I met someone that I felt really close to, and came to love despite their physical and tempramental quirks.
At one point, however, my partner's gall bladder burst following a diagnosis of cancer, and she flew to the UK from the US to be with me far too soon after her operation. She arrived looking yellow, heavy-eyed, and not just slim, but muscle-wasted. I was so glad to see her, however, and so concerned that someone I loved should be in such pain, that my desire to make love to her was as strong as it was when I was chasing some young hottie when I was "in the game", and our physically closeness that night was just as rewarding as any pick-up.
I didn't know that I truly loved her until that happened, and I suspect that few of us do know our partners, and the depths of our true feelings for them, until the chips are down. She died just over a year later.
It is clear from what little you have said, however, that this is not the partner for you if it is, indeed, love that you are after...
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (20 November 2007): oh my God i am at a loss for words. firstly at how, thank goodness,i am not the only one going through a problem of this nature. secondly at how the female readers are too personally hurt to atleast realize that as unfair and as shallow as the problem seems, it is a very real male problem.
let me start by saying i am 21 and i broke up with my girlfriend last month, after a year of courting, because i thought she deserved better than a guy who couldn't fully appreciate her or find her attractive.
truthfully i didn't know that as a guy i was really like this on the inside. it came as a shock to me too. i went out with her because of her personality (because i thought she was an awsome and intelligent person- which she is. and i wanted to love her with all my heart because ive always wanted to get married to a lady like her),but i don't ever remember finding her hot or thinking wow, or that's nice i thought shge was ok so i shouldn't complain. i thought only shallow people focus on the outer, i thought all that mattered was on the inside, i thought love was all that counts.
but i don't think the ladies quite understand the very real need for every guy to find his girl attractive (whether or not other ppo find her also attractive is not important). and here is my catch, my girlfriend wasn't fat at all she was rather slim, she's always being chased by model scouts and many guys would stop her by the side of the street for her number (everyone except me goes wow when they see her), but turns out she is just not my type, because even naked she wouldn't move my heart, even though my tisue fibres down there would instictively twicth.
the issue is not weight but finding the other person attractive in whatever element they are in. eventually this problem was big enough for me not to be able to administer my love...either i didn't really love her or i should have known better than try to love someone you are not attracted to i have learned my lesson, unfortunaley at the expense of her heart...
and i was sorry because it felt selfish, i feel shallow and ashamed for feeling this way, but i feel happier knowing i don't have to pretend and i don't have to hurt her more by keeping her unappreciated.
by the way it was atleast 3 different girls that told me that "you have hurt her bad, but you have done the right thing everybody deserves to be with someone who fully appreciates them".
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (12 November 2007): omg! you just totally explained my situation, i feel your pain/anxiety/guilt/fear. i think you should break up.
shell find someone else and so will you. its not fair on you bro, its your life. be strong. if not i find avoiding public situations helps cause you dont have to see all those beautiful girls and it makes it easier to cope.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (5 November 2007): I came on this site in similar circumstances, except i'm the girl! I've been with my partner for 15months and lately he seems abit withdrawn and can't often perform properly in bed. I admit ive put 2 stone on since we met and didnt think he found me attractive anymore. You've just answered it for me and I'm heart broken! How can you do this to her. She really doesnt deserve this! Mores the problem she has probably already twigged on that its a problem for you and its making her become more self scared of her weight problem and making it worse. You should be ashamed of yourself and start thinking about what shes going through because believe me,she won't be enjoying any of this. if you really love her you need to reasure her that you do and you willdo whatever it takes to help her. Most importantly don't forget to compliment her, it will help.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (5 September 2007): hey
ok its quite easy to get judgmental here, as a lot of people have done, but we first have to understand that this is natural and typical of our lower selves, our baser instincts. However our status as intellectual beings should mean that we try to overcome this and go beyond our animilastic nature.
I see that a lot of men are taking the approach of 'the grass is always greener on the other side' and unfortunately that is almost never true. There is one thing that any man in this situation should ask himself, and that is weather this woman is his soul mate. is she on the same wavelength? if the answer is yes, then i would advise that you try harder to make this relationship work, because if there is one thing that is difficult to do, is finding sum1 you are compatible with, character wise.
