A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:This is a question concerning my best friend from school. She is 27 years old and was very "normal"...good at studies, we spent time together, had crushes...the works. I left my hometown a few yrs back to pursue higher studies, and I dont get to see her that often, but I really want to help her out of this bizarre situation.So here goes..A few yrs back, she was in love with a total creep, who she used to talk with over the phone. They just had telephonic conversations for a few days, and then this guy moved away and gave her phone number to a friend of his, and thats where the problem started. She claimed to have fallen in love again, with this new guy. They were physically involved,and she started asking him to marry her. He dumped her at once and asked her to F*#k off and she was really depressed. If this wasn't enough, a friend of this guy's got the lead that my friend was the "available" sorts, and he gave her a shoulder to cry on. She was in "love" again...the pathetic chain continued, she got dumped YET again, and now she's havin a continous chain of disastrous relationships and each one of them is a failure.Now she is probably on the verge of another break-up! Its like she almost offers herself to these men!! She doesnt even mind getting physical anymore,and I heard from a mutual friend that she talks dirty with random guys at night, and yet on the surface, she behaves like nothing is wrong!! Its almost become a joke and she doesnt seem to think there is a problem!! i JUST dont get it!!!Its a clear thing that all these guys are just using her and she seems to enjoy these self destructive relationships.At this age when people generally like to settle down in life,she is still so wayward.She has nobody in her family to guide her or to talk to,so she thinks whatever she's doing is right. Her dad is a raging alcoholic and her mom doesnt have a say in anything. The family is basically in shambles.She is gradually turning into a prostitute and i feel so helpless seeing all this in front of me, and yet not being able to do anything. Iv tried talking to her a million times about this, but she evades the topic and actually defends these scoundrels, and believes they are good!! How can somebody be in "love" so many times like this, get jilted and yet not see it?? Does she like being used? What is wrong with her and can I do anything to help her? Is this a disorder?
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female
reader, Gabrielle Stoker  +, writes (14 October 2010):
 Sometimes you just have to keep trying and hope for a response. What you're describing is fairly typical in such cases I think. And I think a few concessions may be made - if your boyfriend can't stand her maybe she's had those negative vibes and might think it would be awkward to attend his party. I guess we'll never know. I think I'd just suggest not giving up.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (11 October 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHi everyone...some feedback..
I have really busy with my PhD work lately, so i hadnt had much time to socialize with my friend. (Im going to call her Erica) However. i did meet her a couple of times and i heard she'd broken up with the last one. She seemed ok..not even disturbed by the break-up, so i didnt push it either
it was my boyfriends birthday on the 8th of Oct, and we decided to have a big party. Although he cant really stand Erica, he himself said we should call her, which was really nice of him, because it was Erica's birthday a month back, and she hadnt asked any of us to come out with her, she told me her then "boyfriend" insisted they go out just with each other. Iv been listening to this for the past 5 yrs now..every year there's just Erica and a new guy on her b.day. Anyway.
So my boyfriend personally gave her a call and invited her out for lunch on his birthday, to a really nice, cozy restaurant. He also told me that since Erica might feel left out, he could invite another not-so-close friend of his(whom Erica has had a crush on forever, and she had also sent him a friend request on facebook, which he accepted). When he called her up, she said she would try to come. Meanwhile Erica asked me who all wud be coming, so i told her...jsut some old friends...mostly people we all knew.
On his birthday, there was no news of her, I didnt even know if she would be coming, and the table was already booked, so I sent her a message asking her if she wud come or not. She replied 2 hrs later saying she was busy, and might not make it. I was really irritated, becoz here we were, trying to be nice to someone who frankly doesnt deserve a damn. Anyway,I called her after that, and she said that she wud "try" to come (She's a kindergarten teacher, and her school gets over early, so i know for a fact she wasnt busy).
We were really pissed, so we didnt follow up any more. We went out and partied and it was a lot of fun. Meanwhile she hadnt even bothered to wish my bf happy birthday. Later that night, she called him, but he didnt answer the phone, so she just messaged him Happy B.Day. Thats it. then she tried calling me but I was in no mood to talk either.
What do you aunts think is wrong with this girl?? Is she trying to avoid us? Why?? Is this some complex that she has or what? I just dont get it!! I mean here we are, trying to do all we can, and she behaves like this!! Its almost as if she likes getting kicked around so much, she cant stand good treatment from anyone!!
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reader, anonymous, writes (11 September 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionYeah..its a tough battle...but il see what I can do.Thanks guys...for being so supportive. The thing is (and I'm sure you wud all agree), nobody can help her unless she helps herself.Il keep you guys updated...its not going to be easy to deal with this myself. Will need a LOT of help! Thanks again!!
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A
female
reader, Miamine  +, writes (10 September 2010):
 Spot on Jonas and aunts... try building her another world, where love, fun and acceptance isn't built on sex or money... It needs to be a wider circle than just you and your boyfriend, that will make her feel low and increase her jealousy and insecurity...Is there anything else you two, with other girls, or maybe a group of mixed guys,girls, couples and singles can do together.It sounds silly, but something as simple as a bus ride, ice-skating, or a boat ride can refresh and make her see things anew. It may not work at first, but if you do a couple of fun things during the year, maybe she will start to see that there is more to life than just stroking some unworthy guy's ego.It's so unfair, that you have so much responsibility of saving this woman from herself. She is lucky to have you.
