A
male
age
30-35,
*akar
writes:Hi there.I have a girlfriend and I love. I sometimes do nice and cute stuff to make her happy. And I usually expect to be rewarded for doing so by her as well.As it appears, she doesn't share my point of view. I offered her to make a romantic dinner on her birthday and she told me that she didn't want me to please and then expect or demand something from her. Her point of view is - she does nothing and expects nothing.We argued about this and I thought I was wrong demanding her to reward me and do nice stuff so I won't do that again. However, I still disagree that relations should work the way she thinks is OK.I still gonna please her because I love her, though I really want to be rewarded for that. I think in relationship partners should both please each other.Can I do something to help us find compromise?Need your help! Reply to this Question
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
male
reader, Makar +, writes (11 September 2014):
Makar is verified as being by the original poster of the question Hey guys, just an update. We broke up. We really didn't seem to be incompatible. Thanks for the answers from those who took time to read the question properly.
A
female
reader, eyeswideopen  +, writes (5 June 2013):
 Yeah please give more detail, cause there's a heap of difference between pleasing her with a box of chocolates then expecting her to please you with anal sex. So some examples if you will.
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A
female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (5 June 2013):
 What does "please" you mean, exactly? For exampled, do you mean a domestic task such as taking your clothes and washing them? Or a romantic gesture, such as bringing you a nice card and some chocolates? Or a sexual gesture, such as giving oral sex?
I have to say, it doesn't sound very promising from her side. If she has said, out loud, to you that she expects nothing and prefers to give nothing, then she's laid out her relationship views.
I don't think you two are compatible. Sorry!
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (5 June 2013): "I please her and don't expect anything, but she doesn't ever please me. Is it normal, maybe she doesn't love me?"
In that very simple analogy then yes, she's the one who is being selfish.
If she never does anything for you then she's either selfish, lazy or not all that into you.
In those circumstances I'd talk it out with her and tell her how I felt. I wouldn't go tit for tat and stop doing things for her, I'd just make it clear we're not going to work as a couple if she's not bothered meeting my needs.
Pretty simple OP. If she won't then you're best off walking away.
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A
male
reader, Makar +, writes (5 June 2013):
Makar is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI am very glad to receive so much feedback.
However, I've already stated that I had realized that I had been wrong. Now I am just doing what I always do and though I can't make myself not to expect anything, I don't ever demand anything from her.
You all took time to write that I am being selfish. That's great. But it doesn't look like anyone has answered the question itself.
Let's go from here: I please her and don't expect anything, but she doesn't ever please me. Is it normal, maybe she doesn't love me?
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (30 May 2013): No there's no compromise here OP because your attitude is flawed and you're being an idiot.
How can you ever expect her to feel special when you only do things to get things in return?
You're not in a relationship OP you're in a business transaction.
This morning before my fiancée went to work, I got up before her and put on some breakfast to cook. I gave her head before she went in for her shower and when she was done, her breakfast was ready for her. Why did I do those things? Because at the moment she has a report she's compiling due soon for work and is under a lot of pressure. Not only do I want to ease her burden but I wanted her day to start off well, I wanted her to go to work today sexually satisfied, with food in her stomach and knowing how loved she is by me.
That's enough for me. I don't need anything in return for that because I know by doing things like that I make her happy, when she's happy I'm happy and she does things for me not because I make a list of what she owes me but because she wants to be good to me in return.
You see the principle you talk about is right OP. Relationships do have to be balanced in terms of give and take but you never, ever ask a woman to be rewarded for anything. If they feel you only do things because you want to be rewarded then you don't actually love them.
You don't love her OP, you love yourself and she then is a tool to you, one which you're using to get the things you want from her.
You doing something then doesn't mean anything at all other than a means for you to get what you want.
OP guess how we prove to women we love them, by doing things for them just because we love them without expecting anything in return.
You can't claim to love someone when you do nothing out of love alone. You do everything to get something back, you never do anything just to see her smile, you never do anything just because you love her. For you loving her is not enough.
There's no compromise here OP, you're 100% wrong. You need to change your attitude and if you can't do something just to make her happy without expecting anything in return then you don't love her.
My day started off great too OP, by doing those things for my fiancée I feel great. She's not going to reward me for that at all either because she's under huge stress at the moment and her head's not in a place where she can devote her energy to me. So I serve her needs now, I do everything I can to help her until this passes and when things are back to normal I'll get rewarded as a matter of course because she's my partner and does these things for me when I need her to aswell.
You can't force balance you either get it or you don't and well OP with guys who are as selfish as you, you're not going to find it until you stop demanding things.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (30 May 2013): I have to say I agree with your girlfriend. I love to do nice things for my boyfriend but I do it to make him happy, not for what I can get out of it myself. That's extremely selfish and a little bit manipulative to be honest. A relationship should be based on mutual love and respect and good deeds should be part of an expression of that, not to be used as leverage to basically force the other person into doing something nice for you when you want it.
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A
female
reader, R1  +, writes (30 May 2013):
 I think your girlfriend is right. Doing things for someone only to get rewarded is very selfish. If you do something for someone you need to expect nothing in return. Why would she want to do anything for you when your actions are so selfish?
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (30 May 2013): Because you set the initial expectations with your girlfriend that you should be rewarded for your good deeds, you made her sour towards you. You may not be aware of this, but you are actually being very selfish. I would not respond well to that either. You basically turned her off. If you want her to warm up to you again, then you should do things for her without expecting anything in return. When she warms up to you again, you will be richly rewarded.
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