A
female
age
36-40,
*oveisreal317
writes:I have a situation...well maybe not really a situation of my own, but I feel it affects my fiance and I enough that I'm not sure how to respond to it.MY fiance's brother just found out his girlfriend of 2 1/2 months is pregnant. Neither has a decent job, they're both habitual drinkers (which I guess is a nice way of saying I've never seen them sober), and they "mooch" off of their parents. My fiance has always been amazingly sweet and does anything and everything to help his parents. He would try to move heaven and earth for them if he could.Around Christmas 2012 we were given the opportunity to stay in his father's house while his father was fixing up his retirement house in another state. We were supposed to stay there until August 2013-long enough to save money and get some footing with our careers and what not. Well that didn't happen. Two months later we were basically kicked out with no where to go and no help save for my parents who graciously let us stay with them until we found a place to live. My fiance's father also owns a condo we offered to pay rent if we could live there. We aren't much for handouts (unless we've really really REALLY need help) and we try really hard. He turned us down flat. Now, back to my soon to be brother in law and his "baby mama", the problem I have is they are now moving into this condo FREE OF CHARGE all because they were too irresponsible to use protection and she got knocked up.It seems to be the case that their parents want to always always always help the brother out when I've always felt we, or at least my fiance, should be getting all this support because he went on his own and he's making something of himself. I can't count how many times he needed help and they refused. Is it just me or wouldn't seeing your child be a grown man and be responsible make you want to go to the end of the world and back to help them?I'm not saying they shouldn't help the brother, but come on! He'll never learn to do things for himself or take responsibility for his mistakes if his parents keep giving him a safety net to land on. It's hard to see my fiance pretend like it doesn't bother him that his brother gets by in life for free, meanwhile he works his butt off and neither of his parents want to help.I'm not trying to fix the situation, but I don't know exactly how to feel about the whole thing. Any help would be awesome.**Side note-his father gave us a talk last year about how I should be on birth control because there was no room for an unwanted baby (I can't be on birth control due to medical reasons, His father said it didn't matter. I'm sure he knows soooo much NOT being a doctor and all). BUT Clearly he never had that talk with the brother about birth control. That's another thing, they are so excited to be grandparents with his brother's baby on the way, but the thought of us having a child was completely horrible to them. I just don't get it.
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female
reader, agneeman  +, writes (29 July 2013):
 Your fiance's situation mirrors mine with my brothers. This is completely unfair and his dad was being an a- hole. Your feelings about this are very accurate and you are the only one seeing sense, which makes it tricky. Your indignation is valid.
However, there is NOTHING you can do about this These people are not gonna change for you any sooner than my own mom would change for me. Distance and starting your own family ( hopefully far away) is the best option. The minimal contact that will make your husband (to be) happy and then just move forward. Their neglect and apathy have ruined enough for your fiance and you too, don't let it ruin the engagement faze. Enjoy as much romance as you can in this already stressful enough period.
And when you're married enjoy sex in a it's- not- any- hypicritical- father -in -law's- business kind if way.
A
female
reader, loveisreal317 +, writes (28 July 2013):
loveisreal317 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionTo add to this as well, the brother is an older brother and he's never actually tried to take care of himself. His parents have always been there to "fix" everything for him. They are absolutely his biggest enablers. My fiance is and has always been too independent for that thank goodness.
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A
female
reader, loveisreal317 +, writes (28 July 2013):
loveisreal317 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks guys. I try not to let it bother me. It's just heartbreaking to see that my fiance actually realizes his parents played the "favorite" card. It was unbelievable to me when I witnessed it for the first time. I really thought for the longest time my fiance was exaggerating, but obviously not. We don't usually get involved, but it is at a point where my fiance feels like he should either say something (not expecting help, but making sure they know he notices what they do) or just simply giving up on them.
This situation, I believe, is definitely going to be the catalyst for him to make changes in his relationship with his parents.
I do appreciate all the help! :)
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A
female
reader, pinktopaz +, writes (28 July 2013):
I'm guessing his parents expect more out of you two and not so much out of the brother. I'm sure they know you two are the more responsible couple and that you'll be better able to take care of yourselves. I don't know the history, but sounds like maybe the brother hasn't been able to take care of himself very well? And is he also the "little" brother? If so, that tends to make a difference. Otherwise, try not to worry about it. It sucks and you feel like you're being treated unfairly, but what else can you do?
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A
male
reader, Sageoldguy1465 +, writes (27 July 2013):
 It's always a frustrating matter to have to live with sibling-and-parent dynamics that seem to point to one sibling being treated "better" than the other....
Keep in mind that the ONLY part(s) of life that you (and B/F) can control are YOUR OWN lives.... so focus on that, and spend not a whit of your time and mental energy worrying about B/F's brother and his "baby's mama".....
Good luck. You sound like a sensible and level-headed woman... and he sounds like a nice guy... I'm sure you (and he) have a good future coming....
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