A
male
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:So I have been dating my girlfriend for over 6 months now. It's pretty serious. In many ways she's exactly what I want in a girl. The problem is that she cries way too often, over little things, and I don't know what I can do about it. For example, the latest thing that made her blow up was that she exceeded her Criket broadband and netflix was too slow to watch a movie. I explained to her that despite it being freezing outside, we have a warm place, food, a couple bottles of wine, other forms of entertainment, and each other. There is absolutely no reason to be crying like this on a Friday night!This is just one of the many things, I care about her a lot. I try to be sympathetic and say all the right things. Honestly, it's wearing on me and I don't know how many more times I can deal with it happening. Additional factors include: she is in debt (as I am), she's overweight, she doesn't budget her money well.I don't want to lose her but I'm afraid that after awhile I will have to. I can't have this negativity in my life all the time. I try to be compassionate, sensitive, logical, the whole thing and nothing works. Is there anything that can help her besides seeing a counselor and possibly getting meds? Which I have before suggested to her...
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female
reader, Abella +, writes (4 December 2010):
 Crocodile tears are such a bore. Some women can turn them on like a tap, as a manipulative tool.
Especially used to produce a guilt trip in others. Used to distract from the real issue. Used to try to get a better deal for themselves. Used to help them get their own way. Used to try to shut down an opponent in a fight when they are losing. Used to try to make people feel sorry for
her
Your gf needs more discipline, to spend less, to cut up her credit card, to think what others things she can do to increase her income. Put all that income into reducing debt.
Both of you cd start walking at the weekends together in a big pretty park
.
Do not be swayed by crocodile tears. They are always a dishonest device.
Walk out of the room every time the crocodile tears start.
Crocodile tears need an audience.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (4 December 2010): I had a hypersensitive girlfriend before and for gods sake don't do what I did in the start and sarcastically coddle her. I used to ask her if she wanted her diaper changed and stuff. Not good hehe.
I dealt with it by just brushing it off. No big deal. You see the other posters told you not to treat her like a baby or a child but in a sense that's exactly what you should do. Hear me out.
You ever see a kid that falls and scrapes their knee and they start crying? Yeah pretty normal right? Wrong, that's a learned behaviour. If you look at that kid again you'll see they wait until an adult sees them before they start crying, some won't even cry until they've found an adult to cry to. I'm 14 years my sisters senior so I helped raise her. You know what I did when she fell and scraped her knee? I laughed with her, I made it something that was funny to her, so when she fell around me she laughed about it. Now my mother used to coddle her when this happened so when she fell around my mother she'd cry. This the very definition of enabling. You see she got rewarded with comfort when she'd cry to my mother, she'd get love and affection when she fell so she was rewarded for that behaviour. But with me her reward was making us both laugh and joke about it. So she never really cried when she fell around me.
Now I'm not calling your girlfriend a baby, but when she cries irrationally over something small then there are similarities. The same as with my ex. What I learned is the same as my sister I brushed it off. You see when she cried she got a reaction from me, she never cried alone (my ex) seriously she didn't. She'd always call me to let me know she was crying or wait until i got home before crying. But as soon as she realized there was no reward to her behaviour she kind of stopped. This woman would literally cry about dropping a glass and be too devastated to pick it up,would leave it there for me to see so she could cry and get love and affection.
So when she broke a glass or other thing I knew she'd cry over I nonchalantly told her the solution and it wasn't something to worry about and then went off and did something else. I never told her I did this I just found something else to do instead of consoling her for little things. She did this less and less, even started calling her best friend instead of me to cry to which was fine.
She tried pulling the "don't you care about me" card on me once and I told her plainly of course I do, it's the broken glass I don't care about. Stop making her crying into a big deal and maybe she won't either. She sounds like she is highly strung though, so it might not go away but you really can deal with it better. If she gets rewarded for this behaviour then she'll keep doing it. But by no means make an issue of it in the opposite way either. If you love and want to be with her and she's unable or unwilling to deal with small things better then you can learn to deal with her better.
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A
female
reader, xanthic +, writes (4 December 2010):
 I agree with CindyCares, the first step is to stop enabling her! She throws tantrums because she has very poor impulse control, and by feeding into that with compassion and sympathy, you're reinforcing the behaviour. After all, the reason she even acts this way is because it always gets a response.
Don't coddle her. Don't worry about saying or doing the right thing. Minor frustration is nothing to cry or be angry about, she needs to learn self-control by being forced to handle her own minor problems, in the same way young children do. By taking her issues on as your responsibility, it's inevitably going to keep eating away at you.
Whatever you do, don't sympathise or comfort her over something minor. She has to learn to deal with it on her own.
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A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (4 December 2010):
 Maybe stopping enabling her.
She has a low level of tolerance for frustration ( like a child ) , a poor control over emotions ( like a child ) and she expects that a wiser ,calmer , more competent adult ( a parental figure ) solves her problems for her and kisses her booboos ( like a child again ).
Stop being Dad !
Be her boyfriend. Do not reinforce negative behaviours by paying them a lot of attention !
I don't mean you have to act sarcastic, confrontational or abusive. Don't even tell her to "get over it ".
Simply , ignore her tantrums. Calmly step out of the room telling her : I see you are upset, I leave you some "alone" time so you can pull yourself together again.
Or tell her : I am sorry that you are upset, call me as soon as you feel better so we can talk about ( totally different subject , like what are you gonna have for dinner, or where are you going for the weekend ).
Expect at first a massive excalation of tantrums and desperation- keep your cool. Eventually she 'll get the point : if that's a mental health problem , she needs to see a therapist , if it's just a habit, she needs to stop it.
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