A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:My closest friend has a 2 and half yr old daughter. I wasnt there for her as much as I would like to have been because I had a bike accident a week after she had the baby and couldnt get out and about for a good 3-4 months, but I did visit as often as I could. By the time I was better she had made some friends from baby groups and so she didnt seem to mind. The problem started when I fell pregnant with my daughter. My friend (lets call her sam) spent alot of time with me. But she also scared me to death. She told me about how horrendous birth was and that going on most people she knows statistically I would probably end up having a surgical birth eg forceps or a c.section. and how she is the only woman she knows in her friendship circle that has given birth naturally. I wanted a natural birth so the idea of it tormented me a little. She also said how all my friends will dissapear after the novelty of a baby has worn off and motherhood is lonely and that she recons I would struggle. I took all this on the chin and decided that she was in her own way just trying to help. My daughter was born by c section after a 24hr labour....not the perfect birth I had imagined. Sam visited at the hospital and the first words out of her mouth were "see I told you so" This really upset me and my husband. She then dissapeared for weeks on end saying she was busy and when I did see her she kept asking wether she was right about everyone dissapearing and asked was I enjoying the sleepless nights and not having any time to myself any more (all said in a joking sarchastic way) I told her not to be so silly and we had a bit of an argument but we made up and I was willing to forget it. fast forward a couple of weeks I had a few bad nights with the baby not sleeping and went over to see her for a chat and a moan. I will be honest I was a bit tearful and she suggested that I had PND. I told her I was just a bit tired and that I didnt feel depressed or anything like that, it had just been over those 3/4 days, and I was right because my daughter is sleeping better and now Im as right as rain. Now Iv found out that Sam has spoken to my husband and mother suggesting that she thinks I am definatly depressed (even though she has only seen me twice maybe three times in 5 months??!!)and has made a load of stuff up too, basically implying that I told her that I regret having a baby and how Im struggling with being a mum!!! I dont think or feel any of this and now my husbands watching me like a hawk and Im even paranoid about looking tired or being grouchy because Im afraid of accusations starting! I havent seen sam since this and Im very angry with her. I feel like she is somehow enacting revenge on me in some way because I wasnt around for her or that she wants me to struggle and fail at being a mum. Im so hurt and confused I dont know what to do about her, I dont want her around me but I have to say something because I dont want to be a walk over, the problem is, what do I say or do?
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (7 July 2013): She's putting her feelings on you by the sounds of it but may not consciously realise she is doing it. I would say for the time being just have more space apart, focus on you and your family and re-evaluate her later. If she does visit, ensure your hubby there at all times to hear what is actually coming out of your mouth. Also, whether you need to vent or not, don't use her as a sound board if she's gonna run off behind your back and tell people. She may just honestly be worried but still, its not her place to interfer. As for hubby, just keep talking to him. If he's watching you like a hawk as you say, i would say that "sam" said some things that he himself may have been concerned about. He clearly loves you but keep communication open. Talk talk talk will ease him.
A
female
reader, deirdre  +, writes (3 July 2013):
I agree with all the answers here. it sounds like she has a sad boring life if Im honest, and she quite possibly is jealous of you. I would keep her at a long distance and consider cutting contact. it doesnt sound like you are struggling, but even if you were, I think your husband or mother would notice before she would. dont give her any more details of how you are finding parenthood, she is a troublemaker.
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A
female
reader, SillyB  +, writes (2 July 2013):
 she's a toxic friend, also known as a frienemy. Cut all ties. This girl is unhappy and wants you to be just as unhappy as her.She won't tell you this, of course, because something is off in her head. Ditch her ASAP and find sweet supportive friends.
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A
male
reader, DV1 +, writes (2 July 2013):
 It sounds like she's not your friend, but someone that wants to make someone suffer as much as she's suffering. Get her out of your life, change your number, and tell her to stay away from your family. She's toxic!
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (2 July 2013): It sounds as though she doesn't enjoy being a Mum and is trying to put you off too for whatever reason. Maybe to make herself feel better? She sounds like she has a pretty sad life to be honest, and she should be pitied more than anything. Saying that, I completely understand why you are so mad. She had no right to say any of those things to your family. If I were you I would tell her that the only thing stressing you out in your life is her and her meddling, and you no longer want it in your life. She sounds like a toxic person and friend and you don't need people like that in your life. What do you even get from the friendship other than having another Mum to chat to now and again? I'd take a leaf out of her book and make new friends at a mother and baby group - ones who want to support you and share your lovely new chapter with you, not drag you down with petty moaning.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (2 July 2013):
 Stop talking to her for a while, she is NOT helping you.
The thing is, she is projecting her regrets and fears onto you and you are lapping them up, thinking because she is a friend this is friendly advice... it is NOT.
My guess, she is not a happy person, nor is she happy about motherhood. I'm guessing she miss the life BC (Before Children). SHE is NOT going to be supportive of you, partly because she (and again this is a guess) she is lashing out a little at you for being MIA when she first had her child. (doesn't matter that you weren't physically able to be there lol that is not how she sees it) and partly because she isn't happy in her own life. (not saying SHE is depressed, but she isn't happy and thus NOT helpful).
Know this, having a child doesn't make you (in this case HER) an expert. Not one bit. I have 3 kiddos and I'm CERTAINLY not an expert.
So my suggestion, if you need moral support, talk to your husband/mom/MIL and ACCEPT that sometimes you NEED to vent, and sometimes you need sleep, and NEED a break, and THAT is OK.
Does she want you to fail? I don't know and if I were you, I wouldn't care what SHE wants (as far as your parenting skills) because it DOESN'T MATTER. All that matter is what YOU want. And I assume you want to succeed, so ignore her and her advice and do your best.
As for friends, she might not be "worth" keeping around as a friend if THIS is how she "supports" you.
Chin up and talk to your husband too.
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