A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:Hi there, my best friend since high school is a serial dater/serial I need to be in a relationship kind of girl. She has been in a relationship ever since she left for college. Ever since she went off to college she has been hanging around people that aren't good for her and she is really messing up her life. In high school before all this though, she was obsessed with the idea of having a man in her life to take care of her and rescue her. She dropped out of the first college, why because she was either drinking, doing drugs, hanging with friends or being with bunch of guys. In one school year she dated/flirted with over 30 guys. She tries a community college and hangs out with the wrong people again. She stays single for a month before she finds more guys. The end of the first semester she fails her classes and she doesn't go back to school. She has been in 5 relationships (up to this point) where the guy was really bad for her. Has been in many where the guy was a loser (I'm talking no goals, dreams, ambitions, and just plain whiny) and has been with others that just make you look like this O_OMy friend is not stupid, she is smart. She was abused by her father in multiple ways and as a result she is almost trying to find a man to make her feel better as a result. Subconsciously she believes that a man will complete her and make everything all right. After one of the last relationships though she said she was going to stay away from men and not keep picking the same kind of lazy, crazy, controlling drug induced men. Hearing this made me believe there was some hope yet.She had moved away from this state and went north. She found a job, was saving money for college, getting things for herself (car, computer, cell phone, clothes, etc). Becoming independent and she was happy, I could not have been more happier for her. Then after 3-4 months she met another guy online. You can imagine my entire being sunk to the ground and I thought "Oh shit."Soon after 2 months she starts seeing him. After 4 months she quits her job and moves in with him. She tries going to college and again drops out of classes because she can't focus on nothing but her boyfriend. They have been engaged for 7 months now. He proposed 2-3 months after she moved in. It's a nightmare! He has gotten into trouble for drugs . He only found a job recently, I have no idea what that is and its a mess and I just don't trust the whole situation.I'm sorry this is so long but I'm trying to explain how desperate the situation is (this is the summary too, imagine if I told you all the details) and I need to find a way to help her figure out that she needs to be independent and on her own to take care of herself and find herself.She is a great person, she doesn't need a man. She really needs to be on her own and find herself before she commits to a man like this. How do I tell her that she needs to gain confidence, self-esteem, and be on her own without telling her outright? I have had this conversation before where I did tell her outright and she heard me, but didn't listen. I need to help her "find out the information for herself" without her realizing I'm helping her and telling her. I know this sounds crazy, I'm just trying to find a way to help my best friend. She has never been single for more then 2-3 months. She needs a break, she needs to be a single strong woman. Please help me help her! It's so hard cause she lives in another state and I can't afford to get a plane ticket or drive to see her. We talk on the phone and etc.
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
male
reader, rcn +, writes (8 July 2011):
 Do you think people need to be single for a long time, or if someone good came along, would it be alright to date, or should the other pass up on the possibility of being happy, because you say they haven't been single long enough.
However, I do agree with you. I just wanted you to see that it's not necessarily the length someone is single that is at issue. The issue here is her low self worth, therefore being with guys who are also of low self worth.
Unfortunately, with your being her best friend. She's not going to listen. This is because, she can only see life and her experience to the limited extent that her self esteem allows her to. You can tell her and tell her and it'll go in one ear and out the other. In this situation, you'll have to be the fall girl. The one who pics her up when she falls on her rear. When you do, it's time to look at her, where she's at, what caused it and what can be done about it.
She will not want to self reflect while in a relationship, but when not, she'd be more willing to see herself from a different angle. I'd use those times, or times you calls you because he's done something that hurts her. It's those times that you can use to begin winning her over to your side.
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