A
male
age
36-40,
*eekusa
writes:Okay, so here goes.I've been with my girlfriend for over two-years now. We had a bit of a rocky start, and we've taken a 3-month break from each other before. But that was a long time ago. For the last year or more, things have been great. We get along well, we always have things to talk about, we spend every free day together and we're planning for a future (house hunting, talking about marriage etc.)But lately she has become difficult to understand, she makes me worry a lot. Basically she will be fine for a few days, but then once or twice a week, she gets horribly depressed and takes it out on me. She'll be moody all day, and then when I finally get her to tell me what's wrong, she unloads all of her trouble on me. She goes on about how she isn't sure if she likes me or not any more and she's not excited to move in with me etc. and says things like I've ruined her life and how there are so many other things that she wants to do besides be with me. She wants to travel around the world, make new friends, study etc. I tell her she can still do all of these things but she says that she can't as long as I'm with her. She seems to think that I'm holding her back and stopping her from living the life she wants. I've told her that I'd love to travel with her and I'm fine with her making new friends, and I'd support her studying, but for some reason she still thinks that she can't do any of these things and have a stable relationship with me at the same time.She'll get really angry at me, say a lot of hurtful things, cry a lot. She's even asked me to break up with her because she wants to leave the relationship and do other things, but she loves me too much to break up with me. She wants me to be the bad guy and end the relationship. But then, the next day she'll change her tone and apologize over and over again, telling me she didn't mean anything she said and that she's just sad, and that she doesn't mean to take it out on me. The thing is, she says all this virtually every week. It makes me think she doesn't want to be with me any more, she's only with me out of convenience or because she's afraid of being alone. If she actually did want to be with me, she wouldn't say these things.I'm not sure what to do. I feel like perhaps I should do as she asks and leave her. I still love her, I don't want to lose her, but I don't want to be in a relationship where I'm being pushed away and yelled at on a weekly basis.Any help would be very much appreciated
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female
reader, Ciar  +, writes (5 February 2012):
 It seems clear that at the very least your girlfriend wants time and space for herself. Perhaps spending every free day together is too much for her. I know it would be way too much for me.
I think she wants the security of having you in her life and of being someone special to you without having the expectations of a serious relationship.
This yoyo existence isn't good for either of you. Give her what she wants. If after several months she decides she does want to be together and you're still interested as well, you can give it another shot.
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (5 February 2012): It's probably any number of things. The thing is, no matter how well intentioned you are, and how in love and hopeful for the future you are, and how strong the relationship is or has been -- this is the age of what-ifs, and might-have-beens. My gf and I experience some of these same themes - if not exactly the same. I think armyofme could be right, that this is her way of pushing you away because she has her own doubts. But don't leap to extremes here, like actually leaving. Think about what YOU want and what YOU are willing to put up with. You've already shown an immense amount of patience and care for her. "If she actually did want to be with me she wouldn't say these things"... This can't be true. You have had your relationship for over two years, but she is her own woman, with 20+ years of her own life, and it can be really scary to see a prescribed path in front of her. You've heard a lot of her concerns, but maybe you've dismissed them since she has been so quick to rebound. She's trying to add two and two of "wanting to do XYZ" and "being with you", and getting five, "he has to leave me, i'll push him away".I think the fact that she is testing YOUR limits, means that she DOES want to stay with you, but is simply conflicted. Slow down, tell her that you're excited about the future with her, but that nothing is set in stone, and that you still have a lot of stories to write together. The solution here is to TALK. talk talk talk and TALK some more. You're scared she'll keep pushing you away, and she's scared that she'll stay. When you talk, stick to the things that make you happy, and don't force the conversation, but express what YOU are feeling, and let her know that you feel torn when you hear the suggestion of leaving her. Don't blame her if you can help it, stick to how you feel - she'll fill in that part. If you don't want to leave, tell her that, and dont "stick your ground" for an ultimatum of leaving. Stick to your ground and tell her you want to work it out, and that you are open to options. Ask her what she really wants, take some time, and if SHE wants to LEAVE you, tell her that's a decision that SHE has to make. You'll be sad, but if it's best, and what she needs, then she needs to figure that out, and be supportive.I think you've done great so far in being supportive as you have. Be supportive even more and back her up no matter what, even if she calls it quits. Just don't let her fears come true. Work it out. I'll root for ya.
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A
female
reader, chickpea2011 +, writes (5 February 2012):
 Hi geekusa,
One thing I can tell you for sure, you are really a nice, patience guy. I know that you love her and have been together for a long time. My advice to you will be a break, but you said you guys took a 3 months break up before? Well, I really don't know how this relationship can work if your girlfriend cannot decide what she wants to do with the relationship? If you have problems right now, getting married will not solve the issues. You know what people say, sometimes you need to let go of the love ones.... I guess, if she has so much issues about being with you and blaming you for everything in her life, let her go... As much as it's difficult, I don't think is fair to you being mentally abuse by her every week. I think you are a very nice boyfriend, you even said it's ok for her to do everything that she wants to do and even make friends? I really don't see what else you can do on your part? If she says she's not happy, you are the cause of her problems? Let her go do whatever she wants to do.... I think after all these years you should think of yourself for once? Relationships are about communicating, compromising, make each other happy and supporting each other, and as far as you describe your relationship, I only see effort on your part... It's not fair to you. I hope you can make the right decision and what's best for your future...
Good luck/best wishes
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A
female
reader, armyofme  +, writes (5 February 2012):
Awh man, that sounds like a very painful situation for you to be in.
I think your girlfriend's behaviour could be down to one of a few things;
-She is seriously wishes to end the relationship, and she is conflicted so when she tries to do just that she winds up messing you about.
-She suffers intense fears of abandonment and acts out by pushing you away, as if to compulsively test your commitment. This kind of defence mechanism is commonly seen in borderline personality disorder. That you describe her mood as becoming very changeable around the time you guys are talking about becoming more serious makes me think this could be a possibility.
-She is simply frightened of this new level of commitment and it's causing her some genuine confusion and doubts about the relationship.
In any case, I think all you can do is focus on putting some boundaries in place. Talk to her and tell her how confusing and painful it is for her to discard your relationship on a whim like that. Reassure her that you love her, and that if she's feeling low or depressed, you want to support her through it and you'll do everything that you can, but let her know that you can't be a punchbag. Tell her that you'll be there for her when she needs you, but that next time she tells you to leave you will have to do just that.
Hopefully this will cause her to reflect on her behaviour and understand the true cost of her words to you. Perhaps then she will not be so quick to talk that way.
If she continues to do it, then follow through on your words and walk away. If and when she gets in touch to tell you she didn't mean it, tell her that you want for you both to take some time apart.. a few days, a week, two weeks, whatever you think is right.. to gather your thoughts and for her to consider the doubts she's been having. If she is simply acting on fears and doesn’t wish to break up with you, at least this will be brought to light for what it is and you can work on the underlying issues together. If she is having doubts due to the weight of the commitment, some time apart to miss you will help her gain some perspective on the situation.
I know this will be really hard, but I think it is all you can do - you can't keep putting yourself through this, certainly. I imagine it may only get worse if you do.
My thoughts are with you and I hope this is of some use.
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