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male
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anonymous
writes: One of my best friends has been dealing with the loss of her virginity for the last 8 months and I have a question about trying to advise her. She is a very christian girl that believes in waiting till marriage and that her virginity was the single greatest things she had. She fell in love with a guy and consequently loss her virginity. It took her 3 months to accept that it was concentual and pressure free. After about a months worth of sex she broke up with the boy to "get rid of the temptation". The boy has stood by her during this time and has taken the abuse, had sit downs with her parents, and has always been there so it is not an issue of her being used. Her problem now is that she is in a new relationship where she does not care for her boyfriend and he treats her bad but her reasoning for staying in this relationship is because the boy she is with now is a virgin and she is not so she does not have the right to set high standards. She acts as if loosing her virginity makes her less of a person and that just because this kid is an attractive 19 year old virgin that he must be a good person though he never acknowledges her existence unless he is completely bored and they can go 2 weeks without anyone hearing from the other and they are less that an hour away from each other during the week and about 10 minutes apart on the weekends. Basically the question is how can I help her to gain her self respect back and get her to stop thinking she is worthless for loosing her virginity and that this guy is some higher being and worth the crap she gets from him just because he is a virgin?
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reader, anonymous, writes (11 March 2007): I say that there is much stress and turmoil at home and this has put her own self worth in question. I say that there might be a history of neglect or abuse in her own home.
It doesn't imply physical or sexual. It could just be that he own parents are two people who are cold to one another, that Mom or Dad choose an abusive or neglectful partner and so this whole...I am of no worth, I don't deserve love, I am unhappy is being transmitted from her parents to her.
She has already sacrificed her virginity-self sabotage- and has already begun the whole pattern that was taught to her by her parents.
She has grown up in a home where she has become desensitized to a young man's abuse in that it is "acceptable".
Add to that she is female and thus us women tend to want to nurture and protect and with this, we take on MORE of the blame or responsibility of he is this way to me because I am not good enough and I only need to be more loving or I only need to put up with it and then he will change.
It's a horrible pattern and way of thinking and living to be caught up in.
And she will feel the weight of her "sin" but because she is already used to pain and how magnified her faults and mistakes become-she definitely needs counselling as well as rely on the Lord to help her heal,forgive, and love herself.
This is her responsibility and her choice. She has to want to get better and stronger. She has to trust in the Lord to repent.
She also has to seek counselling be it through the church she attends or through school or a local group.
It is good she has a trusted friend who wants her to be happy and has no hidden agenda.
Best Wishes.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (11 March 2007): I very much doubt her low self-esteem comes from her loosing her virginity. This girls lack of respect for herself runs much deeper. Whilst religious beliefs can be important to people, they should not caused the amount of pain this girl seems to be going through, it sounds like her loosing her virginity has acted as more of a catalyst rather than being an actual cause of her issue.
You sound like someone who wants to care for this girl, however, the best position for you is to just support her when she needs it.
The best thing she can do is speak to a church leader or someone who can offer her spiritual guidance and a councillor for her emotional problems.
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A
female
reader, rhosyn  +, writes (11 March 2007):
She should confess to Jesus and then she will feel better, she will need to pray for strength and forgiveness but although it won't be a quick process it will let her get her self respect back. She should be encouraged to speak to someone at her church and then she will get the right advice. As for her crappy boyfriend just because he is a virgin doesn't make him perfect and if he is a Christian he will know that nobody is perfect or deserves to be treated badly, maybe she should be reminded of this. Good luck if she won't speak to her church maybe you could?
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A
female
reader, Jadzia1127  +, writes (19 September 2006):
 Her being a christian makes a huge difference how she deals with losing her virginity.
She will need to clear her conscience and lay her burden on the lord, first by praying for the strength and reading scriptures, then by confessing her sins to the proper clergy. If any compensation is needed to make up for the sin, such as a sullied reputation hopefully the clergy will point her in the right direction. After that then she endures to the end choosing the right, leading the life she should.
When she goes through the entire repentance process then she will be able to walk away clean in the eyes of the lord. If she has already done this and still is beating herself up and just point out that 'God has forgiven her, Satan is the one that doesn't want her to forgive herself'.
It is hard being Christian in this world. To a Christian sex is not a right of passage or a coming of age.It is a piece of their soul tossed away when virginity is given to a mere boyfriend.
She needs friends to encourage her to get the help she needs so she can come back from the dark place she has put herself.
GOOD LUCK!
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A
female
reader, Toria +, writes (19 September 2006):
 All you can do is be there for her as and when she needs you, people have to realise these things themselves but you can try talking to her and telling her that things happen for a reason and that doesn't make her a bad person it only makes her human! We all act in the situations that are thrown in our paths and none of us are the same therefore we don't deal with things the same.
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