A
male
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I'm a pretty indapendant person and like to travel and visit friends and family fairly often. The problem is my girlfriend of 10 months hates me leaving so much that she can't even sleep at night when I'm not there. I phone her a few times most days, text and talk online a lot but she can't deal with me being away properly. She lives a long way from my home so this is quite a problem. I only really get to see my friends every few months. We've talked about it but not come up with any solutions. Has anyone got any ideas?
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reader, anonymous, writes (30 December 2007): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks for everyone's advice especially happytochat and... oh I've just looked and that other particularly useful post and that was from happytochat too.
I do reassure her as much as I can. While we were talking about what had gone wrong while I was away she said she would try anything to help sort it out and I suggested that we could get some books. She liked the idea and she's just started reading a book which seems good. And that might not have happened if it wasn't for happytochat.
As for breaking it off; there are too many good things about the relationship for that I think. I've only mentioned a bad part here so maybe that's given a bad impression of the whole thing. I'm just trying to fix up any small problems.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (22 December 2007): I think Peorman was kind of perceptive and got out of you that you are making no plans for the future with her. That kind of changes things a bit.You see when I first read your post I thought you guys were like really serious with plans and all. But I agree with Peorman that since you are not, then maybe she isn't the right girl for you to be dating. Maybe she says that she doesn't want to make plans just to agree with you but a girl with a child probably needs more stability in her relationship. And it sounds like you are living day by day and that's quite alright it just might not be ideal for her. And its not ideal for you either to date her cause she is getting really attached and does want more even though she says she doesn't. So I think you should probably break it off.
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female
reader, happytochat  +, writes (22 December 2007):
When talking to her about it, maybe you could use affectionate/pet names you have for her, such as beautiful, goregous or whatever you may call her, if you dont use words like that normally to call her, then you dont have to start doing it either.
Speak calmly, maybe even hold her hand while talking. Give her reassuracne by saying that you love her and so on.
I think the easiest thing would be to start talking about how she feels when you are away, just ask her how she feels, ask specific detailed questions, to show that you are trying to understand. Remember to be careful of things like the tone of voice you use, as this can have a huge effect on her reaction and the words you use.
have you ever read some sort of advice book before yourself? if so, you could say to her 'when i was having trouble with such and such, i read this book that realy helped me, maybe you could find one that could help you with how you feel while im away because i hate that you feel like that and i would really like to help you'. that way she prob wont get offended because its somethng that you to do for yourself.
Ive kind of been in your gf's shoes before, whenever my bf went away with work or i dindt see him for a few days because he was sooo busy i wouldnt be able to sleep, i would be sooo moody and cranky too. However, i think that although the reason i was feeling like that was due to my insecurities that i did have, i think they could of been halved if my bf would of been more sensitive and not such a jerk about it all. I think that if my bf would of done any of those things i would not of had such a bad reaction to him.
goodluck, let us know how it goes :)
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reader, anonymous, writes (22 December 2007): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionWell neither of us want to marry anyone ever. Not school, I've done that. I like to party now and then. I'm not committing to any future plans now. Through out my time at university I've wanted to travel after but now I've finished it doesn't seem to be happening.
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reader, anonymous, writes (21 December 2007): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you Happytochat. Very very good advice and points. I will do my best to bring it up with her soon. I'm pretty worried about doing it. I've been trying to think of a way but I'm not sure how.
Yeah she did go for the antidepressants of her own initiative so at least she has thought in the past that something needs to be done about it, even if she's changed her mind now.
Your advice and kind words have helped a lot.
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female
reader, happytochat +, writes (21 December 2007):
I know it can be hard to tell someone you love that they need help, such as seeing a professional or reading some books about certain issues and so on...but when you love someone who needs help, love is about helping them despite how bad their reaction may be, because in the end your help should help them and make them a happier person. The way i see it is that its either she gets upset and into a mood when you suggest she gets some further help or reads some books, orrr she continues living with these anxieties while you are away and is in a mood everytime she talks to you on the phone. So in the long run, suggesting something would probably be the best option I think.
If you are careful about how you approch the topic and how your word what you say, you may be able to decrease the chances of a bad reaction. If she has already been on anti depressants then shes been to a doctor right? Did she go there on her own initiative? So she must know that something isnt sitting right with her and I assume her depression just hasnt gone away as she isnt taking the drugs of speaking to a counsellor...
