| A
female
,
*mandaprice3
writes: hello again,my friend is head over heals for a bloke who is an alcaholic,he declares his undying love for her then will not phone or visit her.she realizes that she should not expect to much from him as he obviously has big issues of his own,but this has been going on for years and we talk about it every day.he says he wants to sort himself out but somehow this never happens.the answer seems obvious to this question really as she has a two year old son and has her hands full.i have give her all the advice i can but now need an outside opinion.this has been going on to long now.could he change?he has very low self esteem.and no support.he is a really nice bloke otherwize.can u help please x
View related questions:
alcoholic, self esteem Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
reader, anonymous, writes (10 May 2006): Your friend is considering a serious relationship with an alcoholic and as her friend, you are right to concerned about her poor life choice. The blunt truth is that he is an alcoholic and she should grab her child, and be high-tailing it in the opposite direction. Does she really want to deal with all the constant turmoil, the anxieties and emotional stress that will continually occur in a relationship to an alcoholic? Not to mention the poor example this will be for her child. This is my biggest concern. One would think with a child, she would make the most apporpriate, healthiest choice for own child's safety and well-being. This child's biological father needs to know what is going on, if he is a big part of this child's life.
She's obviously in the throes of 'new love', but she also is getting a taste of what is to come and will worsen over time. She is being emotionally set aside and neglected because of his bottle. She is having a relationship with a man who offers her or her child, no future. This means she's let down her emotional boundaries. She needs some perspective. She's doing something most of us women would never volunteer to do. It sounds like your friend is settling for 'whomever' and may be afraid to be alone and suffers from low self-esteem. She needs to be reminded that feelings are fleeting and change depending on one's emotional states. She needs to learn to use her brain and discern what serious implications that can occur should she continue a relationship with a man who abuses alcohol. There are so many men/women who's lives have blown up all because they followed a feeling and didn't use their heads, first.
Sadly, you may not be able to do anything. All you can do is talk to her (not argue)..just try to reason with her. But I would suggest to her that she join an Alanon support group to learn what she's getting herself in for, down the road. Could you go with her as an act of support and genuine friendship. It sounds like she needs a good friend like you. Alanon group meetings may open her eyes. Also, she should be negotiating a boundry with this man that they remain separated (just date/no living together) until he is solidly in counseling and treatment for his alcoholism. By doing this, she is clearly stating to him that she won't settle for being 'second best' to a bottle and she deserves the best for her and her child. . I hope and pray she will make the best, most mature, most loving decisions for herself and this child.
A
female
reader, carebear  +, writes (10 May 2006):
 All of the above answers are true with 1 thing in common the drink always wins, the damage cannot be repaired your friend will want to help. but it will be at the expence of herself & her son. I to was with a partner for 18 yrs with a drink problem, I to thought if I gave ultimatioms it would change it didn't then I changed tactits & and sypathised with him it still did not change. I do not drink at all & he met up with a barmaid had an affair I found out about it it ruined our lifes including our daughters, we split I still tryed to help him as his drinking got alot worse but to no avail your friend can only take so much like tthe rest of us no matter how much she loves him he will need to sort this out by himself,if he does not the I am afaid your friend may have to accept him like this or walk away. I know it's hard but it's the only truthful answer having been there myself.
take Care
...............................
A
female
reader, Aunt Ivy +, writes (10 May 2006):
Dear Amanda, I had a relative who died through the abuse of drink so I understand your concerns for your friend. There is help and support for alcoholics, but the biggest problem is getting the person to accept that he has a problem and then getting him to accept the help and advise. Unfortunately, he is the only one that can do that.
I can well understand your friends dilema, but at the end of the day she has a young son to consider in this.
She should to offer to help and support to him if he accepts that he has a problem and is willing to do something about it. If he isn't willing to do that, and I know it isn't easy, she should put her son and herself first and get out of the situation.
You or your friend could also contact 'Alcoholics Anonymous' who would be happy to help!
I hope that this helps, Good Luck I know it isn't easy!
...............................
A
female
reader, willywombat +, writes (10 May 2006):
 You address several issues here. I have a lot of understanding and personal experience of trying to help family members who have been alcoholics - in two cases with little sucess. So I shall let you into a secret - you cannot help somebody unless they want to be helped, this will probably not be news to you, but I think we get so wrapped up in the other person's problems we fail to see when their problems start to swamp ours and take over our life.
Has this guy actually ADMITTED to you and himself that he has a problem with alcohol? If not that is the first step on the road to recovery, actually admitting you have a problem and wanting to do something about it. I suggest if he hasn't you need to confront him. Do this in as down-to-earth, matter-of-fact way as you can. If he will not admit it, or he dismisses your concerns he is not ready to face up to his addiction. If he admits it you can start to see about helping him get professional help. Coming off alcohol is not as easy as going *cold turkey*. There are many physical issues that also need to be addressed and if he has been abusing large amounts of alcohol or over a long period of time he will need medical support and maybe intervention.
I think what I am trying to say in answer to this question is - this has to come from him initially. HE has to admit this problem and he ahs to make the overtures to go to his GP for help. Whilst your friend continues to support him she is *allowing* him to continue with this behaviour because she has not shown him the strength of her feelings and how distasteful she finds it. She must thoug, if she embarks on a course to follow, then follow through with any ultimatums she gives him. She must be strong and help out herself and her child first.
Good luck.
xx
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (10 May 2006): HiI was married for 20 years to a man who for the last 5 years of our marriage was an alcoholic, he changed dramatically during this time becoming unreliable, a poor dad to our children ,he left his job but I stuck by him through thick and thin he lost his perpective of what was important in life because the drink became the most important thing. Alcoholics will not change unless they get professional help, they do not have the capacity to see what they are doing to themselves and the people around them, I thought I could help him that If I said or did the right thing he would change , he said he loved me too and am sure he does , but the thanks I got ....He divorced me to ultimately I think to drink more, please wake up, the best thing you can do is to help him to get professional help!!
...............................
|
