A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:dear cupid, i've been in love my bestfriend for about 6 months and he has no idea but hes gay so that gives it no chance but these past couple weeks hes been talking about how he wants to have sex with a female and saying all these things he would do to a female and its starting to freak me out because im so used to talking about males with him. this sounds really bad but ive been wanting to have sex with him this whole time but i definitely dont act apon it because i really want him to stay in my life and i wouldnt want to risk the chances of making it ackward and loosing him. these past two weeks hes been saying he wants to get drunk and have a good time with me. but we usually never have to do drink to have a good time from my understandings these past 6 months. we have gotten drunk once and it lead to a all night makeout session. im scared to get drunk with him because he told me to make sure i sleep in his bed and cuddle with him. even tho we've cuddled countless times it has never lead to anything sexual and im confused if hes trying to hint something at me. how can i tell if he is hinting sex? and how to i say no to the alcohol without him being super confused? helllp :/
View related questions:
drunk Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
male
reader, Aus_fred  +, writes (15 December 2010):
you obviously have feelings for this guy, so why not see where it goes, but tell him if he wants to sleep with you he has to be sober.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (15 December 2010): Bed cuddling is all well and good for platonic with no romantic feelings but you've already made out with him. Look sex would be a step too far, even kissing again might be, so would cuddling actually.
Those are acts of romance not friendship.
You say you love him but he's gay, so you're in big trouble to be honest. You need to take a step back and get rid of that romantic element of your friendship, I've had that with friends, female friends we were cuddle buddies and it was fine for both of us, we'd get drunk end up in bed together and just cuddle neither of us had feelings beyond friendship for each other so it was just nice.
But I've also had that kind of thing with female friends that I had feelings for, female friends I couldn't have that way and it was a slow painful execution of our friendship. You see while they had a nice friend to cuddle I had a girl I was in love feed my romantic desire. I wanted them so to me the cuddling meant more, it was my chance to be closer to them and each time it helped my feelings grow which is not a good thing.
Now girls that never brought up sex or kissed or anything even though we cuddled it was tough as hell but once I took a step back and stopped the cuddling part it became easier for me to deal with my feelings and after a bit of distancing I was often able to remain friends. Even if we kissed the only thing that saved our friendship was when they got a boyfriend I was crushed a bit so I maintained some distance and when the boyfriend went or I got used to the idea then I was able to be their friend again without feelings because we couldn't cuddle like that anymore as they had a boyfriend.
The last type of those friends is the ones I did end up sleeping with and that was the death knell of our friendship, sex is always a step too far for friends, always. You see good platonic friends are like family, no matter what you think no matter what your brain may tell you sleeping with your friend is like sleeping with your brother, it is that serious a change in the dynamic of a friendship, it has the same disastrous consequences.
Friends don't have sex, it always leads to romantic feelings and it's always for the wrong reasons too. Experimenting, fooling around, a drunken fumble which seemed like a good idea at the time. You already have romantic feelings for him, so it would mean you would get a taste of what you can never have in any long term way, you'd also start to resent the fact that he had sex with you and it meant nothing more than a bit of fun with a friend, really that feeling does come trust me, if not straight away then it will appear later. If you started having sex regularly or kissing regularly, then that's it. Look you know how tough it is even to cuddle him and then go home the next day having had a great night and feeling happy because you got your dose of him but when that wears off you feel a bit shitty.
Now I think you know all the above and the reason I'm saying it all is so you can have stuff to use as an example when you tell him. You have to tell him how you feel before this gets out of hand. It's not enough just to tell him you don't want sex, I think you want a way to tell him sober because you don't trust yourself or are not confident that you'd say no should he try while drunk. So you have to completely open up to him and tell him how you feel, this way he'll know and definitely won't try anything. He might even give you a little bit of space to sort those feelings out. There's nothing wrong with being close and you don't have to lose him as a friend but at the moment you're living a bit of a lie, how do you think he'd feel that while pretended it was all a bit of fun, in the back of your mind it meant a bit more to you. How do you think he'd feel that all this fooling around is kind of hurting you because you have feelings for him and while he never thought anything of it, it's not the ideal situation for you.
...............................
A
male
reader, Illithid +, writes (15 December 2010):
 It's possible he's not as gay as you think. He could be bisexual, mostly gay but still interested in women to the extent that he'd like to see how he feels about them a little more. You two are already so open about men and sexuality, so comfortable around each other and cuddling, and even obviously interested in one another to some extent, that maybe he wants to see if it could work with you. I'm seeing this as half wanting to explore the side of his sexuality that likes women with someone he can trust, and half wanting to be closer to you to see if his romantic feelings toward you could lead anywhere.
If you DO decide to experiment with him, just make sure it's SOBER. If he has to be drunk to sleep with you, this will NOT end well. If you are in love with him, it's rather dangerous to sleep with this man who likely won't become your boyfriend, but if you decide to try things, go into this with your eyes open. It would just be experimentation, a friend helping out another friend, and not the magical culmination of your desires that you might think it would be.
...............................
|
