A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Well, this post is about my friend/co worker. I have been very close to her and share most of the fun she is into. She is younger than me and is very beautiful, most men who see her would always second glance at her. She is almost perfect. And life is doing great with her.But behind all great things about her is something not everyone knows. As we both work out of the country, she tells everyone she is single. But she is not, she has a husband and kids in our home country.Yet, in our entire time together..all she cares about is her boyfriend here whom she breaks up with on a weekly basis. Every time we see each other, he's the topic. She is basically cheating on her husband but with her, it seems like it's natural to find a lover here and thinks it is cool. She rarely mentions her kids. When she goes online, she stalks her boyfriend and spies on his facebook using my account. She is so crazy about him and thinks he is cheating on her while forgetting that she's cheating on her husband. Many times her work is jeopardized when they fight but luckily, I can cover up for her. Her lifestyle is expensive and she spends so much on trips, clothes, house, gadgets etc. She met a rich old professor a year ago and thats where she gets her money. A mutual friend of ours is also friends with this guy and the guy claims he's been giving her money since before. He said she pities her as she has a family and she earns just enough. This rich guy is in the US now and doesn't know what is happening here.Other than that, she only cares about herself. All she does in her facebook is upload sexy pics of her. She has 300 friends yet her husband is not one of them. She even made a fake account so she can speak to her ex whom she knew before this current one, also in this country. On week ends, if not with her bf...she is with me and we just drive around the city until dawn. Then we drive around his place to check if he is home or is lying to her. Sometimes, she gambles with her other friends. I like her a lot as she is a great friend and fun to be with. But I wonder when will this end? I care about her and i don't want her to get hurt in the future with all these things she is doing. She is very emotional and gets crazy at times. I am also concerned about her husband and kids. They have no idea what she's doing here. We have tried to discuss about this before but it seems like her family is the last thing on her mind as she speaks of them with lack of emotion as compared to when we talk about her boyfriend.Opinions/advise pls?
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male
reader, Jmtmj  +, writes (23 September 2009):
 You cant do a damn thing. I'm 99% sure if you try talking to her about it she'll either get angry and defensive or just shrug it off and not take it seriously. She is totally self-absorbed and I feel sorry for her family. It sounds totally wrong but hell, I'll say it... find a way to show her husband evidence of her cheating ways annonymously. The only chance of her listening and changing her ways is if she realises shes been caught, because it sounds like she's gotten away with everything in life and doesnt understand the meaning of the word "consequence". If he leaves her cos of it then fantastic, this woman may be beautiful, but inside she sounds ugly as hell.
Best of luck.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (23 September 2009): Well, thanks sooo much for the replies.
Really, I am just not saying anything about this situation for now because a few months ago, we had a very serious fight about this and she was very angry with me. I had failed to defend her from her boyfriend and I told her that I don't want to involve myself as I know she is married. I don't want to support her on this. She said she expects me to take her side but it doesn't mean I can mind over her business of being married back home. She said it's her life. We actually got estranged from each other for a couple of months but as we work together, we can't resist talking again.
Lately she told me she noticed I am distancing myself from her. And she said it was wrong that I knew stuff about her so she resorted to befriending other girls who don't have any single idea about her life. That way, she said..she can hang out and wont have to worry what others think of her. Her motto: the less they know about you, the better.
I guess she's just looking for some company..fake friends i guess. But I am not like that. I have asked her a million times to come to church with me. It is also one reason why I drive around town with her coz I am only for clean fun. Stalking her ex and current boyfriend at dawn I consent to as I feel this is better than her ending up in bed with him if I am not around to keep her company. It's lesser evil.
The bottom line of this is...the few of us who knows her real situation thinks she's a whore and that they dont care if she goes to hell. So they tell me not to bother myself about it which I know is true. And yet I am bothered. To be honest, when our other friends laugh about sex topics with her...I don't find it amusing anymore as she brags about doing this with her bf and we know she is married. When we get to that topic, I just divert it. It feels like we are all consenting to her actions.
Lastly, her marriage wasn't a fixed marriage as we call. She married when she was 19 as she eloped with her now husband. She sometimes brags to me that she stole her husband before from another girl.
I do remind her or hint her from time to time about her messy situation but she just shrugs her shoulders. She said she knows it and she is working on it but it doesn't seem to be.
