A
female
age
41-50,
*r13
writes:I have a childhood friend who is is making me feel bad about myself. We started out being friends from around the age of 12 and we are both in our late 20s now. We werent so close for a few years while we lived in different cities for college. In the past 4 years we have become much closer. We have moved to the same place now by chance and we happen to live about a block away from each other. She is a really close friend and is always there to support me especially in times of crisis. In the past about 10 months I have been very frustrated with her. I feel like sometimes she talks down to me(not necessarily intentionally) and she is a pretty pessamistic person. All of my friends who meet her always point out what a downer she is. And at this point I feel I have to watch what I say to her because everything seems to be a subject she cant handle talking about if its not about her, or it offends her somehow. I am feeling like she is a bit jealous of me recently, which is ridiculous. Sometimes I dont pay attention because we have such a long history together, but she is just getting me so down these days and I cant seem to get away from her. I dont really want to cut her off completely but I find that these days I cant even stand seeing her for a couple of hours at a time. She seems to consume every last bit of my energy and when I leave her I always feel depressed. How can I back away from her without her noticing and calling me out on it? I still want her in my general life but just not so close
View related questions:
depressed, jealous Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, pr13 +, writes (20 February 2011):
pr13 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks Chocoholicforever!I know that everything you are saying is what I should do. And I am pretty sure the last part is what should really happen, as an adult I should be able to tell her, and if she is angry its her problem. Its just difficult. Its just nice to hear that you know what you feel you should do is the right way to go about it. She isnt super clingy but I do feel I am her fall back friend. She has other friends and she works full time. I guess I do just have to make myself less available. I do have a new boyfriend, so, I guess he can always be a partial excuse for me too :-) thanks again!
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (20 February 2011): You want to back away from her, so do it. Why are you afraid of her noticing? Or do you mean you want to back away from her, but don't want to have to explain the real reason is that you can't stand her anymore. Well, you could fake an illness that makes you supposedly unable to go hang out together, but make sure you don't accidentally bump into her when you're out and about...I've been involved with people (as friends) who were toxic...and because I don't walk away from friendships easily I would stubbornly continue to invest time and energy into those friendships even when it was really draining me, but out of a sense of loyalty....I realize now that I'm a magnet for toxic people because my instincts are to be caring and collegial, and put other's needs above mine, and give them a second chance, and third, and fourth...eventually when I could no longer stand being constantly hurt or belittled or taken advantage of, I ended such friendships either by just quietly disappearing, or when something they said or did was so offensive that I finally lost it and blatantly and abruptly ended contact. It really is a relief to no longer have a toxic person as a regular part of your life. It really is. I look back on those times when I was entangled in such toxic 'friendships' and am so glad I'm free of them now, it really makes a difference. Time and energy are our greatest resources. What you choose to spend your time and energy on will really impact your daily life and your sense of well being.
...............................
A
female
reader, chocoholicforever +, writes (20 February 2011):
Can you make yourself less available, like say you have other prior commitments, like your job has changed and you have to work different hours, or you've taken up new activities or something similar?
Does she demand that you spend a lot of time with her? Or does she not make demands on your time just that whenever you are around her the interaction turns sour? Does she have other friends?
bottom line is that if you don't want to be around someone because they drain your energy or because they are full of negativity that it really affects you, then you should cut back on the time you spend around them.
if you distance yourself and she 'calls you out' on it, well then so what? Just stick with your story - of being busy, having new commitments at work or other activities, etc. You may find that if you cut back on the time you spend with her, then when you DO spend time with her you have more energy in reserve to tolerate her negative energy and it won't bother you as much.
Or you could be direct and blunt and distance yourself and when she calls you out on it, tell her bluntly that you're tired of her negativity that's why you've decided to spend your time elsewhere. She may not take this well, but it's the truth and as an adult she deserves to hear the truth, she needs to take responsibility for how her behavior affects other people.
She is entitled to her own opinions, but that doesn't give her the right to behave rudely if she disagrees with what you say. another thing you could do is to end the visit or interaction whenever she starts to talk down to you or become negative. In other words, you can still go hang out with her, but as soon as she starts to get negative, simply say clearly that you don't want to get into an argument so you are going to leave. And then leave. She may get mad and cut YOU out of her life, but at this point it sounds like that might not be such a bad thing!
...............................
|
