A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:My friend is 16 and she got raped yesterday. we were at a party with friends only and she drank quite a lot, and fell asleep. I then left the party because I had other responsiblity, and so I left her with my other friends, who i trusted. Today she called me to say that she cant remember anything apart from waking up, wearing no clothes with 2 guys who were her friends.she cant remember anything else, and wont go to the police because she doesnt want to lose them as friends. she wont tell her parents either.therefore I have been placed in a really difficult position. I was told not to tell my mum, but I had to because it is too much for me to cope with. I really need some advice, I know she needs to tell her parents and go to the police, but how do i persuade her? Reply to this Question
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reader, anonymous, writes (24 June 2008): It dosn't matter what she says, you have t inform the police and her family.
If she dosn't want to lose them as friends then she dosn't know how serious this is, she may get mad at you for callin the police but its for her own good. Hope this helps
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (19 May 2008): Im 17 and my gril friend was also raped abot 5 monts ago I dident know untill she broke up with me and I asked her what was on her mind and what was bothering her I was worried that it was some thing I did then she told me and Im giveing her space and time to think she told me that she was scared about a relation ship and she needs time to think so im just leting it be and giving her anything and evorything she needs to get over it me and her were NOT sexualy active and she has more trust in me for that so if you love her let her know and show her be thir for her but dont intrude on her personal space and hopefully she will become better in time Im right their with yea man just hold on cuz its going to be a long emotinal ride but make shure you rilly love her and dont break her heart
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (27 April 2008): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionWell thanks for the advice. My friend is going for tests etc next week because the hospital said we have to wait for 2 weeks before anything showed up.
I know drinking is irresponsible, which is why i dont do it, but i cant make my friend not drink.
i dont know if she is going to look for anymore support, however i know she might do sometime soon so i have got a list of numbers and places she can go to.
and yeah it is quite a lot of strain on me and im not coping too well, but im just ignoring that for now.
i think my friend just wants to concentrate on her exams for now, and doesnt want them messed up.
Also on friday she talked to one of the guys that did it and he said that if she is pregnant he wants her to keep it, and he is glad it was her he did it to. However if she was, she would not keep it and has told him she can go to the police, so he has stopped being as stupid now.
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reader, anonymous, writes (24 April 2008): get help and tell her parents she needs to be checked for pregnancy and any sexually transmitted diseases, this is serious and not a game or a movie, she may feel guity or like its her fault but its not and stop drinking so much at partys it leads to stupid things that u will regret when ur older. Go to parties to dance and have fun, when ur older u will be able to go to a party and drink responsibly and socially.
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A
female
reader, Stayc63088  +, writes (23 April 2008):
 Very very few people are raped and not affected by it. I don't know of any. I am not trying to scare you I am just telling you that her talking to you will not help her in the long run. She needs to speak with a professional. Besides look at how much pressure it puts on you! I sincerely hope that later on in life she does not regret the decisions she has made now. I have seen many people go through this before, a girl I know as well. Watch an episode of intervention, almost every girl on there who now has a drug problem or eating disorder was raped or molested. I am NOT saying that she will or every girl does this, I am saying that it does have a long term effect and she won't simply forget it and move on. It will haunt her forever. Atleast convince her to talk to a psyhcologist if nothing else. They cannot go to the police so she can feel safe talking to one. This is much too much pressure on your shoulders. Im sorry for you and for her and I wish you luck.
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female
reader, Laura1318  +, writes (22 April 2008):
 I am sorry that you have been thrusted upon a grave matter on your young shoulders.
You are not expected to offer any solutions or remedies to her problem.
All you can do is to be there for her , to listen , to emphatize and to share her sadness or hurts.
Give her all your support and do not be judgmental or critical of her.
You may disagree with some of her decisions but you need to respect her choice.
Be a friend through thick and thin and no matter what she decides to do.
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reader, anonymous, writes (21 April 2008): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks very much to walker-thee and Laura1318 youve both been a great help. well i have told noone, with the exception of one person, but i asked my friend first to see if it was ok. Althoughh we have done our best to keep quiet, unfortunatly there are rumours going around at school etc, but at the moment we are ignoring them.I know for definate my friend will not go to the police so now i am just concerned about her mental state, i appreciate she does not want councilling, but she has said she only wants to talk to me, but i am only 15 so i am not sure what i can do.So i am just trying my best really.
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female
reader, Laura1318 +, writes (21 April 2008):
Walker-thee has got a good point.
You would not want to compel your friend to go against her wishes.
Whether she is right or wrong, she will have to bear the consequences and not you .
Therefore , do respect her wishes and don't force her against her will.
