A
male
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:About a year and a half ago I ended a relationship with an ex amicably after we both went separate directions in our lives. It was a relationship where we both knew it had a limited life, as she went abroad for a long period and I moved to continue my education. We sort of tried staying together, but she met her current boyfriend there and I moved on as well, beginning to date my current girlfriend.About 6 months into my new relationship I met my ex to return some of her things that I still had, as we had both been far from home up until that point. We talked for a bit about each others’ new lives and wished each other well. All in all it was just nice to get some closure on a relationship that ended strangely. I hadn’t had any contact with her except to set up the meeting and absolutely none since.As I stated, I started dating my current girlfriend and we have been together for more than a year now. Things are great and we’ve moved in together and are thinking long-term. The only problem with our relationship is that she seems to absolutely despise the entire concept of exes. I had told her some details of my past (oops) before I knew how she felt, and she now constantly thinks about/compares herself to what little she knows of a previous ex of mine (it was a bad relationship). She eventually said she never wanted to know any details of my past and I tried to never bring anything up. However, I’m not the “throw all the stuff out” type and inadvertently left my most recent ex as a Facebook friend (I virtually never touch my Facebook account).A couple of nights ago my current girlfriend was looking at my profile and saw that I was friends with my ex. She went ballistic. She had asked me earlier on in our relationship whether or not I kept in contact with my exes, and I said no. With the exception of arranging the one meeting to return my ex’s stuff I hadn’t called or interacted with her at all and I haven’t since. I have no interest in keeping that relationship open on any level. When she had asked that question, I hadn’t even thought of the meeting to return my ex’s stuff. It wasn’t a meeting to maintain a relationship of any kind.So, after she went through my Facebook account she asked “when did you contact her last?” I then thought about it and told her about the meeting to return her stuff. This sparked the biggest fight of our relationship so far. She accused me of lying to her about my contact with my exes. While I understand her feelings and regret not just telling her about it initially, I tried to explain to her that I hadn’t even thought of the random meeting with my ex, and with the exception of that had never contacted any ex again. I am totally committed to this relationship and just want to move on. I’ve tried to explain my side of the story but it never gets anywhere. I have gone through and purged all things ex-related for her peace of mind, but she says she can never trust me the same way again. How am I supposed to handle this? Also, how am I supposed to deal with the fact that my current girlfriend is constantly thinking about my exes? I’m done thinking about them, why can’t she be done too?! Help!
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female
reader, kellyxxx  +, writes (11 March 2009):
 Me and my boyfriend have been through the same sort of thing! The best thing that you can do is to get rid of facebook- I know it seems extreme but it causes so many agruments! And she will be checking ur profile often now! I would get rid of any networking sites and apologise over and over again! You need to grovel with her basically! Reassure her and don't ever mention any ex's again. Your past is your past, your girlfriend is the present and the future so put her above evrything! X
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (11 March 2009): Sorry your girlfriend has jealousy and insecurity issues. The problem is that now she has blown all things out of proportion and will start accusing you of all types of things. Women like this usually get worse, what happens if you meet an old girlfriend in the street, will that be seen as contact too.Your over the age of 21, your an adult, and you are allowed to have friends. You have gone out of your way to reassure her that you want to be with her and your past is something that you have forgotten. Unfortunately nothing you can say will ease her mind. She needs to learn to trust you, or your relationship will start to suffocate you. You have done nothing wrong, please explain that to her, and ask her if she wants to be in a loving relationship or continue to fight until you are forced to leave.Try to get her to spend her time improving your relationship now, rather than fighting and arguing about things that are dead and gone. If she can't get over this, then your relationship is probably finished.
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A
female
reader, k_c100 +, writes (11 March 2009):
 Some girls are just very insecure about their boyfriends ex's (I have a couple of friends like this!). There is not a lot you can do unfortunately. I think it is something to do with the thought that someone else has been with you, that has done all the things that you and your girlfriend do together. Even little things like meeting the family - your girlfriend will worry that your family liked the ex more than her. It is an irrational fear, sort of a fear of the unknown (seen as she does not know the ex personally, she sees her as a threat).
it is as simple as some girls are like this, some are not. Now my two friends that were for about a year slightly crazy when it came to their boyfriends ex's, have actually got past this and now seem fine. But they have been with their boyfriends for 3 and 5 years respectively. So maybe it is a time thing? I know that with my ex boyfriend, I was sort of fascinated about his ex, I admit I went on her facebook profile a lot and found out as much info about her as possible. I dont really know why, I guess I just felt that I needed to know all this. It never made me angry though and it never caused arguments.
Yes you should have told her at the time that you met up with the ex(bad mistake!) but it is not the end of the world, your girlfriend is really over-reacting here. I'm afraid to say this but if she cannot trust you, then you dont have the basis for a good long-term relationship. either she trusts you and you can move on, or you have nothing.
There really isnt anything you can do - you need to find out if your girlfriend wants to try and work at the relationship or if she quite simply just doesnt trust you. If it is the latter, then you cant stay together otherwise it will just get worse. Trust is the foundation of a relationship and without it, the whole relationship will just crumble around you.
I hope this helps and good luck!
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