A
female
age
36-40,
*lapure4
writes:Dear Cupid, My boyfriend and I are the perfect match. We are contemplating marriage early next year which will take place in my families backyard in Atlanta. It will be a small, intimate wedding because we want to take the remaining funds we've saved up and monetary gifts from our families and settle in an apartment in NYC. We're currently long distance; I'm in Atlanta and he's in NYC and at this rate, we've agreed to settle in New York because he's due to become ordained as a minister of his church which he's been part of for 15 years. I've been to his church several times since we've dated and I admire the people of the church, including his pastor. The only issue I'm having is that I don't want to raise our children in NYC out of all places; it's congested, overcrowded and no place for a child to grow up in. I've grown up in the suburbs and feel is the best place to raise a child. When we discussed this earlier in our relationship, he was open to moving to other places including Atlanta so that our children could be closer to my parents. Despite how difficult it would be for his children to not be closer with his family, he was open to moving elsewhere or Atlanta as an option. Plus, we can buy a home and use the excess funds to travel if we wanted to by settling in a low cost area like Atlanta. Atlanta was ranked as one of the best places to live in the country. But now that he'll be ordained, he told me that the church is his home and he doesn't want to move at all. He said that we can settle in NYC instead. What should I do? Support my future husband and his ministry in NYC by raising our children there or should I hold him at his word about relocating to the suburbs, or perhaps Atlanta as a place to raise our children? There has to be a middle ground here and I want for his parents and mine to grow close with their grandchildren. There has to be a solution to this. Thanks for helping me out!
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female
reader, aunt honesty  +, writes (3 October 2016):
 Nobody can make this decision but you and him. But you really do need to discuss this before getting married. As once you are married you may feel trapped and in a life you are not happy with. You both need to just sit down, tell him how you feel and see if he can meet you half way. If he is dedicated to his parish then my guess is that he will be staying in NYC. The thing then is what will you do?
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (1 October 2016): I would be so much more concerned about the fact that my future husband has just TOLD me how it's going to be and that's that. Is that how he put it? Was there any discussion or were you just TOLD?
Because if you were, I would be taking this into some serious consideration.
Is this how your marriage is going to be?
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A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (1 October 2016):
 Yes, this is a pretty big difference of opinions, and not one you can meet exactly halfway ( settling in Roanoke, Virginia maybe : ? ) - either one has to yield , and to give up a certain way they envisioned their future.
Now, I am unabashedly biased, because my son DID grow op beautifully in NYC - he had a very fun, healthy, SAFE, happy , culturally and intellectually rich childhood, same as zillion of other New York kids and I sure do not regret that I did not keep him to " marinate " somewhere in the 'burbs steeped in isolation and depending from his parents'wheels for going anywhere until he was old enough to sign a mortgage ! Sorry, I told you I am biased- tell me "the 'burbs" and I get the heebiejeebies.
That's personal preferences of course. There's people who are suited to city living and people who are not- and all preferences are legitimate. Just saying, that if you like a certain way of living, that does not mean that your kids could not grow up safe, healthy and happy also living in some other way. There are pros and cons in any environment.
Anyway,in your particular case, don't hit me but I can see as more logical if you yield ( and this,regardless of my love story with New Yprk ): I don't think he operated cinically a bait-and-switch; it may be that, being far from been ordained yet, he had not factored in exactly the nature and obligations of his job. Being a Minister of a Church is not just the same as being , say , a bank teller, or any of those things which , wherever you do them, it's the same.
Your fiancee' now has a role in his community, and a responsibility toward the people in his Church, and bonds of mutual trust and affection which have developped. I think it's only natural, and honourable, that he wants to maintain these bonds, which go beyond the simple performing of a series of tasks , at least until his Church's hierarchy wants hin where he is now.
Yeah, because that's another thing- I don't know much about ministers or pastors of Protestant churches, but, as for the Catholic Church, is a bit like in the military. Your boss ( or your superior officers ) tell you you'd be more useful somewhere else, and you have GOT to go, it's in your job description. ( Of course Catholic priest do not have children to raise, at least officially). So I wonder, are you sure that once you've got him relocated to Atlnta, he would not have ever to move again ?
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (1 October 2016):
 I think this is a MAJOR difference that needs to be settled before a wedding and before kids.
If you two can not agree, then what future will you two have?
It seems to me that HE wants to make all the "family decisions" and expects you to just suck it up and do what HE wants. That isn't exactly fair is it?
My husband and I had to do a LOT of compromising, but it wasn't just me giving up thing and places it was both of us.
Maybe you two should consider some pre-marital counseling here.
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A
female
reader, Andie's Thoughts  +, writes (1 October 2016):
 Okay, you have to be able to trust him not to go back on it last minute. Location is a big deal, so you can't get married until it's sorted out properly.
Is there not a place in between that has what you both want? The solution may not be NYC or Atlanta, but something that has a bit of both.
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A
male
reader, Fatherly Advice +, writes (1 October 2016):
 That is a pretty major difference of opinions.
Off the cuff I would advise you to hold off the wedding until you resolve it.
Some things you should consider.
He has gone back on a previous agreement. That is Bait and switch. Sell you one thing the deliver something else. It is a lie and a relationship of trust can not be built on a lie.
Ministers move. Ministering does not mean staying in the same congregation your whole life. He needs to get his head around that idea.
While Atlanta is cheaper than New York, last year the Violent crime was higher in Atlanta.
FA
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