A
female
age
26-29,
anonymous
writes:So I've been in a relationship for 2 years, I just turned 17 and I have known him for goodness knows how long, we went to primary together and I know people say going out with you best friend never work but I genuinely thought we did, until the last 4 month. Last December I had an abortion, not because I wanted to but because he pushed me into getting one. We had used contraception and all that but the pill and condom had been "in effective" my parents split up years ago and having a younger brother I couldn't put her through any of it, I still feel like shit for it. He decided to propose 3 months ago and I said no, not because I don't love him but because of the way he has been. He will flirt with other girls to make me jealous, buy me something out of nowhere to then ask for something in return, tells me I make him hurt all the time (when all I do is try make him happy) he had an abusive past and I just couldn't hurt him knowing that but I don't know what to do. My friend says its emotional blackmail and is a form of abuse but I'm really unsure. My mum says to end the relationship before he gets worse. Yesterday I had gotten picked up from work and my mum seen how happy I was and then as soon as I see my boyfriend he started saying horrible things, he calls me a bitch and a slut all the time when he is the only serious, "proper" relationship I have had. But I am using all of my self control not to just snap. I find myself just crying sometimes and I just don't know what to do? Help?
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abortion, best friend, condom, emotional blackmail, flirt, jealous, split up, the pill Reply to this Question
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, Abella  +, writes (22 June 2015):
 Hi,
These are some really big issues and it must indeed be very difficult for you to decide these big issues.
You have suffered so much. You have been subjucted to so much pressure. Far too much pressure for one so young.
And you have very lovingly thought of your mother and her situation and not wanted to burden her.
But your Mom really loves you and she is concerned for you too. She very lovingly thinks of you and sees so much. She can see that this guy is making you unhappy.
Emotionally you are torn about ending your close connection to this man. You want to be loyal to him because you've known him so long.
But people change and he is not the boy you recall who shared his pain with you.
He has his pain too. But the pain in his past still does not give him the right to abuse you and inflict the kind of pain that has left you hurting.
You do need a rest from the level of abuse he's subjecting you to.
While he urgently needs some long term counselling to come to terms with what he suffered earlier.
I do hope to hear from you via a follow up.
Please be assured that people are concerned for you.
Because you sound like such a kind and caring girl who suffered too much at the hands of another who needs some professional support to help him heal.
Take a big breath. Count to ten. Listen to your wonderful Mom and your dear friend who also all want the best for you.
A loving boyfriend just does not cause this level of pain.
He is out of his depth as he is in serious need of some counselling.
And your pain is real and your loyalties are torn because you too are as loving and kind as your dear Mom.
Making a decision to take a break from him is the right thing to do. It will feel tough to do this.
You have NOTHING to be ashamed about by breaking up nor is there any shame in protecting you from a situation that is too big to handle.
There are adult women who grapple with such big issues and worry about how breaking up will affect the abuser.
Never forget that if your spirit becomes so damaged by too much abuse that you will be the one who suffers.
That is why breaking up with him is the best outcome for you and him getting some counselling is best outcome for him.
I do wish you the very best in the future. And fingers crossed that you will feel able to post a followup.
Regards
Abella
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (22 June 2015): Classic abuser. You should read this:http://chicwithkinks.com/2015/05/29/recognising-a-toxic-person/
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A
female
reader, Honeygirl  +, writes (22 June 2015):
 Hon, this guy is an emotional abuser, and don't for one minute think that as time goes by things will get better... they will get worse.
It will eventually get to a point where he is physically abusing you.
Also please remember you are not responsible for his behaviour.
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A
female
reader, YouWish +, writes (22 June 2015):
 You've gotten really good advice on here.
However, do you really have it in you to DO what needs to be done, or are you the type who will vent how you feel, ask for advice, and then spend the next 5 years yo-yo'ing back to him over and over again until you have no soul left and don't even remember what it's like to be happy??
You're not *IN* a proper, serious relationship.
You're in an abusive, dysfunctional relationship.
Your mom advised you to break up with him. The fact that you haven't done so, the fact that you put up with him calling you woman-shaming names and then staying with him after he pressured you to have an abortion makes me think that you'll not leave him.
