A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Dear CupidI am in on and off FWB with my best friend. I fell in love with him but he says he likes me but no love word.Long story short, he bacame very abusive (physically and emotionally) lately. I couldnt even hold a decent conversation with him. Its been days since he even talked to me nicely. He is getting irritated and annoyed with whatever i do.Yesterday he told me that im always calling him to sleep with me and he is really fed up with me and im a whore. I am so hurt, i cant even describe how i am feeling right now. I feel so dirty and disgusting. i loved him, How could he throw these kind of words at me. Did i do anything wrong, for him to treat me so badly. Please help me
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female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (15 May 2013):
 Female anon of may 15th, pardon me, but you just have discovered hot water. Of course if the guy had been a real man who is not abusive in nature he would have been cordial, civil, etc. !
The point is exactly that he was NOT- and the OP chose HIM to be his FWB, and stuck with him also after having had ample evidence of his abusive nature. She was yearning for love and acceptance, yet she was being proactive and calling for sex a guy who said very clearly he did not love her.
She needed something and did the opposite of what she 'd have had to do to get it.
So, let's not talk about "fault" that's always an unpleasant word, let's call it responsibility. We have the responsibility to care about our physical and emotional wellbeing , and to make choices that enhance it , rather than destroying it. 99% of times, when we find ourselves in a situation in which we are prevaricated and treated poorly, it's because we have omitted to do that : taking responsibility for our safety, happiness and peace of mind.
The OP did just that, so, yes , it's sad that she was so unlucky, I am sure that she is just a nice, loving, well meaning person that did not actually DO anything to encourage abuse. She also did nothing, though, to prevent it, reject it and distance herself from it- she WAITED until her abuser got even sick and tired of abusing her.
Isn't there something wrong in this scenario ?...
Therefore, I think that what could help her , it is not just stating the obvious , i.e. " you met a mean bastard " ( duh ). She'd better perhaps also to reflect on why she thinks she needs so badly tolerating mean bastards in her life...
A
female
reader, YouWish +, writes (15 May 2013):
 By definition, FWB is not a relationship. It is not the "first step" towards a relationship. It's designed for no-strings, no demands, no feelings, no pressure, pure physical sex. You use each other until you get bored with one another.
You developed feelings, which no matter what any romantic comedy says, but it's the kiss of death for an FWB scenario. You fell in love, he didn't feel that way, and you pressured, and he became nasty beyond any realm of decency. He isn't your best friend. He doesn't respect you.
Time to leave him and cut off contact. You will never have a relationship with him. Best to not undignify yourself any longer and walk away from him. Don't let him touch you anymore.
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A
male
reader, CMMP +, writes (15 May 2013):
It sounds like he's mentally ill. Leave him and block him, this "relationship" has run its course and will only get worse from here.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (15 May 2013): HI, am sorry for what you got your self into, a person has no control of their heart, he just was not the nice guy you thought he was,an now you will talk to your self every day, wondering what he would say back to you, hun do not ever talk to him again, no tex, if you run into him, act like he's not even their, the reason I say this is it 's been almost a year for me now, she wanted to be fwb, so f with your feelings, she just wanted to use me, but you don't touch a fwb, like you do when you love some body, the pain is very physical, but he will not even think about you, just smile for one day some one will do it to him, an he will deserve it, smile.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (15 May 2013): None of this is your fault like others have suggested. Even if you were just a FWB to him and he never intended to take you seriously, a real man who is not abusive in nature wouldve been cordial, respectful, non abusive and civil, even if it were to blow you off. Men with class dont suddenly stop being graceful and diplomatic when they lose interest in a girl. Or when they are just having sex with a girl. A different type of guy wouldve handled the same situation very differently. This guy is just one big asshole. It is not your fault at all that he has been so abusive and mean. His mom probably didnt raise him right. So stop blaming yourself, it is not your fault. You didnt raise him. You didnt know he could be so mean. Probably cause you are a nice person so assumed he was too. Well he is not. He is an angry, bitter abusive man. Stop crying, stop blaming yourself and stay away from this loser. Dont ever contact him or talk to him again. And learn from the experience so you can spot the red flags of abusive men so you dont make the mistake twice. You did not deserve the abuse, dont listen to chauvinistic, narrow minded people who imply that it is your fault. You did nothing wrong. No matter what the situation, being abusive to another person is never acceptable. This guy is a low life, plain and simple.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (14 May 2013): Yes, you have done everything wrong. You tried to manipulate a man into a relationship by using sex. You let him use you until he found someone else. Now you've allowed him to disrespect you and insult you. Which only means he was never a friend, and he got all the benefits. You are feeling abandoned and desperate, like he's worth something.That being said.Now you kick him to the curb, and you never have anything to do with him again. He'll come crawling back when the sex well dries up.So you'll have to arm yourself emotionally not to fall into that rut again. He wanted to end it; thus all the theatrics and the major performance. The name calling and abuse is to make sure you leave him alone; so he can enjoy someone he really cares about. He doesn't want you to ruin it for him.No matter how angry or confused you feel right now, end all contact immediately and start healing.Don't look desperate. Don't text, call, check his Facebook page, call his family, friends, or e-mail him. He doesn't exist. He was a bad nightmare, and you will do everything you can to move on, find love, and be happy.Call your mother. Hangout with your friends. Let yourself grieve, experience loss, ride every raw emotion, and quit your addiction to that dick cold-turkey. It will be a heart-broken gut-wrenching experience. I know. I'm still going through it. I use my free time helping others, working, going to the gym, and reading everything I can get my hands on. I'm having a lot of fun catching up with friends and flirting with cuties.I feel for you. I truly do. You don't need pity. You need to rebuild your strength and take control of yourself.Resist every foolish temptation that comes to your mind. You will be emotional and it will make you say and do stupid things like text him odd hours of the night, or drunk dial.It's crazy and he will tell the new girl you're a stalker.I've answered posts from women who lost it, and they all regret this behavior. So you can consciously avoid acting like an idiot. Good thing he wasn't your boyfriend.Start licking your wounds and begin the healing process. Lessons learned:Don't have sex with friends. Save sex for romantic relationships that have the potential to evolve to other levels. Make no man the center of your universe. Adopt the attitude that all people need love, but you don't need a man. Desperation is for clingy stupid chicks who hate themselves. It's time to get to work and fix the broken things that made you settle for a piece of sh_t; rather than make yourself available for something more meaningful and fulfilling. Feel sorry for the poor fool that falls in love with him, and doesn't know what you know. .
