A
female
age
41-50,
*xxallibabesxxx
writes:I have got a 17 year old male friend that comes to me for advice, I am older than him and have lived my life somewhat!! He has announced that he thinks he is gay and that he wants to start a relationship with a man he knows. But he is freaking out about what people will think of him, i have tried to calm him down, is there any links i can forward to my dear friend with regards to coming out, and first time sexual experiences please!! i am out of my depth herethank you xx Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
reader, anonymous, writes (14 July 2008): I'm a gay boy and one thing that I know is that he is in a very stressful sit. right now. Not knowing ur sexual orientation, thinking ur gay, can b worse than being certain. U sound like a good friend and you need to b there 4 him if he does realize he is gay and comes out. Coming out can be a dangerous time 4 the kid if he feels ostracized. Gay teens have extremely high suicide rates. Let him know that he is loved and that somone cares 4 him. I can't give you a site to help him but a school therapist is always a good help.
A
male
reader, ukmatt +, writes (11 April 2007):
 Hey There,
To kick things off, Can I say that it's obvious you're a true friend to your worry-stricken friend, and admitting you're out of your depth is as equally positive. All too often, people attempt to guide and counsel without having a clue what they're going on about, so it's good that you're holding your hands up and saying "Help!".
Without doubt, your friend has had a colossal amount to deal with lately; mentally, physically and emotionally, he probably feels like he's just done ten rounds in a boxing ring. It's only natural that he feels that he's 'freaking out'; don't forget that he's admitted something to himself that, in all probability, goes against the orthodox that he was witness to when he was growing up. Imagine it as though he was scared of water; paddling in the shallow end of a pool is daunting but managable: Jumping in at the deep end is more horrific. There's water all around, he can't feel the floor, and feels as though he's drowning: The solution to the problem: if he relaxes his body, he will float to the surface. The outcome for your friend's situation is similar. If he struggles, panics and fights for air, he won't get anywhere fast, but if he's calm, in control and assured that he'll reach where he wants to be: the surface.
'Coming Out' is different for each person. Indeed, we all go through the same scenarios. We don't want to be gay, we pretend to be 'straight', and then finally tell our reflections in the mirror that we like people of the same sex. We then bite the bullet and go for it, and each person's experiences and reactions of people they know, differ.
I think that it's important that you assure your friend that being gay is normal. Admittedly, gay liberation is a tiny subculture at the moment, but one gaining more stance. Coming out, unfortunately is something that he has to come to terms with alone. Do not misunderstand me, I'm not saying don't be there for him, (as friendships and reassurance are a big help, and definately need to be present), But he needs to find peace and comfort within himself before he can have the confidence to publically come out. Half of the battle is him coming to terms with it himself.
Once he has, 'going public' is the next step under the 'umbrella expression' of coming out. Different people will react differently. Some will be happy for him, others will be excited, and others may not know how to react. It's not unusual for parents to recall feeling a sense of loss; don't let this discourage him. They're naturally going to feel this way, as they have, in effect, lost the son that they thought they 'knew'; put a positive spin on this though: they've also gained a happier, more fulfilled son. There again, other parents are relieved that they've been told, as they had guessed it months if not years before. (Call it parent's intuition if you may). I wouldn't say that the family are the first port of call here; it could be his circle of friends, a teacher etc. The important thing is that you are there for him, to reassure and guide.
The relationship with this other man, could prove more problematic. Don't feel excluded by this possibly impending relationship; he needs you then more than ever. Be sure that he isn't feeling pressured by this other person, who, may well have been out for much longer, and therefore has more confidence. Once again it comes back down to reassurance, support and encouragement.
Providing that he is Proud of who is (which does not always come naturally and may take months or even years to feel), and feels comfortable then just be the little bird on his shoulder, forever ready to sing him a song of encouragement.
Here are some websites that may help him a little more, and feel free to drop me a message anytime:
www.gmhp.demon.co.uk , www.outproud.org (useful as there's a parent's section as well that may help his parents once he's told them.
Above all, wish him luck, and let him know that rather than being scared, he should be embracing this exciting moment in his life!
All the best, Matt
...............................
A
female
reader, chrissy32789  +, writes (23 March 2007):
 Dear xxxallibabesxxx,I am a 17 yr old female and i have been bisexual since i was 13, There are a few things your friend can do 1, hide it from everyone and not be happy with the way his is, and not beable to open up and let everyone know thats who he is. 2. He can tell everyone that he is gay and thats who he is and deal with people saying things about him, and just ingore him, its a tuff sitution but once he is out of school it will be alot better for him, no matter what there will always be people saying things about him but as long as he is happy with him sexuality then so be it and da hell with people who cant except it....and the only website that i know of is dearcupid have him talk to people thats gay, well i hope you helped, and if he is willing to talk you can find me on here and i can help him out i went through this time
...............................
A
female
reader, Midge +, writes (21 March 2007):
 I was 17, at school and my best friend was gay. Everyone knew it, but he was absolutely petrified at what people may think.
The only thing you can do, is be there for him, because unfortunately there is stigma attached to being gay. And quite frankly there shouldnt be. Reassure him that he is still the same person he was before and coming out of the closet is going to be hard, but you will be there for him through all the good and bad stuff.
He has to make the first move, you can only reassure him and help him come to terms with other peoples opinions.
If he hasnt told his family, they are obviously the first ones he needs to talk to. They may take it badly, but at least thats the hardest part done. After that, people should just take him for what and who he is!
its not easy, but its got to be done at some point, and sooner rather than later!
...............................
|