Now, we can't have u feeling repulsed from her, so what you also need to do is approach her about healthy eating and excericise, plz don't forget, SHE CAN LOSE THE WEIGHT.
Atleast this way, you would have tried to work at your relationship, and for this, i promise you, you will reap the rewards, because you also tried to reach your higher being. please do also take into account the long term, as cliched as it may sound, looks are fading, it's just skin, what ure stuck with is the essence of a person.
If today you break this girls heart without a valid reason or without having tried your best, then, you know, the universe has its own way of getting us back for the actions we do and the pain we cause others.
Think properly about what you're going to do, don't let the feeling of suffocation dictate your actions, and my final peice of advice, put yourself in her shoes.
Goodluck
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (27 August 2007): I notice that all the girls have answered negatively to this i think you have to get used to the fact that men are visually driven and thats the way we work instinctively we don't chose this its the way we are born!if you want to to address this you should stay as attractive as you can instead of arguing with it. i would love as a man to be able to find a woman and just love her for her personality and that alone, in fact thats all i want but it isn't going to happen. as long as there are are beautiful woman i will all ways want them. if one day i find the most beautiful woman that is also faithful and doesn't have any faults with my personality then i will be besotted for life but the chances of this are slim to none.so everyone finds the closest to this description and sticks with them and they get bored yes! but you just think well how hard was it to get this far and you make it work! that is it find the best you can and stick with it. I mean what do you do when you get bored of sex with that person!I have little faith in log term relationships as you can tell! so i have all empathy with this guy and nothing less!
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (22 August 2007): One thing that all you guys have in common (those who are not attracted to you girlfriends any longer) seem to be around the age of 30. Think this has something to do with it? I believe so. For the most part all of the girls that you fellows were/are dating are much younger than you are - - meaning - you are at to different age levels, needs and wants. You are obviously not the same person you were when you met her and using her weight as an excuse to describe this change is not the answer - may be the easiest one to blame it on - but not the right answer. Physical attractiveness is not all looks - it is personality, charm, life experience, skill, knowledge and well let's face it maturity. All these types of things attribute to attractiveness and when you can not pin point what exactly of that attractiveness that you do not find attractive anymore it is understandable that weight gain or loss is the easiet to blame. Look at how you have changed and you will then find out why your feelings have changed. It has nothing to do with your girlfriend. It is all you!
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (19 August 2007): Well, I happened to view this page while trying to search for the same answer. I have a GF and I do love her, care for her. But then, I don't find myself physically attracted to her anymore. If I break up I might lose this wonderful girl. But then I don't find myself physically attracted to her. And I keep looking at all other girls. I don't want to cheat on her by going out with another girl. I really feel she is a very special person in my life.
I am not scared of being alone. But don't want to lose her. but knowing that I am not attracted to her but to other girls I feel like I am cheating her. I can't lie everytime she asks me how she looks.
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (5 August 2007): Dude I'm in the same boat kinda. I'm also 30 my girlfriends 25, we've been together 6 years. I'm finding myself less and less attracted to her, but I haven't got the balls to do anything about it. Theirs so many hot looking women out their. I've been in relationships since I was 18 only three may I add. I think its time we both moved on, how is the question. Break it too her?
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (18 May 2007): Unfortunatly as harsh as what this guy sounds it's only human nature, i guess it's difficult for girls to understand but that's how things are.
I found my last girlfriend although i was attracted to her a complete nutcase and couldn't cope in the end and left.
Whereas the girl i'm with now i'm not attracted to truth be known but i get such an easy going life now and we get on so well i can overlook that, looks ain't everything, they all go old and ugly, including us.
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reader, anonymous, writes (20 January 2007): I can certainly understand your frustration... you feel as though you've been gypped... signing up for one thing and receiving another. Do you still love her? If so, perhaps you could encourage her to begin a diet, or the two of you could start exercising together. At the very least, it will get the hint across! Are there other problems besides her weight? If she is pretty, funny, intelligent, kind, considerate and caring, it would be a shame to ditch her because of a few extra pounds. ONLY YOU know if there is still love in the relationship.
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female
reader, willywombat +, writes (22 May 2006):
 This is a shallow non-excuse for dumping your GF.