Now that you have said she was had/has depression, I find it kind of hard to understand that she used to get upset cause she feared you wouldnt come back and now she just misses you, yet still has many sleepless nights. To me that doesnt sound right, are you sure thats how she feels now? Is there a chance maybe shes covering up her anxieties? I mean really, whats changed? She still has as many sleepless nights hasnt she?
That must be really hard on you that you like to go visit your friends too often because your gf will get very upset. Its not selfish to want to and to actually need to go see your friends. You need to make more time to see them if thats what you feel you need. You need to loook after YOURSELF, because if you dont, you wont be any use to your gf either because you will get angry and upset and you will start to 'lose yourself' and might even build resentment towards her. So its important you look after yourself. How do you go about seeing them since your gf gets upset? Well, I guess that comes back to suggesting she gets further help, because you are just a human being, you cant solver her problems but you can support her, but you cant solve her problems for her unfortunately.
hope this has helped :)
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reader, anonymous, writes (21 December 2007): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHer son is 11. We do have someone baby sit for us sometimes but it still only means we get a day an it's only once every so often. It's too far/expensive to go to my part of the world for just a day so i need a week to really catch up with my friends. But this means I only see my own friends about once every couple of months.
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reader, anonymous, writes (21 December 2007): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks for you advice. The problem is she has a child so she hasn't got the freedom to come along. She's always invited to but she can't. That's also the reason moving house wouldn't be so easy.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (21 December 2007): Why don't you bring her along with you?? I mean 10 months together is still your honeymoon period. I am the type of girl who is always with my boyfriends. I know my boyfriends usually always brought me along to visit family and friends at their insistence.
I am not saying there is anything wrong with your independence. My sister for instance, is like you, the type who goes off on her own without her boyfriend and I am the type who is always with my guy. I can't say one is better than the other because her relationships haven't been anymore successful than mine.
But why don't you bring her along?? I will admit though that her anxiety is a bit strange. But obviously it's not turning you off cause you still love her. So maybe just bring her along and make her feel special.
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reader, anonymous, writes (21 December 2007): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks for your help. It was very good to read (especially the bit about me being a good bf).
She says that she used to worry that when I go away I might not come, but she says she's past that now and just doesn't cope well without me she says because she misses me.
I would like her to get help with it or read some books but I feel bad saying that to her and it could upset her and make her get in a mood. She did start taking anti-depressants but then stopped because she thought they were making her put on weight (although I felt they were working, making her less stressed and I gently encouraged her to keep taking them).
All my friends live a few hours from my gf so if I go to them I'm usually away for a few days. I would like to see them more often but don't like my gf getting upset. The lack of sleep leads to her getting grumpy and every day i speak to her she has a list of things that have gone wrong.
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female
reader, happytochat +, writes (21 December 2007):
First of all, I think you sound like a really good bf for coming here and asking for help about your relationship and how to help her deal with whatever the cause is for her having such anxiety while you are away.
You didnt really say exactly why she gets so anxious and upset while you are away. Do you know? Have you asked her?
Depending on why she gets like that, will depend on what you can do about it to solve it...
I would find it hard to believe that the reason why she gets so upset is purely because she misses you...of course she misses you, but to not be able to sleep suggest she has high anxiety levels and that there must be somerhing more to it.
If when you are away she starts feeling insecure and has doubts about your relationship and feels that maybe you dont love her enough, then this could be a issue of her insecurities. If this is why then she may need to see a counsellor or read some books about insecurities and self esteem. That, plus with the help of you being as supportive as you can be, this should be overcome. Mind you, I think you are doing a great job, being able to talk to her atleast a few times a day...i know alot of guys who wouldnt do that for there gf's.
Why dont you see your friends very often? is it because you are so busy with your gf, trying to see her as often as you can so she doesnt miss you?
Its important that you have enough time to spend with your friends and do the things you want to do, such as travel.
Hope this has helped, keep being as reassuring as you can and sensitive to her feelings, let her know you understand how she feels and let her know she has the right to feel how she feels, but let her know that you want to do as much as you can to help her feel better.
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