A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I am widowed and have become engaged. My fiancé and I took a short trip over the weekend. My late husband's sister called me on my cell to let me know that her dad (my father-in-law) had two strokes and that he was in the hospital.We happened to be 45 minutes away. I asked if we could go so I could see my father-in-law, but he was very hesitant. He had planned this trip for us and he was the one that took his car and was doing all driving. I also realize this isn't his family and I can tell he doesn't want to become involved with them too much and I get that and I can realize his point of view. So, I scrapped the idea but I feel so guilty for not seeing my father-in-law. The flip side is that my late husband's parent's in the course of our marriage only saw us a handful of times and didn't come to see their son after his car accident nor attend his funeral--my father-in-law's second wife has been very ill so it is hard for them to get away but prior to her illness they never saw us much to begin with and like I said only a handful of times did they visit us which upset my late husband. We never had any children.So what do people do in these circumstances. The grandchildren from his daughter go and visit and so do my late husband's uncle's-his father's brothers. His wife, my late husband's stepmother is now at the hospital too, she recently went into a nursing home and is very sick and may not make it and can't recognize anyone anymore. She always treated me very well when we did visit them over the years.If it was me driving and it was my car I would have gone to see them but it's dicey now that I am engaged. If my fiancé's father is ill we go at the drop of a hat and of course I understand that too because it is his own father.
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female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (3 July 2013):
 I agree that you are entitled to a relationship with your former in-laws.
I also can understand your fiance not wanting to be reminded over and over that the only reason you are with him is that you are a widow who lost her love.
I think a compromise is in order. You can see them as you need to within reason and he does not have to be exposed to it. Therefore sit down and hash out the rules.
there is no crime in having rules in a relationship that are planned, thought out and adhered to. IN our house we actually write some of the rules down and keep a running list of them.
A
female
reader, llifton +, writes (3 July 2013):
 I would want to go out of respect and I'd want my partner to go with me just for the sake of comfort.
He does have the right to say he doesn't want to go, however, it seems a bit selfish. But you absolutely have every right to be there if you choose. And I would if I were you.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (2 July 2013):
 I would suggest that you talk it out with him. I think he has every right to say :"no, thanks I don't want to get involved with your former husband's family" but he can't tell you that YOU can't see them. (IMHO)
I see NO reason why YOU (even if you have to go alone in the future) can't see your "former" inlaws.
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