And Dr Pete I have to point out to you that you presume his GF is as shallow as he is, and that she would dump him should he *let himslef go*. You do not know this woman, or what she would do, so you cannot presume this. She may love him for who he is!
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reader, anonymous, writes (22 May 2006): You need to be physically attracted to your partner, so if she has put on a lot of weight since being with you, you have a right to tell her you don't find her attractive.
But, you don't want it to sound so harsh. You can't be expected to stick with her, regardless of how she looks. She has to want to look good for you, just like you should look good for her.
There has to be a line between accepting her for who she is, and accepting she is no longer attractive.
I mean, what if she became morbidly obese, a 50 stone ugly monstronsity that makes you want to be sick just looking at her? are you really expected to say the words "It's all right dear, I love you regardless of how you look". OF COURSE NOT! Would you be expected to stick around? OF COURSE NOT!
No wonder you are looking at all the pretty skinny girls rather than her. Don't feel guilty - she would do the same if you were to let yourself go.
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (22 May 2006): I actually found this question when searching for my own answers to more or less the same problem. I have been going out with my girlfriend for 18 months now but I'm thinking of splitting up with her because I don't find her sexually attractive. I started going out with her because I loved her personality and we clicked so well and I've always tried to ignore the fact that I didn't find her that hot. But now I've come to realise that you need that sexual attraction in a relationship. Unfortunately I still love my girlfriend dearly so I have no idea what to do. I feel so shallow for wanting to split up with her but at the end of the day if I'm not happy then surely I owe it to myself and to her to get out of this relationship.
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (27 October 2005): This is a very difficult one to answer. I love my girlfriend to bits and she means the world to me, however I no longer find her sexually attractive. It is very possible to love someone, but not fancy them sexually even though some people on this thread can't quite grasp that..I would know I'm in the same boat.
The only trouble is, this may happen again and again, in fact one day the girl you love will go grey, wrinkly and may even have a colostomy bag..so looks certainly always fade but the big thing is personality doesn't.
The grass definately isn't always greener on the other side, as these slim attractive girls will also have their faults. Will they be loyal? Will they have affairs behind your back? The grass definately isn't always greener on the other side, but if you love her stick with her.
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (21 October 2005): I find it funny how many of the responses were "You're a selfish jerk", but I am sure there are thousands of men suffering from the same type of problem, not just with their partners weight issues, but other problems too.
It's no use calling someone a "selfish jerk" maybe suggesting a few pointers such as talking to the girl about it first would be a great start.
Oh, by the way, how can ANY OF YOU judge this bloke AT ALL, when you're not perfect either?
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reader, anonymous, writes (13 August 2005): Dear Irish49, thank you for your answer you are very right. This guy isn't alone, I'm in a similar situation and it's not just weight and attractiveness but my girlfriend's approach to life. The thing is deep down, I really love her and I can't bare to even contemplate leaving her. Unlike the guy who posted the original question I can face 'loneliness' in fact I love spending time by myself. But like the guy who posted the question I also find myself looking around or looking at my friend's girlfriends and I don't think I'm the only guy to feel this way.
It's perhaps a cruel irony that the girl I originally thought more attractive than any other girl in the world is less physically attractive to me now. But I lover her, and I respect her so what can you do - I think that's just life isn't it? I don't want to leave her, I don't fear loneliness, but on the other hand I'm not going to lie to myself when I say I don't find her drop dead gorgeous any more. That I think is perhaps one of the cruelties of being human - the grass is always greener on the other side.
My answer to the original guy is to search his true feelings, does he love her deep down in which case I say stick with her (only he'll know that). If you just don't want to be alone well that my friend is a low blow. If you don't love her and you don't fancy her then it's time to move on and see more of the world. Some of the answers on this page make you out to be some sort of monster and I think that's a little unfair. I say you can't help how you feel but you need to be honest to yourself about why you feel the way you do.
