A
male
age
41-50,
*nonymus2012
writes:my gf and I are in a long distance relationship for a year and a half now.We love each other and so far we have been very happy together. she met a guy in university who has been talking to her and messaging her on fb. he has been asking her to have dance and a italian lessons together, they are now classmates and dance partners. she has given him her phone number without him asking ( and without my knowledge) They will go out with other people tomorrow night. My paranoia dictates me she likes him and I see this a a serious threat. however painfully I feel it as a chance to test her to see how faithful she is in reality. I don't know how to handle the situation, I don't want to seem as controlling or abusive as she has told me about him. I just told her to be careful as the guy will be hiting on her if he hadn't done it already and ask her out. i told her i trust her because she is old enough to know what is right and what is not. she said she don't belive he is interested in her, however he has been contacting her often..... what should I do? we have planned to move together and close the gap in one year.
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male
reader, anonymus2012 +, writes (2 November 2013):
anonymus2012 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionthanks all of you for your comments, today we had a talk when she was back from her friends. I told her how uncomfortable this situation makes me feel and I asked her to make sure the guy gets the message that she is not available. (she said she talks a lot about me) I told her he may not have the best intentions, she said he is not and that he is a very nice guy (she seemed a little bit defensive though) I know the guy btw, he is a friend of her friends... anyways I just hope for the best, she has never given me any reason to doubt about her but I can't help to see this as a huge red flag. she is very naive when it comes to guys.to so very confused: we indeed have an age gap of 13 years and our plan to move in together is very strong. we even have a financial and immigration plan to make it happen. I visit her as often as I can and even go into the classroom with her. her family knows me and most of her friends too.
A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused  +, writes (1 November 2013):
 LDRS are hard. You are 30-35 and she is in university so is this an age gap relationship as well? Is she much younger than you? That will have some bearing on it as the younger she is the more chance that another year apart will be difficult if not impossible for her.
The issue is probably that she’s clueless as to what the other guy wants but she’s not interested in him so that’s a good thing. However, unless she consistently talks about her LDR boyfriend, she’s not sending the “I’m not available” message properly.
If you have plans to end the distance in one year (are they solid plans or just hey in a year let’s move together) then it’s not that long of a time although it can feel like it. Do you go visit her at school? If not, can you?
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A
male
reader, CMMP +, writes (1 November 2013):
I agree, your analysis of the situation is spot on. If she's going to cheat, she's going to cheat. It's best to let her carry on.
However, I'd have an important conversation with her.
You need to tell her that you trust her to be faithful, but even good people can stray if they put themselves in the wrong situation, especially if they're in an LDR, because of the loneliness. So tell her if she honestly wants to be with you and be faithful then she needs to be very aware of this.
I'd also make sure that you're clear about the consequences of cheating. Try not to sound like you're accusing her but rather talking about it because despite people's best intentions, things can happen.
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A
female
reader, llifton +, writes (1 November 2013):
 Honestly, you've responded in the most adult and rational way you possibly can. You know you can't control her and tell her what to do, but you can inform her that her actions with him are making you uncomfortable. And what you said is spot on - that she is old enough to know right from wrong. so that ball is in her court.
Rationally, you know that if she falters, you can chalk it up to discovering she wasn't the one. however, I know that's significantly easier said than done. But she is going to do whatever it is that she is going to do, no matter how much you stress and fret. Have trust in her and hopefully all will turn out for the best.
If I do say so, this situation would most certainly make me uncomfortable, as well. does she know how uncomfortable it makes you? My personal belief is that she shouldn't do it if it upsets you, even if you are willing to be supportive and understanding. You should come first above some stupid guy she just met.
Anyway, try to give her the benefit of the doubt. Take time and read the signs. If they start getting too close, your instincts will most certainly kick in and say enough is enough. at which point you need not be afraid to stand up for yourself. She needs to respect boundaries.
Good luck and keep me updated.
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