What will it take? You getting your teeth broken? You losing all of your friends? You getting pregant again and having another abortion? Him sleeping with another girl in front of you since he'll flirt just to get to you?
Get a friend of yours, go see him together, and tell him "We're done. Never talk to me, contact me, or look at me ever again" and then like the others said, block him off of your phone and all social media.
You being a teenager should NOT be spending the only time you have as a teenager feeling like this.
Being a teenager means being happy, hanging out with friends, enjoying life before taking on the adult mantle of responsibility. You'll never get this time back! You'll never get your youth back once it's gone, and you're letting this guy take it from you because he's an abusive asshat.
If you have to spend one more day *deliberating* on whether to leave him instead of dropping his worthless ass to the curb and then telling US you cut him off as if he's dead to you, then you need to seek professional help to cleanse that damage and corrosion from yourself. If you're depressed and feel paralyzed, run to the school counselor and have a real heart to heart with her.
Does your mom know you got an abortion?
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A
female
reader, Abella +, writes (22 June 2015):
I do respect that this s about you - and the domestic violence you have been subjected to - and I have little sympathy for a person, (male or female) who abuses.
However I recognise that a person who has been abused in the past really does need counselling. It is important to break the circle of abuse so that he realises that the abuse he suffered in the past is not his fault.
Though the abuse he inflicts on you - he is responsible for that.
But if he has never received counselling and has then gone on to be abusive to you - then he could benefit from some professional help.
There are agencies out there that can help him uncover the demons that haunt him as a result of the abuse he suffered,
Here is the link - and if he clicks on to it he will see the links for male victims of domestic violence.
http://www.helpguide.org/articles/abuse/domestic-violence-and-abuse.htm
The other link below is for victims of sexual abuse
www.rainn.org
Perhaps your mother could give him the links, rather than you, to make it clear that your contact with him is over.
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A
female
reader, Abella +, writes (22 June 2015):
Hi
A "Proper boyfriend" does not speak to a girl like that.
The first time a guy says a mean nasty abusive remark he has sealed his fate.
And If I had ever had a guy ever physically abuse me with a slap I would have been out the door faster than Road Runner from Looney Tunes cartoons.
You deserve to be respected, listened to, your feelings considered and your wishes respected.
A proper boyfriend will ask you your opinion on matters and will want to do his very best for you.
Forget the Good Guy : Bad Guy thing . Trust me the Smart girls go for a Good Guy because he is a keeper and because he is so respectful and a joy to be with.
A Good Guy can still be exciting, fun, considerate and get on well with others. He has the respect of his peers and he can work in a team setting.
How dare this guy speak to you so abusively.
Your Friend and your Mother have seen through his shenanigans and it sounds like you are also realizing that a Proper Boyfriend does not make you sad an anxious and unhappy.
Don't agonise about splitting from him. Just Do it. For you and for your future happiness.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (22 June 2015):
 Your mom is right, HE will only get worse.
JUST because he is your FIRST proper relationship doesn't MEAN he somehow OWNS you or that you can't grow apart.
Don't allow someone to talk to you like that, you HANG up if you are on the phone or get up and go home if you are in person, if you are texting.. you turn the phone off. When you turn it back on you BLOCK his number and DELETE him of FB etc.
YOU are JUST 17 and have your WHOLE life ahead of you, WHY settle for such an abusive guy?
I would suggest you talk to your GP and find a counselor so you can deal with the abortion. THAT is a HUGE deal, physically and emotionally. AND cut this guy out of your life.
Your mom IS right, you DO deserve better.
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A
female
reader, mystiquek +, writes (22 June 2015):
 You are young and inexperienced sweetie. Listen to your mother, she's looking out for you and sees things that you probably can't see yet. This boyfriend of yours is trouble. I'm really sorry that you had to go through with having an abortion at your tender age. Have you sought out counselling to help you work through everything? I hope if you haven't that you will.
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A
female
reader, Ciar  +, writes (22 June 2015):
 Your mum and your friend are right. Nothing more I can add to that.
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