A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:hi, i have been married for last 10 yrs and have a child aged 8yrs. we ha a love marriage. last year in jan2010 we faced some family problems due to which we had to seperate from our in-laws. my husband was quite attached to them and went into depression. during this phase he started avoiding me and my daughter. later he confessed of having an affair with another girl saying it was just emotional bonding. but he is also confessed on sleeping with her many times. now after 10 months we are back with my in-laws who are very nice people. i was so devastated that i have told everything to my in-laws. they are with me and are very angry with their only son. now the problem is i donot want to create a rift betn parents and their son. secondly i can't stand this infedility at the same time i cannot leave him because my daughter is too attached to him and i donot want her to face any psychological problems. another point is that my hubby is promising never to talk or meet that girl again but he is not sorry for what he has done. i am so confused and distressed . how can i trust him ? please help. i have decided to give 1yr try to our relation but i donot know how much it will help
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (8 January 2011): Hi!!! it's me d OP. i totally agree with every word datu say from every depth of my heart.it seems u r telling my story to me. but there is one major difference betn u and me. ur kids r all grown up while my kid is still very small and too much attached to the father. even if we have an argument she becomes sad and withdraws herself into a shell and then i really can't bear to see it. i mean she is just 10 and going into depression. ??? about my husband we r going to a Counselor and a psychiatrist but i really don't know how much it is going to help. i really feel bad 4 myself that t left my job 4 this man who doesn't want to even appreciate my gestures. i mean d whole world is taking me 4 granted.but anyway as written earlier i am going to give 1-yr to him. if it works well and good. if it doesn't then goodbye and goto hell.anyway thanx a billion it gave me a lot of marale support.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (3 January 2011): Hi OP. You are definately NOT alone. The same thing happened to me the beginning if last year, and I've been married for 15 years. The difference between us is my husband has not admitted to having a sextual affair. But honestly, when I found out he had been spending time with this couple which I believe are swingers behind my back too, I don't believe him. I truly understand your stress, pain, and anger. Emotional infedility is bad enough without it becoming a physical one. I'm so sorry it happened to you. Truth is, time will heal some of the pain, but trust will be on going issue. He must find ways to show you his fedility. Though you may not want to accept this, turns out men who seek women outside of their marriages, are unhappy with their wives. Although I believe this to be true, we are not the only ones to blame. In my case, if I wasn't being the kind of wife to my husband Ike he wanted me to be, it's because I've been depressed of his lack of intamacy as a husband for many years. It's a vicious cycle. He's never known how to really open up to me and made me feel as close to him as married couples should. I made the mistake several years ago, thinking my love and support would help him let his gaurd down with me. I deserve that much. Thing is, when men don't share that part of their life to their wives, it makes us not trust them completely. People will say, well... Men aren't made up that way. True. BUT, when they refuse to even try with their wives, it hurts the relationship. Like you, I told his parents too. Not out of spite, revenge, or even to vent. It was necessary because the "other woman", was a close person friend of theirs. before I busted her and my husband, she always seemed to show up and stay the night at their house too whenever we would go to visit them. Since I knew her, I gave her a piece of my mind. It wasn't pretty, but totally worth it to me. My husband's lack of true intimacy isn't his only flaw. Not even close. I've come to stop making excuses for him and realize he's just an immature, lying, selfish, mean, jerk that lacks respect for me. Everything is "my fault", acts like he's 20 and single, and can't control his temper tantrums, (even before we got married). Yes... If I had to do it over again, I would NOT marry this guy. His type should never marry. But, I'm in it for the long haul. Too much invested, too much to lose, and too old to start over again. What keeps me going? My new mission in life: To do unto him as he has done unto me. LOL But then, that's me. Our children are all grown up and out of the house.Your going to have to re-evaluate your man for YOU. It doest do any good for your child to grow up seeing you unhappy, miserable, and depressed. My man wasn't willing to, no surprise, but if your man is willing to seek marriage counseling, you have a great chance. If not, go to your nearest Hastings book store and purchase this book: EMOTIONAL INFIDELITY - How To Affair Proof Your Marriage and Ten Other Secrets to a Great Relationship by M. Gary Neuman. He's a qualified marriage counselor with years of experience on the subject. He was even featured on: The Oprah Show, Today, and on The View. Soft cover was like $14.So hang in there; there's hope for you yet. Good luck!