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female
reader, Miamine +, writes (9 September 2010):
Push her towards getting some counselling, your friend is very lost.
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reader, anonymous, writes (9 September 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionJonas you're good!!!What you mentioned, has also happened...she has caught these guys blatantly cheating on her and forgiven them!! This one time when she was at my place, she used my laptop to access some social networking account of her then boyfriend's, and he was flirting big-time with a couple of woman. My friend just lost it, she called him up, screamed at him, and he was so cool and unapologetic about it...he was like "Ok..break-up with me then".
You wouldn't believe it, it was so scary, she just started trembling uncontrollably, and crying and literally started begging him not to leave her!! I just didn't know what to do!!
Her current "boyfriend" talks about his sexual conquests with his ex, and the fact that he still meets her, and my friend screams at him, and then seems to forget everything and just begs him not to leave her!!
I guess its a no-win situation either way. She wont get out of this, and probably I cant even do anything to help her.
Thanks again guys...and feedback is always appreciated. Thanks.
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A
female
reader, Miamine +, writes (8 September 2010):
Poor girl... you can't do any more than your doing, and you seem a very caring friend, even taking on board some of what we are saying.
She's very low in self-esteem.... maybe you could try another trick... ignore the men and the bad place she's in. Try to concentrate on finding positives and reminding her of that. Tell her she's beautiful and intelligent and try to get her to see herself differently. That sometimes work..
But whatever you do, this girl is damaged and it will be hard to help her out. Another man, even if he's prince charming is the last thing she needs. She needs to start becoming a strong woman for herself. You might not be the friend that is able to help her with this, because your life has gone well and it's easier for you to get healthy happiness..
I feel sorry for her...
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reader, anonymous, writes (8 September 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI would also like to add something that jonas has very correctly observed ... She actually spends money on these guys to make sure they stay close to her. Whenever she goes out with them, its she who does the paying. It was her birthday a few days back, and instead of these boys gifting her anything, it was almost the other way round. She had been saving up for months so that she could take them out for lunches/dinners, and thats what she did.
Whenever we go out shopping, she ends up buying clothes for the latest "boyfriend". And these boys laugh at her behind her back and objectify her and her phone number is passed around for anyone interested in dirty talk.
Im sorry if Im coming across as judgmental, but this is something that really bothers me a lot. Anyway, thanks again for all the posts and let me know what you think...
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reader, anonymous, writes (8 September 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you all for your insights. I realize now that I might be going about this the wrong way.Iv tried talking to her, but somehow Im always the bad guy...she just doesnt seem to relate to what I say. I have a boyfriend who's my high school sweetheart and he completely adores me, so I think at some level she thinks that I have it all, and I dont want her to be happy or something!But thats not true. I dont want to come across as a bitch to her, I always invite her to join me on weekends when Im with my boyfriend (so that she doesnt feel left out) but she somehow almost never comes. She would rather be with a bunch of random guys, and its like she prefers their company to mine.
@Miamine...Iv tried my best to talk it out with her and Iv told her that she doesnt deserve any of this shit, but she just nods her head and says that she'l take care of herself. But she never does.
But I do agree with all of you, maybe the comparisons between us are too stark and she feels I look down upon her. Im not judgmental, but maybe I come across as one when I talk to her. Il try to just be there for her and see how it goes.
Thank you all so much again...and please keep the posts coming...thanks again!!
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male
reader, Bobito +, writes (8 September 2010):
 Hey, honey. Don't you think you're getting a bit judgemental (albeit unconsciously), here? Prostitute is a very strong word.
There is nothing you can do, here. Just be there for her when and if she asks for help.
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A
female
reader, Gabrielle Stoker +, writes (8 September 2010):
@Cerberus I agree, it's not something I consider likely either. More of the "If I hit random keys on my keyboard I may eventually type out a coherent sentence" kind of chance.
Miamine has hit the nail on the head though. To help this girl, it's imperative that her friend stops judging her - at least overtly. Until you understand why she's doing what she is - and based on your question it looks like a desperate search for stability in a life where so little is - you won't be able to help her.
OP, you're a good sort to care. Be there for her, be her friend - show her she doesn't have to throw herself at a person to earn that person's love and support. IF she understands that, there's hope.
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reader, anonymous, writes (8 September 2010): You have to ride it out and let her do what she's doing and just help her pick up the pieces. She's gotten into the nasty habit of turning to a new guy for the love and attention she craves once she's lost it from the last guy.