It is not simply going to the police and everything will be solved.
Even after the report, the DPP may not press charges against those boys if the case is weak .
What you can do is not to speak about this incident to anybody.
Do not be judgmental or critical of your friend.
Just be there and lend her your ears and your shoulder to cry on.
Your friend will pull through...
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A
female
reader, Walker-thee +, writes (21 April 2008):
 In my opinion, keep in the background, give her the advice she needs but don't do any extra. If she asks for your help give it but don't get over involved.I had a friend who got in to situations like this and I stuck by her but got in too deep, she is no longer a friend. So keep your distance.
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reader, anonymous, writes (21 April 2008): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionshe wont go because she says that the guys who did it are like her best friends and she knows it was wrong and she will tell them they were wrong but she wants to give them on emore chance, apparently if they do it again then she will go, but i have explained she shouldnt let them have the chance to doit again.yesterday we went to the hospital, and she has had the pill and we also got some more advice and saw some social workers, however they really didnt help at all, and have discouraged her from doing anything else.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (20 April 2008): You should tell your friend this:Rape is a crime, no matter who commits it. If her friends violated her, they probably don't respect her enough. True friends wouldn't rape you. Tell her that they need to be turned into the police because if she does nothing about it they could possibly to it again to her, or someone else.
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A
female
reader, Laura1318 +, writes (20 April 2008):
Why won't she go to the police?
Is there something that we do not know?
Tell her not to wash her panties because they can get the DNA of the perpetrators.(That is if she wants to go to the police)
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reader, anonymous, writes (20 April 2008): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionShe has gone this morning to get the morning after pill. I think we are going to a clinic later on and i have told her to keep the clothes and not shower for now until she makes a desision (in case she does choose the police)
i would have stayed at the party, but it was 11 at night and i have my GCSE's so i decided to go home, I didnt expect that would happen between my friends who i trusted.
She wont go to the police at the moment or tell her parents, and i respect that so i have suggested talking to someone at the clinic.
Its scary though.
Thanks for help so far, and anymore would be appreciated.
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A
female
reader, Laura1318 +, writes (20 April 2008):
You need to weight the pros and the cons of this rape case.
It is not easy to proof rape in such a case and it may get thrown out without any convictions.
If she reports it , she may have to relive those scenes and receive plenty of publicity.
The decision to report or not is up to her to decide.
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female
reader, Tigerlily +, writes (20 April 2008):
Everyone is giving good advice but the statement that concerns me the most is your friend wants to stay friends with her rapists? Boys who force themselves on a girl who is drunk or has passed out are not friends. If they did this to their "friend" then who else might they or have they done it to? Maybe you can get your friend to look at it from that angle. But don't force her, it's a very scary thing. Try to be patient and understanding and encourage her to talk about it with her parents even if she's scared to.
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female
reader, Stayc63088 +, writes (20 April 2008):
You may lose her as a friend this way but I would tell her parents. This is just my opinion. She will regret not going to the police for the rest of her life. These "friends" of hers will not matter to her years from now, remind her of this. Tell her she cannot let men do this to her, take advantage and use her, and get away with it! Let her know they will be doing it to other girls as well- this could be on her concious also. I cannot even imagine what she is going through but at the same time I cannot imagine letting them get away with it. No person has a right to do that to another. Please tell her parents, they will convince her to do the right thing. She needs to go to the police and seek professional help. Rape victims often have psychological problems down the road for obvious reasons. She is your friend and she may be mad now but trust me it is for the absolute best and only out of your love and care for her. She will forgive you someday but for now know in your heart you did the right thing. You could face just as much regret as she would if you did nothing. You need to tell her parents. Do not not let these "men" get away with what they did to her. Good luck and please please take my advice.
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A
male
reader, Sandman +, writes (20 April 2008):
 This is an unfortunate situation. It's pretty bad that she was raped by two guys she thought were her friends. It will be even worse if you guys have a riff in your relationship together because she won't do what you think is right - no matter what she thinks.
Right now you'll just have to be a friend. You've told her how you feel, that she should go to the police and tell her parents. If she won't do it, then respect her decision. But remain her close friend and let her know that if and when she decides to say something that you will be right there to support her in her decision.
What you might want to do is let her know that she might want to get the morning after pill and get tested for STD's. There's no telling how many women fell victim to those guys that night and who might have had what disease. It's not telling, it's making sure that after all that, her body will not suffer any negative consequences - because her mind already has.
Hope this helps.
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A
female
reader, Laura1318 +, writes (20 April 2008):
As a friend, you need to respect her decisions.
Do not force her to make decisions which she does not like.
Give her more time to think over.
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