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female
,
anonymous
writes: I feel really lonely but don’t know what to do about it. I am 30 years old. This feeling gradually crept up on me as one by one my friends have either settled down or moved away until I am the only one left. I have been shedding a few tears about it lately.I am feeling resentful towards my friends, many of whom I have known for years, because they don’t appear to be investing much into our friendships. I feel like I am the one who is putting in all the effort. They either don’t contact me at all, or they do but don’t make concrete plans to meet up. I appreciate that as they’ve got older they’ve gained more commitments with work, running businesses, marriage and kids (so finances are going to be more stretched too), but even so........I’ll give you a few examples:- one friend (married) who I contacted in May to meet up for her birthday (haven’t seen each other since November) sounded really enthusiastic about it but said she would contact me when she got back off her holiday - still haven’t heard from her.Example 2 - another friend (married with 2 young kids, business) has been asking me to go and stay with her for ages as we haven’t seen each other for 5 years, but when I try to make concrete arrangements I get no reply. I have sent her an e-mail. Wasn’t sure she got that, as I received no reply, so sent her a letter asking her if it was convenient to spend time with her at the end of July (I have to give 2 weeks notice to my employers). I’ve heard nothing so it looks like I won’t be going. Example 3 - have been trying to arrange to meet up with yet another friend who celebrated a milestone birthday last month. We have sent each other a few texts but again she was going on holiday and I’ve heard nothing since.I get lots of enthusiasm but no concrete arrangements. Even though not all my friends know each other, they all seem to be acting the same!!! I can’t understand why you would not want to see a friend and go out and enjoy yourself once in a while!!! Am I doing something wrong? When I suggest things to do, I more often than not get met with rejection? Very often it seems like it is all on their terms. Surely this isn’t normal in friendships?When I do see them, I feel like they are seeing me because they having nothing else better to do. For example, one of them said ‘i’m doin nothing, would you like to come over?’ It felt like they were saying ‘I’ve got nothing else better to do, I know I’ll contact ...........’ How do I stop feeling like this and be more positive about it???I guess part of the conflict lies in the fact that because I am still single, I want to see my friends as often as when they had no commitments but this is more than they are able to or want to see me, so I am left at home on my own with no-one to go out and enjoy life with.I am friendly with people my age but lately nothing ever seems to develop into friendship. I imagine because alot of them have the same commitments as my friends and probably have enough friends.Mum has said she doesn’t want me to end up with no friends like her, but it feels like that is the way it is going to end up through no fault of my own but my friends taking me forgranted.I don’t want to lose my friends but there is only so much effort I can put into these friendships.I feel like I am bottom of their list of their priorities, and I want to be near the top, someone that people say ‘yes I really want to be with her and enjoy going to events with her’.Do you think it is purely that they are busy, or do they not want to see me anymore? I am inclined to think the latter as surely if I mean anything to them or they really wanted to see me, they would make the effort to contact meIf they do still like me, I want to encourage them to meet up a bit more often or at least for them to contact me more often. How do I do that?!? I am not needy with them because I contact them far less than I would like to (Example 1 - 6 months since we last saw each other, example 2 - 5 years but contact through letters and e-mails, example 3 - 6 months, the odd text) I know I need to be more assertive with them so that my feelings are taken into account more, but don’t know how to go about it.So, do my friends want to be friends? If so, how do I get a better balance in my friendships - encourage them to contact me more, do things I want to do occasionally... etc.All advice appreciated.
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reader, anonymous, writes (4 March 2010): No. I strongly disagree with the poster who responded that the problem is "YOU". People want to be loved. People enjoy their lives in the company of other people. If the advice previously stated is that YOU need to basically "get a life" and not look to others for love and acceptance with other friends, then what are those people who are too "busy" to see you doing? Just being with their families and NO friends 24-7? No. Of course not. They have friends and do nurture friendships of their own. The problem lies in what kinds of people you are trying to maintain friendships with; selfish, non-sentimental, insincere people who enjoy SAYING that they want to get together but who fail to demonstrate their indicated desires to actually GET together with sincerity. These are disingenuous people. THAT is the problem. NOT you.
You need to look elsewhere for your source of good solid friendships. I am 45, married with a child. I have a full time job and if **I** can still manage to make the time (notice I did not say "find" the time?) to meet up with an old friend, then so can those people who are married with jobs and children.They just elect NOT to...and it has NOTHING to do with YOUR quality as a human being or you being "needy" or your quality as a valuable friend who wants, desires and needs to be loved, appreciated and included in mutually-respectful friendships. When people get older, SOME of those people's values shift, especially when they get married and have kids. Oftentimes, people decide to hang out with other people who have the similar life situation with spouse and children and similar values: car, house, hobbies, career, kids, car pools, cottage, etc. and this is natural to an EXTENT BUT...SOME of those people still find the time to maintain sincere relationships with those from their past:single or not. Others elect ton push those relationships from the past away for the mere reason they are not feeling like investing the time and care required to actually follow through with a reunion. That's fine. What is NOT fine is LYING to the person and claiming you have intent to get together when, in fact, you have NO intent whatsoever. It's selfish, pointless and insincere.
Advice: Drop those so called "friends" and get new, consistent, genuine friends who appreciate and love you.
THEIR loss if they are too blind to seize the opportunity to enjoy and value your good company.
BOTTOM LINE:
You're sentimental about your past friendship with them. They're not.
People should say what they mean and mean what they say.
Rest assured, you are not the only person with this dilemma.
It's an age old problem that only seems to have escalated in this cyber age-where words are cheap and many people are too quick to type out what they deem as "good intentions" (lies)to meet up with an old friend.
I'm so sorry this has been happening to you.
Never mind about them.(Don't water that plant)
Find new and better friends.
((HUGS))
A
female
reader, pica +, writes (9 July 2006):
Sorry if I sound harsh here but I'm early 40s and your story rings a lot of bells with me, having lived alone for 10+ years. Unfortunately, you are the one with the problem, not your friends. Yes, they have priorities above your well-being. Yup, been there, still there! Your problem isn't them - it's you. What you expect from them isn't how they read your friendship. I understand, being on your own you can feel too available and that breeds resentment (oh yes). But at the end of the day you want to be happy, and to do that you need to enjoy yourself - your own life - more. Forget the continual grading of how friends are. If they enjoy themselves with you them they'll come back; if not, let it go. There's been no contracts signed, no promises made. Like any relationship, a friendship which becomes an obligation can stop being fun. It's hard but we singletons have to get over ourselves, get to the stage of doing things in life - employment, hobbies, voluntary work - because we want to. We can't look for validation in others - that just doesn't work. The more interests you have, the more interesting your life will be and you will be. The more others will want to spend time with you.
I know too well that poor-me feeling and you know what? It's a waste of time, it just drags you down. If you haven't already, have a look at some self-help books - words of wisdom in that area have helped more more than once. (Just now reading a book on Tibetan positive thinking and it is really good, specific meditations to help various situations.)
Sorry if this isn't what you want to hear, but I do know exactly where you are coming from. Life does change, over time. Some people might envy you what they see as your freedom. (What about them,their own lives and problems?) Be happy, in your own self. I do hope you can move forward positively from these feelings - it's hard work but worth it.
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