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A
female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (14 May 2013):
 Sorry, I remembered that he's your 'best friend,' and so you have to find a new one. Perhaps you could reconnect with some girlfriends and do some bonding with them; girlfriends are great at boosting you when you feel low, just ask them for support!
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A
female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (14 May 2013):
I think CindyCares' answer is brilliant. You've just had an 'aha!' moment, if you are awake enough to pay attention.
I would leave the relationship in the "OFF" position and do not enter into FWB with guys you feel more than F for. You want a real boyfriend and a real relationship with one, don't settle for less.
He's a loser. Lose him!!!
Good luck.
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A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (14 May 2013):
 The only thing you did wrong was think that by sleeping with him he would care more about you than he does.
If he is physically and emotionally abusive why do you think that is acceptable behavior to heap on someone you care about? It’s NOT. His behavior is unacceptable by almost all standards most people hold.
I’m so sorry you are hurt but the best thing you can do is IGNORE HIM totally and live very well because living and loving well is the best revenge.
Use this pain to grow and mature and realize that FWB is never the way to go if you care about the person. AND it will never make someone fall in love with you.
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A
male
reader, CaringGuy  +, writes (14 May 2013):
Of course you didn't do anything wrong. Obviously something has unhinged him, or he has some problem, and rather than deal with his own problem, he's chosen to take it out on you. Nothing you did or said can possibly be responsible for causing you to be treated this way.
I would strongly suggest that you have nothing to do with him again, and if you need to, spend some time talking to someone about how you feel so you don't bottle this up. Whatever happens, do not speak to this guy or have anything to do with ever again.
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A
female
reader, CindyCares +, writes (14 May 2013):
He is your best friend, and he is physically abusive and he calls you whore !? Then , I don't want to know your worst enemy !
Ok, you are sad and upset, and you want someone who tells you " You poor little thing, no you did not do anything to deserve this mistreatment , he's just a bad person ". Which is probably the truth, and we can do that if you want. But , that would only reonforce your idea of yourself as a powerless , hapless wictim. You are NOT: You made a foolish choice, you kept repeating it , and you gave away your power and dignity for a while, -now you can get it back and you can even THANK this man for that.
If he had not been such a total pig, and had not crossed any possible boundaries of decency, you'd still be chasing after him, begging for the crumbs of his attention, and making yourself ridicolous-and miserable.
Now he has, hopefully, shocked you into not doing that anymore, - and that is a good thing. From here, you can only go upward.
Maybe you feel his harshness and his insult as a slap on your face - in fact, it was a gentle little spank from a benevolent Universe, that does not want you to get REALLY hurt and says " Remember: enough is enough : no more taking crap ".
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A
female
reader, eyeswideopen +, writes (14 May 2013):
 The THING you did wrong was the whole FWB thing. I personally think the whole concept is a crock. Next time wait for an actual relationship to develop before you let that nickel between your knees drop.
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A
female
reader, Got Issues +, writes (14 May 2013):
 No, you don't deserve for him to say those things to you, but FWB is basically just an arrangement that allows people to use each other. Maybe he's tired of being used, maybe he senses that you have become too emotionally attached to him and feels angry about this, maybe he's met someone else, maybe he just isn't that nice. It could be any number of reasons. You used to be his best friend and now you're just someone he sleeps with but feels nothing for. Is that someone you want in your life?
FWBs rarely work out for both parties. One person (usually the woman) ends up falling in love and wanting more and is then left devastated when the guy meets someone else. I have once been in a similar situation, where I liked a guy so much that I just accepted whatever he gave me (no-strings sex), thinking that somewhere down the line he would fall for me and want a relationship. It went on for almost two years and was the worst period of my life.
I think that you need to cut ties with this person. If you want a relationship, make sure that you do things differently the next time you meet someone you like. Don't accept a FWB arrangement. It will only hurt you in the end, and you will potentially lose a friend. I wish you the best.
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A
female
reader, angel91 +, writes (14 May 2013):
isn't that the point of a FWB? no strings sex? He doesn't seem to grasp that concept. However, I'm afraid it's much the same for you. As a FWB situation is about having the fun without the commitment of a relationship, feelings don't come in to it. Unfortunately, you've let them, which will be very difficult on you. He had no reason to be nasty to you. I'd try talking to him about that.
I suggest you move away from this man and find someone who wants a relationship like you, who wants the same things.
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