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reader, anonymous, writes (3 August 2005): I know this is old but I can't believe what I am reading so have to respond. You obviously don't truly love this girl. Of course attraction is a big part of it but firstly you need to be in love with them as a person/their mind and their heart. Once you have that then you actually find the person more attractive. Most girls weight go up and down - its a part of life. Maybe she is really unhappy about it and needs support and love to get back on track. Do the girl a favour and end the relationship. She does not need a man like you. My weight ballooned up by 10 kilos and my partner told me he would love me no matter what. Because I am the same person that he loves being with. With that support I was determined to lose the weight.
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reader, anonymous, writes (29 June 2005): I totally agree with Irish, Anon. What I found truly selfish about this guy was the fact he is "scared to be alone". So he's prepared to keep her around until he finds someone, he considers a more attractive catch. The fact that he "using" her and playing with her emotions tells me he is self-serving and yes, very, very shallow. That is incredibly cruel and so disrespectful to her. He needs to be honest, tell her but then he better be prepared to live alone. Learning how to create his own happiness alone is a key part of building self-confidence in himself.. and overcoming his neediness..namely the fear of loneliness. You don't keep a person hanging around, simply because you hate being alone. It's obvious from his words, he has stopped loving this woman. Cut her loose and do it asap..let her find a man who truly appreciates her just who she is.
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reader, anonymous, writes (28 June 2005): It's normal to not feel attracted to someone after a period of time. You get bored or tired of looking at the same thing over and over. If you're no longer physically attracted to her, then you must end the relationship. Yes it's considered shallow, but so what? Everyone has their standards, their preferences and whatnot. Irish-you're being too harsh on him with your words. If you don't want a relationship now, then be single. If you still have strong feelings for her, then work with her in leading a healthy lifestyle. You can work out, go running and eat together which could show her that a healthy lifestyle is important to you. Then maybe, she will change and you will be happy.
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reader, anonymous, writes (28 June 2005): Let me see if I got this right..the girlfriend has put on a few pounds. And she has "turned YOU off" because she doesn't have that "perfect" body you like to fondle and grope? Is this relationship just about you? I cannot believe you could do this to another person. Just keep her hanging in there until a better offer comes along. Isn't that selfish,empty and immoral? If you are not attracted to her anymore..be a man and let her go-and deal with the lonliness. To be honest, you will be forever lonely if that's the type of person you are. Even the skinny girls will clue into your selfishness. But at least, show this lady some humanity and send her off with respect and try to keep her dignity intact. She will likely move on and find someone who isn't such a shallow, superficial jerk. She'll find someone who loves her as is. She may not realize this at first..but in time, she'll be way better off with out the likes of you. Hey, she may even come back in a few years and personally thank you for dumping her. or....
You can tell her you love her for all the other wonderful things that encompass her as a beautiful person..like a giving, thoughful mind, her intellect, her strengths. You could support her through this tough time of weight gain. It's likely you are already "shutting her out" and she's cluing in to this. Step up to the plate..offer her some encouragement and help her. And while you do this...look in the mirror and really, really take a hard look at yourself. Do you like what you see? This world can do without that type of selfishness and empty headedness. Go be a real man...and learn about respect for others and honoring the lady in your life. And..be damned lucky you have someone who puts up with you.
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reader, anonymous, writes (28 June 2005): Stop playing around with someone else's emotions just because "you're scared to be alone". Of all the low-down, degrading & de-humanising reasons to be with someone I think that one tops the list. You obviously have some moral fibre in you so do the right thing & let this girl find someone who WILL love her for who she is & not what she looks like. As for you... go it alone. Find out what sort of person you are & then, when you're ready to SHARE not just your life but yourself, go forth & search!
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reader, anonymous, writes (28 June 2005): You can only follow your heart. And sexual attraction is a big part of it. If the awesome fun you have together isn't worth you getting past her physical appearance then I would consider moving on and finding what your after somewhere else. I probably wouldn;t mention her weight to her as a reason either as its your problem to deal with not hers.
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reader, Mitchy +, writes (27 June 2005):
Well look, you can ask her to lose weight. But approach it from a health perspective. That you don't want to be sad when she has a heart attack. I'm guessing from your post that when she was pleasantly plump you though she was fine, but now that she's a real fattie you just can't deal with it. So by suggesting that she change to a healthy lifestyle it's win-win, either she thinks you're a jerk and breaks up with you, or she makes a comittment and turns her lifestyle around.
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