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female
,
anonymous
writes: I posted the other day about my male friend who has a condition which I think may be ADD. To recap: At the beginning of last week, he asked me to be his girlfriend and he respected the fact that I needed time to think about it. We really like and fancy each other.At the end of the week, he sent me a rather graphic message which I was initially shocked about and I jokingly texted back that I would have to keep away from him, etc. He phoned up later on to apologise about the text saying ‘that’s another relationship I’ve f**ked up’. He said he had ‘reconsidered whether I should get involved with a friend and anyway, I’ve met someone. I think there could be something there and she adds a twinkle to my eye’. I asked who he meant and he said did I really want to know and added it was me! I said I was glad he said that and he asked me if we were in the same place. I said yes. Did he think this meant I had agreed to be his girlfriend? But then he asked if I wanted to talk further about becoming boyfriend/girlfriend . I’m confused.Although we have seen each other alot since then, he has only sent me one text when we haven’t seen each other. I wonder if the misunderstanding has put him off texting me, although he did mention he was having probs with his mobile. I really miss his texts though.Anyway, that is not the main thing. Earlier this week he came over and I wanted to talk to him about becoming his girlfriend. I said to him ‘you know that question you asked me last week?’ and he said ‘No!’ I said to him ‘Well, it was quite an important question!’ to give him a hint but he genuinely had no recollection of having asked me anything!!! Well, I was so taken aback that he could have forgotton something like that I was left totally dumbstruck. This furthers my belief that whatever condition he has could be worse than I thought. He told me that he had lost his keys earlier in the evening and his brain had just emptied of everything. I am just not sure how to take it from here as he hasn’t mentioned it since. Has he decided he now doesn’t want to be involved, does he assume we are already going out together or is he still waiting for me to say that I want to be his girlfriend? I don’t really know what to say to him since he doesn’t remember asking me!!!I want to say yes to being his girlfriend, but I am confused about my feelings for him. For the past 8 months I have been dying for him to ask me to be his girlfriend but when he did I suddenly became unsure. What is that about? I don’t know if that is my usual fearful self or whether I should be taking notice of my feelings. He rarely asks me questions about myself although there is plenty of sexual banter. It makes me wonder if he is interested in me as a person or whether he just wants sex, although I think maybe it is his way of saying he is interested in me!!! He says he wants a serious relationship with me and to take it really slow and even though he has had an opportunity to have sex with me he hasn’t taken it. He has never ever pressured me into sex. On the contrary, when he started kissing me he stopped it. He is a very complex character! He is painfully shy in some respects (he was so nervous when he asked me to be his girlfriend), he is always apologising (even though I tell him he doesn’t need to all the time), is sensitive, etc.I think I would like to get to know him even better as a friend before committing myself but I risk losing him to another girl. As a girlfriend, sex would be quite a bit in the future for me, but how long is it reasonable to expect a man to wait to go onto that step? He is 22 and I am older.I know I’ve painted him in a bad light but he has many wonderful qualities and is the only man I have ever met who I feel comfortable being myself around.
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female
reader, Juliette  +, writes (3 September 2006):
 ADD is when people drift off even quite simple things like being asked a few questions and not being able to concentrate long enough to listen to the question tyoe of thing. I think it is easy though to adopt a label just because someone is a bit vague at times. When I was 21 I carried a shovel full of ash to my bedroom looking for the dustbin!
The reason is often being distracted by too many thoughts. I do a very responsible job and I am known for being fussy and thorough, yet I often do not know the day of the week and often get my childrens' names wrong. My sister who is very clever, once forgot her baby outside a shop and returned home without him. I once set off to Plymouth from Lancaster and found myself on the way to London, only realising my mistake when I said the scenery had changed!
I think he may be normal and could even be playing up to his 'disability' to see how you react. The sex comments by text could have been in a weak moment and maybe he accidentally sent it when he was just playing around with what he would like to say. I know men who often test the ground with such comments to see what response they get. I still say, if he is really a nice guy, just see how it goes with him. Try finding some other interests he has other than sex.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (3 September 2006): I am the original poster of the question. He works in the care sector. He hold s down jobs successfully. He seems to remember how to do things on a practical level within a routine, but outside of that he seems to be forgetful and confused.He is more spontaneous, usually arranging to see me the day he contacts me as opposed to planning ahead. He said he forgets immediate family's birthdays and once he arrived home to find that his parents weren't there and was worried about them only to realise later on they were on holiday. There were complications when he was born and I gather there was a strong possibility he was starved of oxygen for a short time resulting in whatever his condition is. As his condition has never been diagnosed, it is difficult to know how to work through it.Great advice Juliette, keep the advice coming agony aunts.
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A
female
reader, Juliette +, writes (3 September 2006):
It would be interesting to know what his job is for a start or what clues there might be to his abilities where his memory is relied upon. He could just be in denial about the text and be too embarrassed to admit sending it. He does sound very complex and I suggest you don't rush things, just stick around, enjoy his company and gather more data on him so you can be sure you are not getting into something risky. In my view there is nothing wrong with being a girlfriend to a man who has a health problem, but you have some doubts as to whether he is genuine or not, and knowing him for longer without sex may help you to decide more clearly.
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