A
male
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:OK well i have been going out with my girlfriend for a little over three months and she recently told me a secret that she has never told anyone not her friends or her familyshe told me that her father has been what i guess u can call raping her since she was a little kid she is now 18 but still living under her parents roof. The last time he did this was last year and when she told me this she was shaking and crying. I dont know what to do could someone please help me because i love her with all my heart and i want to help her. Reply to this Question
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (3 February 2009): Women who have been raped live in total fear. The fact that she still lives with her father and probably still loves him, (he is still her father) and may be frightened to break up the family makes things harder still.
Damn, this is a hard question. Basically, she trusts you, she trusts you probably more than anyone else in the whole world, that's why she has told you, your probably the first person that she has told. She will not want to go to the police, this will make her ashamed as then all the secrets will come out. It sounds fine in practice, to scream for justice and demand this dirty, sick, wicked, evil pervert get jailed, but she will also be hurt, she will have to be examined and answer a lot of questions that she would prefer not to reveal.
Encourage her to keep a diary, write everything down, her feelings her fears, everything that she remembers. That will at least get rid of some of the feelings and help her to analyse the complex feelings that she has inside of her. The reason I suggest a diary is because even though you care, you are not a counsellor, you are not her doctor, you can support her but you need to stay emotionally healthy and not get caught up in her pain. Try to be a little more affectionate, lots of hugs, kisses without the need for sex. This will make you the person she turns too when she just needs somebody to be there to make her feel loved. Try to be a good boyfriend, take her out, buy her thoughtful gifts, things that she can carry around with her all the time, so that she knows that you are always with her.
A hard job babes, a very hard job. It's so not fair, not for you, and not for her. This lady has been damaged by a selfish evil beast. Other than being a little more loving, try not to treat her differently. Make sure she knows that you don't love her any less just because somebody has hurt her. She will probably be feeling very insecure, so try not to make the abuse the centre of your relationship. Your still boyfriend and girlfriend, just like you were before you knew about the abuse.
It is very, very important that she talk to someone. Encourage her to either go to see a counsellor or another trained professional, or talk to other women that have been in her situation. If you look around the Dear Cupid boards you will find many stories that are the same as hers. She can even post here and ask for help if she is feeling brave enough.
Here are some helplines of various organisations in the USA. Tell her you want her happy, you want her healed and you don't want the past and her sick father's abuse to hurt her for the rest of her life. Encourage her to reach out and tell somebody who can help. She told you, that's a start, she has been very, very brave. Now just try gently to encourage her to tell somebody else.
Incest Survivors Anonymous (ISA) 1-562-428-5599 www.lafn.org/medical/isa/home.html
Survivors of Incest Anonymous (SIA) 1 (410) 282-3400 http://www.siawso.org
Rape Abuse & Incest National Network (RAINN)1-800-656 HOPE www.rainn.org
She needs to know that she's not alone, many, many millions of women and men have been raped by a father, a brother or another family member. She needs to make contact with someone who has been through her suffering and knows how she feels. She doesn't need to feel alone, there are people out there who can help and who will understand.
Please contact the numbers above and tell them (confidentially) that you would like some help as well. This secret she has told you is very big, and of course you will now worry and feel emotionally upset, so it's a good idea for you to reach out and get some help to understand your feelings too. Sorry babes, such things happen in life, try to make her laugh and have fun, and make sure you laugh and have fun as well.. Blessings.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (3 February 2009): you seem like a great guy and im sure you'll do the right thing because you have the right intention- helping herhere are sum tips:dont worry too much about about it worrying too much wont do anything except make you weakerdont feel guilty at all remember you never raped her at alljust hear her out if she ever wants to talk about ithug her lots and tell her you love her and would hurt yourself before you hurt her.. rarara all that nice stuff that will help hernever be rough or violent or abusive at all- pretty sure you dont ever but just like be really gentle and nice and respectfulmaybe talk to a professional cousellor person?there are anonymous lines for talking you can look up at the internet for all ages all sitautionslol gosh id make a good bf.. too bad im a gf
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (3 February 2009): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionshe also doesnt seem to like to talk about it all and like we always messing around about sexual stuff and i always messing with her like lets do it now and stuff but now i just feel weird about it
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A
female
reader, lildeesbg +, writes (3 February 2009):
 This is an extremely tuff situation. To start you need to talk with her about finally telling someone about this, like her mom, teacher, other sibling, etc. She also need to get to a counselor. Is it possible for her to live somewhere else for the time being? This is something that can not be over looked or forgotten. Be her support and her rock. Tell her that you will be with her through every step of the way. No matter what the authorities need to be alerted about this because since she still lives there, she can get abused again.
Good luck, your a wonderful person for wanting to help and sticking with her through this. It will not be easy but with love and dedication will help you through.
~dee
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