A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:My girlfriend has serious anxiety problems (diagnosed and medicated) and just doesn't respond to things in ways that make sense to me at all. She is in the middle of finals now, and her anxiety is apparently through the roof. Well, the other night, we were speaking on the phone, and she mentioned she was going to stay up all night studying and then go to work at 7:30 in the morning. I felt bad for her, so I said I was sorry she had to stay up all night. She immediately replied back with "I'm NOT sorry - I'm trying to stay optimistic." I just said "okayyyy.. my bad? I was just trying to express sympathy. I just hate that you have to stay up all night and work all day on no sleep." That's a normal response, in my world. That's how my friends would respond to me and that's just how I treat people and talk to people. Well we got off the phone right after that and then two days pass and she's pretty much gone MIA. Hasn't called or anything. So I call yesterday afternoon and we talk for literally two minutes and she acts cold and distant and gets off the phone with me immediately. I call her back and attempt to speak to her about what's going on, and she blasts me for stressing her out and "making her talk when she's already overwhelmed." How I pick the absolute worst times to talk about things and now she won't be able to focus on studying, etc. She just tears into me about how I'm "so negative all the time" (I'm not - I'm one of the happiest and friendliest people I know! Absolutely NO ONE would consider me a negative person at all!), and that she can't understand why we can't just have a happy relationship like everyone else. And how I can't just use positive words of encouragement apparently. She says that by saying I'm sorry to her studying makes it seem like I'm criticizing her life and feel sorry for her life and she can't stand the negativity. I'm like what?? I'm just saying I'm sorry you aren't getting any sleep??? That makes no sense to me. Then she gets off the phone and leaves me in tears, feeling terrible about myself and that I'm just a terrible, negative person, and how all I do is just distract her from her studies and keep her from the important things she needs to get done, and just bring her down. It hurts my feelings so badly. All the while, I'm just talking to her like I would talk to anybody else I care about. But she's just got such bad anxiety, that any little thing becomes massive when she's really stressed out. I wake up today and she's sent me a message telling me that she isn't going to have enough time to take her exam that she was studying for tomorrow, which just makes things even worse. Makes me feel like it's all my fault because I caused her the anxiety that kept her from focusing. She asked for a few days space and that we would talk once finals are over. I'm expecting a break up chat. No idea if this is really my fault? I feel terrible but I can't imagine what I could ever do differently! I try so hard to be supportive. What the heck did I do wrong?
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reader, anonymous, writes (21 April 2015): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you for your response. It's nice to hear it's not all my fault because sometimes I really can't tell. She tells me I'm "so negative" and I actually start to believe it.
Last week, she snapped on me for the same concept. That week, she had to travel an hour to get to work in the morning, so she had to be up super early at 5 am. When she told me, my response had been "that sucks, I'm sorry." Apparently I'd said it another time, too, so she snapped and told me to stop saying that because her life didn't suck and she didn't feel bad about having to be up that early. It upset me because I meant nothing by it. It's just something I say. Like I said, that's how my friends and I would speak to each other. For example, I had finals the week before and my roommate kept saying how bad it sucked I was having to pull all nighters etc. I just laughed and agreed. Anyway, I apologized to her for apparently upsetting her and said I'd try to keep that in mind and that I didn't mean her life or job sucked. That I just meant it was no fun to have to wake up that early. I thought I had stopped doing that, but apparently I didn't, as my apologizing for her staying up all night was apparently the same thing in her mind. Apparently, it was her taking me to mean that her life sucks and that her job sucks. I really don't know because I can't relate.
I have always considered myself a really pleasant person to be around and ovefall, a very kind and considerate person. To hear someone perceives me as so negative just literally shocks me and hurte me. It's not in line with how I view myself, so it begins to make me start to question my own personality. Anyway, your statement about not being a slave to someone else's issues was very helpful. As was to point out her blaming me for her emotional dysregulation. Thank you; it helps keep my head in check and remember that I'm not the one who has the issue. That it's her anxiety and her misconstruing the situation.
A
female
reader, janniepeg  +, writes (21 April 2015):
 You did nothing wrong. She blames her emotional problems on you. Her brain has trouble regulating strong feelings. A simple thing you say would be twisted to have negative meanings. With no sleep she's bound to be cranky too. Once final is over she would realize she overreacted and she would remember you are actually a wonderful girlfriend. You did not increase her anxiety. She's doing it to herself. However it would help if you can erase all negative words and think beforehand how she might react. But don't beat yourself up if you slip up and she took it the wrong way. We can't be slaves to cater around someone who has mental issues.
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