A
female
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:Dear Cupid,I have been single for ten years now and I want to be back with my ex he is my daughter father I moved to another state to get my life together I stopped drinking and getting high( pot) .Now that we are going older the children are grown we want to rekindle the flame between each other but he still has to work on his drinking that's what really gets me I don't want to take him back and then this pattern will continue.We had many arguments and fights the whole nine yards but I love him for all the right reasons but is taking him back dangerous:\
View related questions:
my ex Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, Caring Aunty A  +, writes (30 May 2013):
 When you say you love him for all the right reasons; I always ask myself this question when I’m thinking of re-cycling… Do I love the person they are (DRUNK) OR Do I love the person I want them to be (SOBER)?
I also think after 10 years you’ve sobered up and done remarkably well :) yet nothing has obviously changed with him as he’s still drinking :(! Therefore the tendency will be for you to go back and change him when you know he has to change himself!? Don’t forget he’s also had 10 years to sort out his drinking etc.
When you talk about ‘rekindling the flame’ I believe you’ll be stepping back into the ring of fire!?
Take Care – CAA
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (30 May 2013): I took my alcoholic husband back after he promised he had changed, stopped getting drunk, dealt with his demons and said he didn't get angry any more....It took one week for his old ways to come back, but it took six years till he left again, and it was 1000x harder the second time. Don't do it. It is dangerous. Even if he is sober now, I would consider it a dangerous move. You are remembering all the good things, and good feelings, but it won't take long till all the bad stuff creeps back in.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (30 May 2013): Yes Op it's dangerous and you know it.
You've gone through the whole detox process you know how hard it is and how you need to not have your head messed up by romance when you're doing it.
OP you'll just hinder his recovery if not stop it completely and may even relapse yourself.
OP you're talking about throwing yourself right into the middle of an addiction it took you years to recover from. Nothing is worth that, no one is worth that.
You moved to another state, you completely and drastically turned your life around and now you're talking about jumping right back into that situation again?
He's not ready for a relationship OP, he's still in the place where you used to be and fought so hard to escape, until he too is out of that place then he has nothing but grief and emotional pain to offer you and maybe even you falling back into a lifestyle you felt was so bad you had to run away.
OP you may love him for the right reasons, but in your experience is anyone's love ever enough to make things work? No it's not. On a practical level is this workable? Right now it's not is it?
OP you're also old enough to know that getting into a relationship with someone who you want to change is not workable. You literally have something you will be fighting over from the beginning and you know for a fact the pattern will continue.
Stop letting your love blind you OP. He's old news, he's still living in that place where you fought so hard to escape, don't kid yourself into thinking you're somehow bullet proof and that the fights over his drinking and you wanting him to change won't lead you to finding a solution at the end of a bottle again.
You come first, don't throw everything you've worked so hard to build to become this guys mother/counsellor and try and fix him. You're just going to end up his enabler and you may very well destroy all that you've built and have to go through all the healing again.
...............................
A
female
reader, Keeley345  +, writes (30 May 2013):
It is would be a risk if he hasn't conquered his demons. As you have it's best to avoid any situation where you might fall back into old ways. It could happen. Say for example a friend of yours who did drugs and alcohol or had not fully recovered from their addictions, asked to come and live with you, would you let them? Emotionally would you feel comfortable and secure to? What if they left drug paraphernalia or alcohol about or maybe offered you just one drag of pot or one sip of alcohol, would you be able to say no? What if you were depressed or stressed out at that moment? Don't invite the demons back in even if they're someone elses. Are you with the AA or narcotics anonymous? If so, talk to someone there about this. They're trained to help. Also another format addict may be able to relate or advise from personal experience. If you are not a member of these support groups, I'd urge you to join. You've overcome your addictions but will always be at risk.
...............................
A
female
reader, Atsweet1 +, writes (30 May 2013):
 Its only dangerous if he a volitile abusive drunk. Give him a 2nd or another chance. People do change and mature and grow up. We know when we are putting ourselves in danger. Its call womens intution. If he will be a responsible drinker I dont see a issue. Communicate you concerns and issues about the drinking. I have been told Im a jerk when I drink but compared to what it could have turn into. I went and got help for drinking and weed. I grew up in drugs and alcohol I dont want to hurt those I love and care about the way I was hurt. Im sure he doesnt either.
...............................
|
