A
female
age
41-50,
*ootyboot
writes:I have dated a guy for two months, but we decided to just be friends with benefits because he has too much going on in his life right now and so do I. He said he doesn't feel that "spark" anymore. We meet up for sex about once or twice a week, and he is very sweet and romantic about the sex. He cuddles throughout the night and I always spend the night. He makes me breakfast, and basically treats me like a gf when we are in bed together. Of course we don't really see each other much outside of this arrangement. So the question is, and maybe it's just wishful thinking, but if he doesn't feel any spark, why is he so romantic and thoughtful when we're together? Is this just how guys in FwB situations act? I think I'm just confused.
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male
reader, guppypig +, writes (24 March 2009):
He is sweet and thoughtful because you are a guaranteed easy lay. Once he's convinced you this is a great arrangement, why would he disturb it by acting rude?
A
reader, anonymous, writes (24 March 2009): I am in a 'Friends With Benefits' relationship with a guy who sounds similar to yours.
The arrangement suits us, we have one specified night together which is 'ours' and we're each free to call on the other one for an extra night if need arises. There are no hard feelings if either has to cancel.
Neither of us wants a conventional relationship.
He's going take early retirement in two years time and fulfil a lifetime ambition to travel. This he wants to do without any 'baggage', so refuses to get embroiled in a 'relationship', says it wouldn't be fair to the woman.
I was in a relationship with a jealous and controlling man for a number of years, and I'm not ready to have a full time partner in my life.
This is a guy with whom I've been friends for some considerable time....so when a drunken kiss on my birthday turned into a mutually satisfying sexual encounter......it was quite simply the icing on the cake.
You seem confused that when you're together your guy behaves like a gentleman and treats you like a lady?
Why should he not?
If you're friends it stands to reason that you have affection and mutual respect for one another.
When we're together sexually ,my guy behaves in exactly the same way as yours......loving and romantic, tender and passionate.....he never stops kissing me and I always have the most wonderful time. The intimacy is total and uninhibited ....I can do anything to him and he can do anything to me. Afterward he kisses me gently, I always stay the night and he holds me close in his arms.
The difference with us is that we've continued being friends and still do the ususal friends 'stuff'....we go for a drink, see a band, meet up and just talk.....we don't necessarily fall into bed every time we meet.
And out of bed our behaviour with one another is totally different.....as soon as we leave the bedroom it reverts to simply being friends. When I leave he pecks me on the cheek, as he would any other female friend.
The success to a relationship like this is to have clear boundaries that both parties feel comfortable with.
Our friendship is as strong as ever.
When he goes overseas I'll miss him......but unlike a 'girlfriend' who might try and persuade him to stay, I'll be waving him off at the airport, happy to see my friend fulfil a dream.
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A
female
reader, Emilysanswers  +, writes (17 March 2009):
That is what you do when you are friends with benefits.
You don't have to be complete bastards to eachother, then have sex and then tell them to get out.
Being sweet and romantic and cuddling is NICE. It's fun for him too. It's part of the sex for him, and he can do it because there is no on going feelings to worry about.
But here is the problem. You DO have ongoing feelings, and this means you ARE going to get hurt by this.
Friends with Benefits only EVER works when you are JUST FRIENDS. If one person wants to be more then they start getting down about themselves. It starts saying, it's not me it's him, he just can't have a girlfriend right now... then you get your hopes up and psycho analyse the way he hugs you, or the fact he makes you coffee and try to hope that this means deep down he loves you. THEN you start worrying that it is just you and you've played it wrong and he doesn't respect you, or there is something wrong that you did. THEN he meets some girl he likes and calls the whole thing off and you are left distraught and on dearcupid asking where it all went wrong.
Do a search for it and you will read the questions for yourself.
If you want more from this guy then back off and tell him you can't do it without getting hurt. He may realise what he's losing at this point and come after you. He may tell you that it's a shame but to have a nice life.
Either way you will know and be able to move on.
Good Luck!! xx
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (17 March 2009): I gotta say that I never agreed with the whole FwB thing, seems to me that someone always gets their feelings hurt. But if it works for you... I think that if he isnt going out of his way to contact you outside of this arrangement then thats probably all he wants from you. I have to agree with damluvaam here, he is probably a natural romantic. However if you want more then you have to speak up and let your feelings known! Best of luck...Jez
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