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male
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anonymous
writes: Hi. I recently found out a very close friend of mine has been sleeping with her half brother. She is 18 and he is 31. They did not grow up together and only met two years ago. I am the only one that knows after she told me drunk one night – since then she will not talk about it.She got pregnant last year and told everyone it was by her ex boyfriend, but she admitted it was by her brother and had an abortion as she was afraid the baby would have health problems.She knows it is wrong to do what she is doing, but she admitted that night that she can’t stop herself as she is in love with him. I know she is very depressed over the issue – she has been very down and I think this is why, she is tormenting herself.I want to help, but don’t know how. She won’t talk about it with me, and she won’t stop. If he found out I knew he would go mad and possibly hurt me. I am worried about her, and can’t help feel that because of the big age gap that he is taking advantage of her vulnerability. However, I also know she is an adult and can make her own choices in life, I just want to look out for her.It has crossed my mind to tell her mother about this – she would stop it happening. I know this might cause family trouble, which I don’t want, and maybe cause me and my friend to fall out, however I honestly think this would be best for her in the long run. When she gets over her infatuation with him I think she will feel better it is all over and hopefully be happy again.Help.
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reader, anonymous, writes (25 October 2005): Incest is especially common in families, where judgment and boundaries are impaired and your friend likely had emotional problems before the onset of this affair with her half-brother or her moral ethics would've kicked in and she would never have allowed it to begin. Sadly, over time, she has likely developed even more low self-esteem, feelings of being worthless or "dirty," and an abnormal view of sexuality..as this older brother is takes full advantage of her. This is what is causing her severe depression and you have a right to be concerned about her. Add to that, she's blinded by love for this fellow and her conscience keeps telling her it's wrong. What a horrible place to be trapped in. I am worried about the possibility of this overtaking her..it sounds like she's on the edge.
Before you do anything, go one step at a time. See if you can persuade her go to her family doctor, a minister in the church or call a crisis center and see if she can get counselling immediately. If nothing works, you may have to enlist the aid of her Mother and let this Mother decide, if the rest of the family should know. Yes, it will likely hurt and cause pain, but someone like her Mother needs to know, in order to love and support her and see she gets the help she so badly needs. As a Mother myself, I know I would want to know if one of my children (adult or otherwise) was suffering, irregardless of the cause. What a good friend you are to be concerned for her. Take care of her and keep being strong. God bless
Hugs,
Irish
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female
reader, Topps +, writes (25 October 2005):
Wow, your friend has put you in a tough position and what she is doing is passing all her worries onto you. I think someone termed the phrase 'emotional vampire'. this is not your problem, you are not related. How will your intervention make you feel better or anyone in her family.
You need to seek professional advice and so does she. Inter-family realtionships are a very big taboo and come with many many extended problems, probably too big for just yourself to deal with. She is 18 and can seek confidential advice, suggest to her she do so as you can not cope with the strain of her problems. You can not fix this situation, so stop worring that you are responsible for that. If you need to, ask your friend not to discuss it with you anymore as you are too worried (and it seems in fear of your personal safety). Dont worry that you are letting her down. Surf the net first for professional local advice lines/centres that you can tell her to go to, if she doesn't want to go, her choice - she's an adult, like you said!
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