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age
41-50,
anonymous
writes: My wife had a still birth (a month ago). We both wanted to be parents but something went wrong (we`re not sure yet). She`s been moping around the house. She is blaming herself for happen. I been telling her it isn't but all it does causes fights. She doesn't want sex (we should keep trying). its driving me insane. what should I do ? Reply to this Question
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female
reader, Firefighter's Wife 09  +, writes (3 February 2009):
I am truly sorry for the loss that you and your wife have experienced! Many things are suggested when coping with a still birth. Seeing as how it was a month ago, you might not have been able to do it. Some people opt out but a lot choose to follow through. It is said that holding the baby, naming the baby, and getting a keepsake such as a lock of hair or picture can help. It gives you tangible evidence that you really were expecting the baby. Coming home to a house with the nursery put together can also help. But for some people this can make it worse. Another thing, if you chose to do an autopsy, is to keep up with the results. Finding out what caused the still birth will most definitely help your wife to cope especially if it was something caused by nature, which I'm sure is what it was. Death is a natural thing that happens to everyone everyday, but when it is something you made you can never understand it. If you believe in therapy, seek one out to help you and your wife. It might be a touchy subject with her but it might also be just what she needs. Hearing its not your fault from you might not get the point across but hearing it from a 'professional' might take the sting out of it. Remember everyone handles grief differently. Cry with her, hold her, and comfort her when needed to remind her she isn't alone and you will always be there. Something else to try would be donating books, clothing, or other baby things to your nearest children's hospital. It will give you both some comfort in knowing that you are helping others who are grieving too! You will have to communicate with each other as to what you want to next. Some people want to try again right away and others like to wait. Just make sure you do it for the right reasons not just to fill that 'void'. Bring up the issue when you feel she doesn't feel so low. Tell her you want that family with her and you understand she is grieving that you are too! But that sometime soon you would like to try again. Losing a child in utero is usually a lot harder for the woman, seeing as how she carried it for however long. But don't let her discount the fact that you are hurting too! Be patient and remember to still love each other and not let this completely consume your lives. So cliché, but Time heals everything. I will be praying for the both of you.
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (3 February 2009): The only thing you can do is just be there for her when she asks you to be.It;s up to her to find her own peace within herself and with the events that unfolded as they did.Flynn 24
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (3 February 2009): Firstly let me say how truly sorry I am for your loss - I cannot imagine what that must be like for you or your wife. I have a couple of thoughts on what you have asked in your post. I think the first thing I'd say to you is that grief is something that people experience in many very different ways - and so the way you handle and grieve around this will probably be very different to how your wife will. It is only a very short time since your loss too - so I don't think your wife's behaviour (moping and not wanting to be intimate/try again) is strange. You need to give her some time. Whenever something tragic happens it is human nature to seek a reason or an answer - your wife is desperately searching for some way to make sense of what has happened to you and to your baby - there are no clear answers and so she is speculating that it is something she did - and probably no matter how many people reassure her that that isn;t the case it won't stop her thinking like that for a while. She wants to be able to blame someone, something - no answers are no comfort at all - I'm sure you know that.I think you need to try and let her express her grief - if you are able to cope with that yourself - and just keep telling her it wasn't her fault. I think you should express your grief to her too - and even your concern for how she is coping and how you don;t quite know what to do to help her - that's ok and she might feel better to know that you are a bit lost too. She has carried that baby for nine months - imagining a life with that baby, your life as a family - it is a HUGE loss of a predicted future - and she is going to find it very very hard to just 'get on with things'. Some days she will be better than others- but I think it is going to take a long time for her to recover. As for trying for another baby - that is something you will both have to be ready for - remember if you do fall pregnant again the pregnancy is going to be quite anxiety provoking for your wife - and for you too - so maybe having some time to heal and recover a little is a better idea - so she can be emotionally and physically strong for another pregnancy. I had a miscarriage a while ago - and I know my husband was keen to try again very soon after - it was like that was how he thought he could 'fix' things - he wanted to 'do' something, anything. That was how he was coping with the loss. So - you're not wrong for wanting that - it just might not be what your wife wants/needs right now. Try to have some time together that is good - just make sure she knows you love her - even if she is hard to be around right now. She's angry with the world, with God, with whatever/whoever made this happen - and unfortunately that anger is going to probably be misdirected at you at times - she doesn't mean it. Hold her - tell her you are angry too - but that you guys have to stick together as you are the only ones each other has who understands. Try not to take it personally if you can. I would also suggest taking up any offers of counselling - in my country we have grief anad loss support for bereaved families through our hospitals and agencies like SIDS - get some support - you aren;t alone in this loss. You could even access support/counselling around how to help your wife heal - you would probably benefit from having someone to talk to about how things are at home I'm guessing - it can't be easy for you, you are trying to be strong for you wife and handle your own grief at the same time.If you can - try to do some nice things with your wife - go out for breakfast or go for a little weekend away together perhaps, just things to help you feel connected and close. Just be conscious of this, I found that everywhere I went I saw women who were either heavily pregnant or with babies - and it was very hard to deal with. Then I'd turn on the TV and see a million ads about baby lotions or nappies. So try to choose your destinations a bit wisely.I hope this has helped in some small way. You take care of you.
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