A
female
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:I broke up with a man I have been seeing for 10 months on Sunday because he said he wanted to firmly define our relationship as physical only. He says he is not emotionally involved. I love him. So, I broke up with him. I don't believe that he was not emotionally involved though. He would call me 1-3 times a day, would want to see me even when there was no opportunity for sex, including when he was sick and just wanted me to hold him. He would watch me sleep, or half-sleep : ), and stroke my hand when he sat next to me. He still wanted to touch me all the time just like he did when we first met and would apologize profusely if he thought he hurt my feelings. In public he guided and protected me by placing his hand on the small of my back. We communicated and got along very well. We could easily make each other laugh. He said he enjoys being with me, likes the way he feels with me and likes me very much. He said he had feelings for me, but he never said he loved me.He announced that all he wanted was a physical relationship after thinking about whether or not he wanted to make some kind of committment to me for a month. I had asked him if we could be exclusive. I was wanting understanding. Back during the early weeks, we decided to take things one day at a time. He reminded me of this Sunday. I told him, yes, we did, and this is where all those days have lead us.Since he told me he only wants a physical relationship, I must accept this. But I need more. I feel like he's trying to box up the relationship and not give it any room to grow. I can't do that anymore. He said he realizes his request is unreasonable and I told him it was unkind also.I told him I had to hate him for a while to work my way through the grief. I said some other unkind things and called him selfish and a coward. I told him want he wanted from me made me feel like he was wanting to treat me like a whore or trash. I said these things because they are how I feel but because I hurt very much and I miss him and it is so hard to keep walking away.Am I wrong if believing that he really is emotionally-involved with me? Can he behave in the manner he did towards me and not be emotionally involved?I haven't heard from him since Sunday. I feel very numb writing this, but I really do miss him and I keep fighting back the hope that he will change his mind. It's hard to do all the time. When he was thinking about what he wanted to do, I had to keep hiding the possibility that he would not want to move forward behind this curtain in my mind so I would not think about it, and now I have to keep hiding the hope that he will return behind that same curtain.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (21 December 2007): Dearkelja - Thank you for your beautiful answer. I'm so sorry you went through that. I can't imagine how I would feel after three years because I'm devastated now.
The reason I keep fighting with hope is that when we first began discussing a commitment we had an argument and I told him I couldn't go on anymore doing the same. He emailed me about three hours later saying that he "was so stupid for not realizing that I was the one he was looking for." That's when I asked him to take a month and think about it. I guess he changed his mind.
A
female
reader, dearkelja +, writes (21 December 2007):
 I think 10 months is a lot of time to give a relationship and if at the end of those months he is telling you that he only wants a physical relationship, you have to respect those words.
I do believe his actions say otherwise but his words were said with intent. It could be he felt himself getting emotionally attached to you and for whatever reason, he does not want to go there. He caught himself and stopped it.
The words you said our of hurt and anger are completely understandable. I'd have said the same ones, I am sure. It was not fair for him to remind you what he said at the beginning because I do believe too that your relationship evolved beyond his words. I am sure he understands why you said what you did. He knows you were hurt.
But in the end, he said what he wanted and the fact that he hasn't called you means that he truly means what he said. He doesn't want to further hurt you by calling you because if you are NOT ok with what he wants (the physical relationship) then he doesn't want to continue to hurt you.
I am not intending to hurt you by these words. My intention is only to get you on the road to recovery in the hopes that you move on and find somebody who will give you what you want. I believe that if you were the woman who could have made him change his mind that you would have done so already. He isn't likely to change what he wants with you but do not be surprized if some other woman down the road is able to get a committment out of him.
I know because I spent 3 years with a guy who kept saying the same thing to me and I thought my love could convince him otherwise. We broke up several times because he kept saying he only wanted a physical relationship and he thought I wanted more (I did.) He was very kind and caring to me, same as your guy was to you, and I believe he loved me. He was not in love with me though. He ended our relationship the last time because he found the woman who could change him. They were married shortly after that.
Please don't wait as long as I did and continue to be hurt as I was. Move on and know you are doing what is best for you. I am sending you hugs.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (21 December 2007): Men are confusing sometimes..I experienced similar and my ex broke up with me after 4 years together and he said the same it was just a physical thing. It hurt so much and I loved him dearly. I can't explain why some men do this..maybe there is a possibility that he has his eye on someone else. But as hard as it is for you right now, whatever you do don't contact him. I made the mistake of writing letters and emails which got me no where. Hopefully it's a case he's a little confused with his feelings at the moment and needs time to soul search. Do not make any contact and hopefully he will miss you and get in touch himself. Try and focus on you, catch up with friends, family whatever you can to try and take your mind off him. I would say that if he doesn't contact you within a month then I suggest that is when it will be time for you to move on.
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