Sure they're all nice guys and she'll defend them, every guy is an absolute angel to begin with. Especially with a girl that is 'easy' like your friend has become (no offence, i don't like that term either) Look even the biggest of assholes can be nice for a little while to get what he wants, they obviously promise her the world and tell her what she wants to hear. I've seen people go through this lots of times both guys and girls and it always happens the same way. You really can't do anything, you just have to let her burn this out on her own. She'll either come to the realization that she doesn't need men to be happy or she'll just become so jaded she has no interest in guys anymore. That's when her healing will begin.
Just be there for her and wait and hope she figures this out sooner rather later.
On a point that Gabrielle made, she's not gonna find that genuine guy while she's like this.
No offence to your friend, but no genuine guy is going to let himself fall in love with a girl that's so easy, needy, clingy, falls in love at the drop of a hat and has so much emotional baggage. The only guys she'll find are users that are heartless enough to just throw her away once they've filled their needs, I hate to put it this way but she's just too much work for any kind of serious relationship. It's possible at least some of these guys were genuine but just became overwhelmed and had to leave. Genuine guys go for genuine girls that are emotionally balanced because frankly girls like your friend are a whole world of hurt waiting to happen. Plus it can be really hard for guys to accept that she so openly allows herself to be used like that. Look at how many guys come to this site that just can't get over their partners past sexual exploits.
While I'd love to believe that she'll eventually find some guy randomly that sticks by her and helps her through this and becomes the one, I know that's just a fantasy. No guy can fill the void she wants them to. Only she can do that and until she does she's only going to know misery with these guys. Because as much as I hate to say it while she's like this she's just not relationship material. Desperate is not what any nice guy wants in a woman.
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A
female
reader, Gabrielle Stoker +, writes (8 September 2010):
Well she isn't turning into a prostitute as long as she isn't asking for money, so that's a rather misleading title. I'd say it's something even worse - the love junkie who craves affection so much that any man can have his way with her.
It's tragic but there's nothing you CAN do beyond talking to her, is there? Unless you have the guts to confront the men who are using her, what else is there? The only way out for this poor girl will be if she actually finds a genuine guy who loves her.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (8 September 2010): I think the real problem is how she was treated in the first place- it destroyed her self esteem. She now believes she is worth nothing more than what she can give physically, which is horribly depressing.. But mistreatment can lead to that. Try and convince her to take a step back, because she really needs to learn to love and respect herself again so that she can decipher the scum from the true guys, and once she gets a true guy you will see her do a complete 180. She will find out she deserves much more than what she thought she did.
I had a friend like this who thought guys would only care about her if she acted "slutty" and "easy" because of how she was treated in her first few serious relationships. She honestly thought no one would care for her any other way. She will need to face this problem first, and once she does, she will get out of this self destructive pattern those men put her in to.
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female
reader, Miamine +, writes (8 September 2010):
"Prostitute" that's a strong word to use. Is your friend asking for money in exchange for sex?
The terms you use, "Joke", "prostitute", "other people.. settle down", "family.. shambles"... you don't see her as an equal, and that might be why it's difficult for you to get through to her.
Tons of women have sex with many men, they enjoy it and don't see anything wrong. However, your friend seems to be confusing love with sex, and doesn't seem to see the destructive pattern she's repeating.
It's difficult for her to listen to you, she probably feels she has more in common with these men. They don't suggest she's a "prostitute" for having many partners. They probably don't make her feel abnormal because she hasn't settled down, got married and got herself some kids.
Yes, she has problems. She's using sex and hoping for love. But to help someone, you first have to understand their mindset and where they are coming from. As you have said, you don't get it. So your advice is from somebody in a "superior" position, telling someone "inferior" they need to become more like you, because who they are and what they do is wrong. People reject advice when they feel people are looking down on them.
Me and my girlfriends have always been in agreement. You can sleep with the whole world, screw 20men in an orgy if you want to. However you need to know what you are doing. You need to have pride in your choices in life and not be used by people who will laugh at you. Your friend isn't doing this, and therefore her lifestyle is hurting her.
I had a friend that went wild. All of a sudden she had a lot of partners. (I didn't care about that) What I did care about is the amount of disrespect she was accepting. Allowing men to have sex with her in embarrassing places, having sex and then avoiding her afterwards, controlling her instead of her controlling herself.
A quick word to highlight how far she dropped in her own value system was more than enough for her to re-evaluate her life. She proudly stated, "yep, I'm going wrong, but if feels good for now and that's what I need". As a friend, I stood by her during this wild phase. Highlighted gently how much emotional pain she was dealing with, and how this would be psychologically damaging her in the future. However it was what she needed, and since she'd been a good girl all her life, I could understand.
It didn't take very long, for her to examine her life herself, and decide to change and forget about men altogether. Luckily it didn't go on for very long, and me and her other friends had made her aware that she had consciously made these bad choices. Thus no long term emotional damage was done, and she regained her pride and value system very quickly.
You do better giving advice, when you are not judging people for the way they feel they need to act. She is not you, so the fact that "everyone else is settling down", is not the type of advice your friend needs to hear.
Be a friend, be there, be gentle, and carefully suggest that she's accepting a lot more pain and hurt than any woman deserves. If she feels her friends reject her or judge her, she has no reason not to cling to these men who make promises to love her for the way she is.
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