A
male
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:My girlfriend and I have been dating for about a month. We are both 22 years old and have already talked about what we want out of a relationship. She has made it clear she has a passion for black people. She wants to have a black baby either by herself or adoption. While she was in high school her parents fostered 2 half black children around 3 years old. She wanted to adopt them and was very torn apart when they were adopted by another family. She is very passionate about kids and wants to have 8. I told her I would like 2. Besides her first boyfriend, I am the only white guy she's been with. She constantly talks about how great black people are, listens mostly to music by black people, and has told me that white children are cute, but she just has a special place in her heart for black children. I come from a predominantly white neighborhood and even though I don't consider myself a racist, it's hard to see why she has such a passion for black people. Most of my friends and family are somewhat racist and I believe it would be very difficult for me to adopt a black child. I have confronted her on a couple occasions and told her that all her talk makes me feel insecure and that she would be happier with a black guy. She recently confessed to me that she was raped twice in the past 3 years. When I asked if they were white guys, she got upset and told me it didn't matter. I know now they were both black men. It frustrates me that even though they've done all these terribly unimaginable things to her, she still has such a passion for them. Not to mention that it doesn't help the fact that i'm really trying to accept having a black child for this girl. She told me that before she met me, she wanted to have a child so much, she didn't care who was the father as long as she had a child. This upsets me because it feels like she was sleeping with every black guy she could to get pregnant and only hung around black men. This is what I believe put her in the situations in which she was raped. She has told me that it is her calling in life to help unfortunate or unwanted children. I recently confronted her of the fact when she was talking about black children again, that I'm upset because I believe if we had a child together, that it wouldn't be enough for her, and she would always feel her life wasn't complete with just our own child and feel she would have a preference for a black child that was adopted over our own. She has told me that this is untrue and she would love our child the same. She also tells me that if she wanted to be with a black guy she could have any black guy she wanted, but I should be happy because I'm the only one she wants to be with. Her telling me this helps, but I still feel insecurities when she talks about black people all the time. I just don't know if it would be fair to her for me to stay with her, knowing this is lingering in my head. i know it's a very selfish reason and I feel like complete douche because of it, I wish I could change the fact that I wanted a black child and am trying hard to do so, I just don't know if I can change that much and don't want to have a child that I would end up not loving. Any advice on any of these issues would be greatly appreciated, I really like this girl, and I want us to work so badly, but just don't know if it can.
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (16 August 2011): Why would you want that headache? I would run screaming from that situation.
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (16 August 2011): She's basically saying, "You should be flattered. I don't like or feel as attracted to guys like you but I'm with you."
What kind of bullshit is this?
Think about if a guy told his overweight GF to be thankful to have him because he likes thin women so much better. We would call that emotionally abusive. What your GF is saying to you is no different.
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A
male
reader, Jmtmj  +, writes (16 August 2011):
 This relationship has an expiry date... sorry, but she's got issues... If her life was represented as a Join-the-dots picture, you'd be represented by the squiggle on the side of the page where she tried to get the pen to work.
You're just not compatible in the long run and she has an unhealthy, stubborn fantasy of how her life is going to turn out, regardless of what life ACTUALLY has in store for her.
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A
female
reader, ayerbase +, writes (16 August 2011):
First, I am sorry you are in such a tough situation. It really is. I am also 22, a black girl, and am currently in a relationship with a white guy, and race is a huge issue without even adding the prospect of kids to the table.From what you wrote I feel that the two of you have a good relationship but for whatever reason this issue is very likely going to end up breaking you up. Both of you should give some thought to that alone. Are both of your wants that solid that you're willing to make it the deciding factor of staying together or ending it? If so, maybe you really want two different things and your like/love for each other isn't enough to ignore those things.I can't say I have heard of anyone being so adamant about having children of a specific race. Adding to that, for them to choose to also be in an interracial relationship. It seems like she is deliberately putting herself in a difficult situation. And if she hasn't spoken to anyone about the rape she could really be working through some very tough issues on her own, and honestly may not be thinking rationally because of it. Its really great that she wants to care for unfortunate and unwanted children. I just don't know why they need to be black specifically. Children of all races can be unwanted and need love.Also, it must be really hard for her if your friends and family are mostly racist like you say... that is really tough. She may be pushing for her culture to be present because she knows your family and friends don't accept it. Maybe she's trying to see if you have any of those feelings keeping you from wanting a child with her.. like when you say you wouldn't want to have a child that you would not end up loving... because it was black?I think you both have a lot of other factors mixing into this situation and its bigger than the both of you. One things for sure, she needs to reach out to someone for some rape counseling, and there should be no baby making in the interim. Just enjoy your time together if you like her and want to be together. Just because you two might not be meant to be parents and all that in the future doesn't mean that you can't be great for each other at this point in your lives... learning from one another and growing together. If you want it to work badly enough, it will.. just let it flow and don't rush or push anything. And above all, don't doubt yourself. She is right, if she didn't want to be with you, she wouldn't. So just enjoy what you have and work on making sure she has support and help recovering from what happened to her. :) Best of luck
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