A
male
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:My girlfriend and I have had a very bad sex life lately. It was good at first, but 3 years in she basically stopped wanting it at all. Ever. We talked about it tonight and she said that it's not uncommon for women to want to stop having sex after a couple of years. The example she gave, which was of my older sister (whose long-term boyfriend broke up with her) shocked me. She claims that she heard from my mom that they broke up over sex (lack thereof). That was news to me, but then I don't talk about such things with my sister.I told my girlfriend that my sister has an excuse (which my gf didn't know of), because she was molested as a child. She is still in therapy because of it. I asked my girlfriend what her excuse was and she said "Maybe all of my experiences weren't so good either." I asked her what I did and she said it's nothing I did. It was before me. I asked her why I should have to pay for something someone else did and she said "You shouldn't. That's why I feel sometimes I want to just kill myself." Needless to say, this was all very heavy stuff. I asked her what happened and she said that she can't say. She said she wants to talk to a priest at my church. I told her that the priests at my church (very, very conservative) may not take kindly to the fact that we have been cohabitating. She agreed. I assume I need to get her into some sort of therapy.I am confused as to why she suddenly decided to swear off sex 3 years into the relationship. Is this common for women who have had some sort of sexual trauma? Should I presume she has been raped or molested or is it possible it is something a little bit less traumatic than that? I know that before she met me she often had sex outside the context of long-term relationships. I am thinking maybe she was date-raped at some point? I am not sure it matters, but I am just trying to get a handle on things.
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (4 June 2011): "Should I presume she has been raped or molested or is it possible it is something a little bit less traumatic than that?"Don't assume anything.It is not normal to stop desiring sex.This is enormously common after sexual abuse, neglect, abandonment, with adult children of alcoholic parents (it is the part of running away from commitment after seeking it and getting it), and she does need help.I say don't assume anything because I've been there. It was a struggle in my marriage for years with sex being on and off and occasionally 3-4 months without it, and I was not on the low end of sexual drive. It took my wife nearly 20 years to begin talking, we nearly separated/divorced before it happened and in the end that was what it took to get her to talk, either talk or lose the relationship. What I found out was staggering, and she had never told anyone before, not any doctor, counselor, friend, family member, etc.Don't ask if you aren't going to be there after the talking is done. It is to traumatic for someone to finally give it all up and then be rejected afterward as well.""You shouldn't. That's why I feel sometimes I want to just kill myself."Also very common, and suicide/suicide attempt is not unusual.Briefly, just in case you want to have a pretext of what you might confront if you are there. My wife was...Neglected by her parents (I knew this but it was worse than I knew...her parents basically didn't protect her from an early age).Verbally and emotionally abused by her stepmother.Sexually molested, along with all her siblings.Had to watch her stepsister be molested...in front of her stepmother...with her stepmother's apparent approval.Attempted rape by a neighbor.Raped at least 5 times by different people.Suicide attempt at 19.Abortions (one from a rape).Had an affair (in our marriage).Raped by the man she was having an affair with.She thinks she may have had over 200 sexual partners before she met me, drug and alcohol fueled.Alcoholic - closeted - I didn't know she was drinking.Using illicit drugs - I didn't know she was using.Drank to get through the day, to forget, to suppress the memories.Usually a week didn't go by that she didn't think of killing herself...but didn't because we had children.So, counseling helps, but don't be surprised, and don't ask if you don't have the balls to handle it.
A
female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (4 June 2011):
 I don't think this is common at all. It is definitely not common for women to not want sex a few years into a relationship. But she's saying it is so that she doesn't feel like a freak, and perhaps she feels under attack by you, and therefor need a "good excuse". You even asked her what excuse she has. And now she's on the look-out of an excuse! But there might not even be one.
Some people lose their appetite for sex, with no reason behind it. It just happens. It's too bad, but not all problems have a defined cause or solution. Talking to a counselor might help her. Maybe there is something missing in your relationship. Who knows.
But, unless you know there is a specific reason behind her lack of appetite for sex, don't try to think that there is one. My bet is that there is no specific reason. And if she had been sexually molested, she'd have either told you by now, or been uncertain about sex with you from day 1.
If you're traumatized you're traumatized all the time. It's not fine for 3 years and then BAM!, you're back to being traumatized.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (4 June 2011): It sounds as if your partner might have suffered abuse of some kind in her past. It is 'normal' for some to deny it and live for years without mentioning a thing about it. That goes for women and men. Then suddenly they hit 'the wall' and cant go on pretending any more.
Asking why you should suffer for it is not helpful. She is not trying to make you suffer. She is the one who is suffering. Telling you it is normal to go off sex is just an excuse. Telling you she sometimes feels like killing herself is very worrying and suggests depression. She might do well to visit her doctor for a chat and check up.
She is obviously suffering, so ease off the gas about sex for a while until you know more. And for now just be supportive. Counselling is non-judgmental and will help her to talk about what is bothering her.
You will need a handle on things. A compass point. You have suddenly been dropped into unknown territory and it can be very perplexing.
She obviously doesn't want to go into details right now and that is normal and OK. However, you have a legitimate need to know something, however small. So you could try writing down a few thoughts that bother you. Like the types of abuse that are on your mind. Ask her if she would feel comfortable marking anything on the list that relates to her.
If she agrees it will help you get a handle on what it bothering her without her having to actually having to speak about it. If she does throw you a clue, try not to press her for details afterwards. It will be hard not to want more answers... but she has to feel she has space and is not being pressured.
Often when people start to communicate about abuse it is extremely difficult for them because they feel shame, fear and dread the thought of rejection. Talking about it can be as traumatic for them as the actual events. So being 'heavy handed' or trying to overlay how they feel with your own emotions can be way too much for them to cope with and they completely shut down. You don't want that to happen, so be very patient.
Try and get her to go see her doctor asap and source counselling for her. All the best.
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A
female
reader, Aunty Susie  +, writes (4 June 2011):
 She does need help. She should see her doctor to start with, who can then refer her on to the appropriate professional for her. I am with you on the talking to a priest issue, I can't see that as too helpful. There is no point in speculating on what actually happened to her. Just let her know that you are there for her, and will be the support that she needs.
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