A
male
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:Hi guys,This website is really great and I hope i can get some decent advice from you :)So first off I am going to admit I am a douche regarding what I did, and I feel terrible.My current gf who I have been seeing for five months now is absolutely amazing, although I never let this on lol.I don't want to fall for her hard but I find myself thinking about her a lot. And coming from a guy like me who considers himself "alpha" when It comes to relationships, I must really like her.We have had a few problems, nothing bad but just regarding her past, as I know her ex. She lied that she split up with him 3 months before we started dating, when in fact she she slept with him the day before we met....Which is fine, I have no qualms about that. Just the fact she lied. Although she says if she told me the truth I would not have started seeing her. I forgave her but said I was upset about her lying. I don't care what she did with him though, it's the past and to be fair until we were official she could do what she likes!Since then which was about a month ago, things have been great.I am under a lot of stress at the moment starting my new job and I'm scared shitless I'm gonna struggle to perform, but she Is very supportive, which is great.This week she went on holiday and she has been gone 6 days. Now I have a high sex drive which sometimes makes me think irrationally. I sexted a girl last night when I was feeling really horny. She sent me a pic and I said some naughty things altough I told her I would never act on them. She said it was all a bit of harmless fun. Which it was. I would never do anything now to ruin what I have.I feel terrible and have vowed to never do it again. I feel like I have cheated. Do I tell her what I did, or do I not tell her ?Thanks for reading guys, if you managed to read it all!
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her ex, her past, horny, on holiday, sex drive, split up Reply to this Question
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
reader, anonymous, writes (5 October 2012): What you did behind your gf's back was wrong - plain and simple. Whatever happened in the past between you and her should be left as that. Just because you feel that she lied to you before getting to know you does not make it a reason for you to do what you did. Sexting a girl while being in a relationship is unacceptable and in my view, would be considered cheating and disrespectful towards the girl you're with.
My advice would be to own up to her about what you did, which might have been unintentional but I feel like she deserves to know. How would you feel if she did the same to another guy behind your back? Think about it. She might appreciate your honesty for all you know. Good luck.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (30 September 2012): You really need to tell your girl friend yourself, you did cheat and most of the time it does come out. First you need to cut off all contact with your female friend, you both crossed boundaries that is no longer a normal friendship. If your female friend could do that, she doesn't respect your relationship that you are in and may try to continue to cross boundaries.
My boyfriend of three years went away to the Air Force and sexted a girl there when he came back it went on for another month, because it was harmless fantasy. When he moved in I found out, he didn't tell me which resulted in huge trust issues. We are still rebuilding through counseling and six months later. You need to tell her and you need to cut all ties with that friend if your girl friend means more.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (30 September 2012): I just know her as a friend. I do not have any sexualinterest in her though, which is why my decision was so stupid.
It has made me realise how much i do like her, and also how awesome she is! I don.t want to be a bad boyfriend even though what i have done was terrible and i admit it. I do mean it when i say i will honestly never do anything like this again. I just cant stop feeling this sick feeling in my stomach.
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A
female
reader, Emmiie +, writes (30 September 2012):
Hey.. Right, so, first of all, I don't believe you could really like this girl if you are so easily swayed by another girl. It does sound as if the relationship itself is a little rocky.
However, if she makes you happy, there is a high possibility it could develop into a firm relationship.
My opinion on this matter, is that you should tell her. Better living without her, than living with a guilty conscience, right?
I'm quite.. traditional when it comes to others romantic issues, so I would just say, cross your fingers and hope for the best. If it's meant to be, it'll work out.
If you do decide to take any small amount of this advice, I hope it goes well. Please reply if anything happens! :)
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A
female
reader, Honeypie  +, writes (30 September 2012):
 If it only was a bit of harmless fun, you wouldn't feel like a douche - would you?
Even if you didn't go INTO it thinking it's cheating IT IS a kind of cheating. Which is properly why you feel bad about it.
