A
female
age
30-35,
*othing3v3rChanges
writes:Im 18 years old. I have a boyfriend (20) that i have been with almost 4 years. We have had ALOT of problems, but we almost always get through them. Well, my boyfriend has a brother younger than him by a year. His brother has been dating a girl that he has been with for about a year and a half, or around there. This girl used to be my friend, but has done some shady things in the past that made me not want to chill with her anymore, but I have to see her all the time because shes always at my boyfriends house.Now me and my boyfriend about a year ago decided to try and concieve a baby. After 2 months, we decided that it wasnt such a good idea, but i still want one very much. This girl that my boyfriends brother is dating is pregnant, almost 5 months. she and her boyfriend brag about it all the time and her boyfriend taunts me, and tells me I need to grow up. I have made it clear that I DO NOT LIKE IT AT ALL. I was supposed to give my boyfriends mom her first grandchild, and everyone thinks that it is wrong that I dont talk to her or want to hear about her or her baby at all.My feelings are very strong. The only reason that she got pregnant was because she wanted to stay with her boyfriend, and now she is just the happiest person, and i am miserable. I cant stand it anymore, and If its bad now, i can just imagine what is going to happen when her baby is always at the house.Am I wrong for feeling like this?Its tearing me apart! Me and my boyfriend fight about it all the time, because he thinks I'm being 'immature'.
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female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (12 September 2008):
 Hi, you do sound very upset and angry about the whole situation, and I think that you need to take a deep breath, take one step back and stop to think about this. I'm not trying to be mean here, I'm just trying to suggest some things that you need to take into consideration. You can't help how you feel, of course.
First of all, you sound like you're competing in the baby Olympics and your boyfriend's brother's girlfriend cheated and snuck in and stole the gold medal from you. Having a baby isn't a competition. It's a serious decision that will change your life forever, and put a precious new human being into your care. You owe it to the baby to have the best home and life that you can provide, right?
So if you're not ready for whatever reasons (you didn't specify) then you're not ready.
What this girl and his brother do as far as having a baby really is their own business. You may judge that they have done it for the wrong reasons or that they're not ready, but honestly, what you think about it doesn't really matter to their situation. They are entitled to live their own lives as they see fit, after all.
You are so jealous that you are trying to justify this resentment at their happiness by judging them. Yes, you will not be the first to give your boyfriend's mother a grandchild, but I don't think that's a rational or logical reason for his brother and girlfriend NOT to have this baby.
Having a baby should be a joyous occasion, his mother I hope is happy, his brother is happy, your boyfriend I hope is happy, because he's going to be an uncle. And you are going to be an aunt of sorts. (I'd like to suggest that getting married isn't such a bad idea if you're planning to start a family, but that's not what you asked, so I'll drop it now.)
Do you realize that you're ruining this experience for everybody? You are acting like a petulant child who didn't get to have the first slice of cake. You let them know that you are unhappy about it in no uncertain terms. I hate to tell you, but this new family unit isn't about you, it's not about who gets to do what first, it's not about racing to the delivery room. I expect everyone breathes a sigh of relief when you're not around, if your resentment is burning this hotly. And I hate to tell you this, but the mom-to-be is as entitled to be with his family as you are. You don't have first dibs on them just because you've been going out with your boyfriend longer.
There's nothing that you've said that tells me you are unable to have a child. You're 18, you have about another 18 years to have children!
So, I'm sorry for giving you such a lecture on your behavior, but you do need to look at this with some more maturity, as your boyfriend is trying to tell you.
If you cannot stand being around her or his brother, if you cannot stand to hear or talk about the new baby, then do everyone a favor, and yourself as well, and don't go there. Just leave them to their happiness.
Personally, I think that you're entitled to feel jealous, but I don't think it's sensible to be so obviously angry about the whole situation. There are infertile women out there who would love to have a baby, and they manage to be around other women who are pregnant and have children. They don't spill out their resentment and ruin it for everyone.
I think you need to work on finding a way to be gracious and even happy for them. There's going to be a new baby! That's a minor miracle in itself! You'll have a new baby of your own too one day, just not this year. You're young, you can wait for the right time.
And you know something? When the new baby is here and his or her parents haven't slept in a month, and their sex life is in the toilet, and they don't have a spare minute for themselves, you'll be off doing whatever you enjoy doing, when you like to do it, and your time is your own. That's not so bad, is it?
So try to be nice, smile if you can bear it, and don't visit your misery on his family. It's good practice for life.
Hugs to you, sorry for the mommy-style lecture, but you kind of needed a little wake up call, I think.
Take care.
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