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (19 December 2010): why the sudden turn of events? I thought you had said your in laws were "with" you and angry at your husband for what he did?Maybe you should not give it one year, you should move straight into a separation.It's inexcusable that your husband cheated on you, you want to leave him, supposedly he is now depressed and his mother is guilting you saying stuff like it was ''your fault'' he cheated (no, it is HIS fault he cheated, since he is the one who cheated, remember!!)..and that stuff about how marriage is not all about picnics...hello? marriage is not about betrayal and backstabbing either!!Finally, so what if he is in a depression? He cheated on you multiple times so he brought this on himself. He needs to be a man and deal with it, not for you to nurse him out of the depression he caused by cheating on you! Stay strong and do NOT give into their emotional blackmail. If necessary, move away from them; See if you can move in with your own family or friends for a while..
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (18 December 2010): hi, this is me the OP. as i had told earlier that my in laws are with me etc.. now that thaey know that i am giving one year to my relation they are taking me for granted. they are bloody so manipulative. now my MIL says that her son is in depression so i need to leave my job and be by his side 24X7.my daughter is at my mom's place right now. so well i should not go to meet her also because her son is feeling alone. and what about me wasn't i and my child alone when he was not around for us. and that woman is like explaining to me that marraige is about supporting each other in ups and downs and not just going out for picnics and outings. what does she mean to say by that. i mean 10 yrs of marraige and before that 8 yrs of dating and in this 18 yrs there have never been any lows in his life --- what rubbish. and now she is blaming me for his cheating that i was working and her son was alone and depressed. i have a 9-3 job - he wakes up at12 noon so can't he stay 3 hrs without me. and u know friends, she started all this stuff after she came to know i had resigned and is ready to give 1 full year to my relation. how disgusting. please help. i am adamant on giving this 1 yr but i do not know a way to deal with my MIL.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (16 December 2010): I wish u well OP. I hope u can mend your marriage but plse do not be his doormat. Can u see yourself forgiving him. Or are u stck with the cultural baggage?
Send us an update with any progress.
LoveGirl
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (16 December 2010): hi, thanx a ton for ur replies. i really value ur opinions and it gives me a lot of moral support.it gives me the feeling that i am not alone.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (16 December 2010): dear love girl, thanks for your reply. helped a lot and gave me a lot of moral support.thanx a ton.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (16 December 2010): Your husband cheated on your marriage and you are worried that you are creating a rift in the family???
Please, no.
You did the right thing, he betrayed your marriage so how can it be wrong to make that known??
Your daughter may be very attached to him, but realize that you are teaching her about marriage and commitment. if you don't do anything, she will grow up and think that it is normal for husbands to cheat and wives to accept it quietly. She may tolerate it if and when her significant other cheats on her. How's that for "psychological problems"?
Be a good role model for her. She can still see her father even if you divorce him. I'm sure also that if you are close to your inlaws, she will have many other good male role models in her life when she is growing up.
good luck
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (15 December 2010): You did the right thing by telling your hbs parents. He has disrespected them as well and he has shamed them too. You did nothing wrong by telling his parents that he cheated . Please understand this. You are the daughter in law of the house and it was your duty to tell them what your hb did.
Please do not listen to the other Anon reader who says that your hb cannot trust you. That reader does not understand your culture and that reader had no clue what you are facing. Your hb is the one who cannot be trusted. You need to monitor him and see whether he keeps in contact with his lover. You need to be strong during this time and you still need to be the good daughter in law that you are.
Please also know that your hb has been very dishonest with you. Your father in law is the head of the household and you need to keep him in the loop as to what his son is up to.
Do not be afraid to speak your mind against the cheating. By hushing up about your hbs affair you are only hurting yourself and your daughter.
Do not be a fool and keep secrets from your in laws. You need them and you need a roof over your head. I have known many Indian households where the parents in law have decided to keep their decent DIL and take care of her instead of their cheating son. So honor your in laws and deal with your hb accordingly.
I repeat you have done the right thing by telling your in laws. Too many women in your part of the world are just expected to shut up and live with a cheating hb. Thank goodness you have chosen not to be silent and silenced.
LoveGirl
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (15 December 2010): in a good marriage, both parties behave honorably, first and foremost they are loyal to each other, are best friends, lovers, confidants and trust each other explicitly. They share their lives, bodies and all with each other. If there is something to discuss or resolve they discuss it with each other first
I am not condoning infidelty, it's horrible. But telling his parents? How alone and unloved must your husband feel now?
His parents as siding with you
You felt angry with your husband. And you needed to talk it over and share your pain with someone. So you drove a wedge between your husband and his parents. By telling his parents. So you can cross off revenge off your list.
You do not trust him. But how can your husband trust that you are on his side?
You want this marriage to last?
Then stop thinking trust is just about your husband proving he can be trusted
You now have to prove that you can be trusted to not undermine your husband in the future.
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