I have to say, she really is a great friend to me and not the whole of her is bad. But I wish I could find a way to help her straighten her life. As a friend, i feel responsible to God in some way that I should lead my friend to a better path and make her realize that she's not doing it right. I pity the kids most. If they ever knew what their mom is up to here..I don't know if they will be proud of her. They are girls age 8 and 6.
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A
female
reader, bitterblue  +, writes (23 September 2009):
 If I were you I'd be a little scared. These people that display lack of remorse are dangerous. She doesn't seem to feel remorse for what she is doing: doesn't seem to miss her children, sleeps with an old man for money, cheats and lies, is promiscuous, gambles. What kind of impact does she have on you? Or should I say, to what extent do you let yourself be influenced by her? What are you doing driving around with her until dawn? I'd be scared. You are spending too much time in this lady's company. I doubt she will listen to you, she is too wrapped up in herself, but if you want to try, be my guest. Then she will be able to blame it on you if her husband finds out and make a scene at your work place and have you both fired. Sorry, these people can only drag one down. As you see I tend to also think of the bad scenarios. Take care of yourself and be careful who you are friends with. Someone who "only cares about herself" doesn't sound the best of friends even if "she is fun" as you say. All the best.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (23 September 2009): Hi
Well, I think that your friend thinks that in another country maybe she can create a whole new identity about herself. However, if that is indeed the case, and if she doesn't want anything to do with her former life, then why does she depend on the financial aid of someone? ANd why does she keep stalking her new boyfriend. All this of course puts you in a very unpleasant situation. When you go back, of course it will be you who must answer all the questions regarding her, right?
Well, first you need to have an honest chat with her. I do not think that anyone can be so insensitive, especially about their children (if not husband). So, one day, at a private place, ask her very tactfully about her future plans. If she plans on staying here permanently, then she needs to seek a divorce. Also, tell her that unless she comes clean about her life, she will be nothing but a liar, specially to her boyfriend whom she spends so much time and attention on.
You have to be very tactful when you do this. Of course, as you have helped her all along, so it is right that you ask her all this. Take care that you don't sound judgmental. Maybe she is simply someone who likes a lot of attention. Anyway, I think that you need to come clean to her and remind her how she is confusing and complicating the situation. And just how many people her behavior might hurt. Also, tell her to stop stalking her boyfriend. As for her extravagance, tell her that she cannot afford her lifestyle and that it is harmful... don't question her source. If she hasn't told you yet...don't ask. But of course, you must not preach to her. Just talk and let her know that you have her interests at your heart.
However, if things do get ugly, then my personal advice to you will be to stay a little disconnected from her. She sounds selfish and thoughtless, if not manipulative. And as you are here to earn for your family, so do not put your future in line for her. (as i don't think that she would do the same for you). So, take care of your friend, talk to her and try to help her out. But if she doesn't need or appreciate your help then don't get too involved. Sometimes, people need to learn their lessons the hard way and on their own.
Take care
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (23 September 2009): This is a tricky situation, and by what you've said, she appears to have no guilt/remorse for cheating on her husband. I don't know if you or her are religious, if so, was it an arranged marriage? That doesn't excuse her cheating but it could be a reason. Perhaps she isn't/wasn't happy with her life with them back home, and saw getting a job abroad the only escape, so she can live the life she wanted. Even if it wasn't an arranged marriage, and she's not a religious, this may still apply. If she is young then I can only assume that she hasn't been married long and her kids are very young.
I think you need to sit down and talk to her about it, when you're not busy, not with other people, and when she's NOT talking about this other boyfriend. Tell her you aren't here to judge her, or give her options, but ask her how she really feels about cheating on her husband. How she really feels/felt about the life she has in another country. You can say that you think it's unfair for her to lead a double life, and if she doesn't want to be in the marriage, perhaps she should leave. She may open up, and tell you how she feels about it, or she may keep things bottled up. Either way, let her know that it's up to her what she does, but again, that it isn't fair on anyone to keep doing this, especially the husband/kids/boyfriend. She may not talk much about them but I bet it's on her mind every single day.
If you feel guilty too for helping to cover up for her, then if you want to stop, then tell her you don't think it's right and don't cover for her anymore. She'll be angry, and if she decides not to bother talking to you anymore because of that, then you know she isn't a true friend and was taking you for granted.
If she isn't going to talk about it or change anything, then all you can do is be there for her when it all goes wrong, because she will get caught out eventually. As I say, you can only talk to her and try to get her to open up. If not, then leave it but don't continue to be a part of it, because interfering any more will make things worse.
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