I think you need to talk to your GF about this. Being horny is a piss poor excuse for sexting some girl. Now the girl you sexted, is she well known to you? Is she an ex or a "friend"?
You need to own your actions and live with the consequences.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (30 September 2012): Candid cally you are right. I would not dream of sexting again, it was selfish on my behalf.
However she did admit she was lying and she was still in a relationship with her last guy up until we started dating, not 3 months like she said. I don't know whether i should have been angry about that?
Thanks for the reply and the advice. I really will take the advice on board as i do want to be a good boyfriend and not a coward!
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A
female
reader, Candid Cally +, writes (30 September 2012):
First, you can break up with someone and sleep with them 3 months later. You don't have to be in a relationship with a person to have sex with them, or sext them for that matter. I think your girlfriend told you the truth, but you are too much of an 'alpha' in relationships to believe her.
Finally, sexting is 'not a bit of harmless fun.' If your girlfriend found put, she too would feel like you cheated. You coukd have looked at porn or used your imagination, or even sexted your girlfriend...but YOU chose to sext someone instead.
If you want this relationship to have a chance, you will not sext anyone else and you will not tell her.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (30 September 2012): hmmm, my bf did the exact same thing to me 5 months into our relationship&i found out from the girl he sexted. It devastated me, made me feel unattractive and made me feel unable to trust him. He said he'd done it cos he was bored&horny and i was away. I was hurt-why not sext me?? My sex drive was as high as his! And finding out from someone else hurt. We talked it thru, he admitted he'd hate it if i'd done that to him. I said i wanted a break. We stayed in touch, got back together 4 months later and it's taking me a lot of time to rebuild trust in him. My advice is to treat your gf as you'd like her to treat you, stop sexting others (sext your gf! Or just use porn!) if you want to be in a relationship...and talk to your gf about what you both want the boundaries to be-she might be ok with sexting others, but has a right to choose, so be honest, scary as it might be.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (30 September 2012): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks for the quick reply :)
She doesn't know the girl, and she said she wouldn't tell anyone, she's a friend I've known for a couple of years.
I am extremely scared of being rejected from her as I felt miserable for a long time after my previous ex of 4 years.
I feel as though I am not good enough for her now after, as if I have cheated on her. I know she is really into me as well.
I will take your advice as I don't want to lose her, I'm just gonna have to get over what I did and be a proper man and boyfriend!
Thanks!!
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A
male
reader, no nonsense Aidan +, writes (30 September 2012):
I did read it all. Believe me some people post questions that are much longer than yours and we read them in full. To answer your question, does your girlfriend know the girl you sexted or is it likely that she would find out? If so, it’s better she hears it from you so in that case own up to your error of judgement, tell her you’re sorry and then follow the rest of my advice below. If, however, you can delete the texts and there’s no way she’d find out, it would achieve nothing to tell her. It doesn’t make it okay for you to have done this, but telling her would hurt her unnecessarily. Use this episode as an opportunity to learn: reflect on how you are now feeling. You are clearly guilty and full of regret, that shows how much your girlfriend means to you and how much you care about her. Why not turn this in to a positive, and resolve to do something about these feelings when she gets back. You write at the beginning of your post that you don’t let on how amazing she is and how much you’re falling for her. Why? It’s likely that you’re scared of being rejected or getting hurt, perhaps because of things that have happened in the past. But the reality is that the past is the past, done and dusted, and the future’s unknown, and that means that you have to take a risk. If she also has such deep feelings for you it will mean the world to her if you do open up and start telling her how you feel about her and what she means to you; write it down if you’re not great at expressing your emotions and let her read it. If she doesn’t feel the same, it’s better to know sooner rather than later, but after 5 months it’s likely that she does have feelings for you too. I suspect that the reason you sexted another girl is because you’re finding ways to put up your defences and put up barriers. You’ve not found a way to communicate with your girlfriend yet about how you feel, including your high sex drive. It’s time you took a chance on this girl and opened up.
I wish you all the very best.
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