A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:i have a friend that i have known for around 10 years or so.6 years ago,she entered into a relationship with a childhood friend of hers,who is married.well at first everything was ok i guess.he said he would leave his wife and they would be together so she has waited for the past 6 years and he has not left yet.now she is LIVING with him and his wife,and has been for a couple years except when she stayed with me a couple short times in beetween.she is friends with the wife from childhood as well.so anyways this guy has turned into a real monster.very controlling.she is very rarely allowed to go anywhere without him or his wife.she has extremely little contact with friends and family.on the rare occasion that she does go anywhere he tells her when she has to be home and wants a phone number.the sexual things he makes her do are too disgusting for me to even go into detail on here.and she tries to tell him she would like to try and get her own place and he puts her down and says she would never make it on her own.to me this all sounds as though she is suffering through emotional abuse of the worst kind.she is very unhappy but says she still loves him and hopes for him to leave his wife.as a friend,what should i do in this situation? if i say very much to shed a bad light on him,she changes into defensive mode so i try to just listen and be there when she needs/is allowed to talk to me.but i feel like a bad friend if i dont tell her what i really think and offer ways for her to get out.im very concerned for her
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male
reader, rcn +, writes (8 July 2008):
 Asside from your friend. Why is his wife allowing this to happen as well? Does the wife know about this relationship? Have they, at anytime, had sexual relations between the three of them? I ask this to see a picture of the involvement his actual wife may play into this.
First, to clear this up, this guy knows exactly what he's doing. It's not by accident he has this control over her. But she's in love...using that term loosly. She gets defensive because she knows what you're saying is true, but she doesn't want to admit too it. By doing so means her "dream" of him leaving his wife is fiction too.
Whatever happens, she needs to get out of there. He is literally destroying her sense of self. It will get to the point, if it's not already, where she will believe it's impossable to make it on her own. She doesn't deserve to be treated with disrespect. He has no right to do so.
Love protects you from pain, and doesn't cause it. Love shares time, but doesn't control it. Love encourages strength and growth without limiting it. Love allows you to choose, without passing judgement. Best of all, love can be a magical experience, if it really is love.
She is trapped by manipulation and false hopes. She needs to have a chance at life, but living this way she's going to miss out on really living. Your a good friend to her. Remember this, friends sometimes have to say what they need to hear, not what they want to hear.
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