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female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes: I have a friend who's asking me to do stuff she herself doesn't want to do. At first I didn't realize what was going on, because she found ways to present things in another light. Instead of saying to others (I am not the only one) the truth, that she was afraid of illegal downloading books, music films etc. she would ask others to do it saying that she doesn't have internet connection or that she doesn't know how or that she can't find what she's looking for.... Btw, she would NEED internet connection to get those books from me since we live in different countries. I find it hard to tell her the truth that I don't want to do it for her. I don't want to be confrontational and tell her that I think that what she is doing is hypocritical. If I behaved the same way I would think that of myself too.So I either tell her that I can't find the book or that my internet connections not great. The latter happens to be the truth ever since we moved.To test whether I was right, when she asked for a few books ("she couldn't find herself"), I found them and sent her the links, she never used them! So... is my approach ok?
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reader, anonymous, writes (6 October 2020): By the way, I am the anonymous person who said about when her friend died.The friend would usually be too busy for meets, she did not want to chat on phone ever, not because she was too busy, she did not work and had masses of time, it just was not her thing. She was only interested in emails.She did not want my opinion, she never asked for advice.She wanted me to be the one who spends a whole week of her time researching things for her, so she could carry on playing scrabble all day and her husband could be on his playstation and watch tv all day, and to save her asking her precious daughter, who had masses of spare time compared to me, or other friends who she regularly phoned and met up with.I would have had to take a week off of work unpaid to do that research - and basically I would have been doing it so that precious husband did not have to stop playing on his playstation and watching films to do it for her.I know that he would have done it for her if she had asked but she thought it more important that he had fun.I remember when she used to live near me and I was single and alone then, struggling with a broken leg in plaster finding it hard to do anything. She did not want to come over, she did not want to ring to ask how I was or if I needed any shopping.I bear all this in mind. You know you can have friends who are good friends and friends who are less important, you need to work out which is which and treat them accordingly.
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reader, anonymous, writes (6 October 2020): You have to learn to be honest and assertive. You're mature enough to know better than to even be tempted to do something you know to be illegal...FOR ANYBODY!!!
You don't want to be confrontational? Seriously?!! Someone is blatantly trying to use you, willing to compromise your integrity, maybe even your freedom; and you find it hard to tell her you won't do it?!!
Simply tell her you won't do it, because IT IS ILLEGAL!!!
She is not a friend! She is a user, and she keeps her hands clean by putting others up to it, that she considers suckers! It reminds me of someone holding a very high political office in this country!
Since when was being honest confrontational?
If she gets caught in a sting operation; do you want your contact-info and evidence of your regular communication on her hard-drive and in her message history? You don't know what kind of mess she's into or who's watching her!!!
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reader, anonymous, writes (5 October 2020): Never mind about whether it is illegal to do these downloads, if she wants them let her download it herself. You are talking as if you need excuses and justification for saying no. How about she wants the downloads so it is up to her to do them, whether they are illegal or not.
If someone asked you to go to the shop to buy them something legal would you rush off and do it for them or tell them to go and do it themselves?
Friends do not expect you to run around for them. And only someone weak does.
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reader, anonymous, writes (5 October 2020): I decide whether to say yes or no to someone who asks a favour depends on how big the favour is, how time consuming it is, whether or not it inconveniences me or costs me money but also how good the relationship is, how much they contribute to my life and my happiness, would they do the same thing or the equivalent of it for me.If this woman cannot be bothered to look up things for herself why should you do it for her? She is the one who would benefit from it!A few years ago I met an older lady at a social club, we talked about the possibility of sometimes meeting up for coffee or going to the cinema or for a meal together.I have a husband and am very busy, she is retired and has masses of spare time. But she was the one who was not keen, dragged her feet, always had excuses, so I just forgot about it and moved on.Now and then we would somehow bump into each other and she would never mention it, but if I said anything about meeting up she would go on about maybe phoning me soon etc and then not bothering. Then a few years later she dropped a note through my letter box, the first time she had ever reached out to me since we had met about eight years ago. It told me that she had to go into hospital soon for a hip replacement.Gave me the dates - which would boxing day - and said that she needed me to go around to her place after that to visit her as she would be laid up and unable to drive or get out. I ignored it.When boxing day came she phoned me and went on about how she needs me to visit her as she cannot get out and asked me whether I would be going that week or the week after - as if it was definite that I was going, it was just the date that she needed to know.I also could tell that she would expect me to visit her a lot while she was stuck indoors and then when she was able to get out and about again drop me. I said no I will not be visiting. She pushed and pushed about it as if I had no right to be too busy or say no.I said no and refused to explain why. She could figure it out for herself.I also knew that she had lots of visitors, several daughters visited nearly every day, she had more visitors than most people.
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reader, anonymous, writes (5 October 2020): Someone posted here recently asking for advice on how to say no to people who want favours - was it you? It sounds very similar.The thing that most do not understand is that saying no is the easy bit, worrying that you have offended them and list their friendship is the big bit. But you need to see that if you need to buy someone's friendship by being their unpaid slave they are not friends in the first place. Friends care about you, they do not just see you as someone who is there to benefit their life. They offer to do things for you to, they think of how they can benefit your life too.Anyone who wants to take all of the time is just a user.I posted here before on this - explaining that a friend of mine had died after being housebound for months.She wanted me to thoroughly research into her medicines... something very time consuming which would have meant me closing down my business for at least a week - losing a week's money, losing clients and getting behind with my own things.In a way I felt mean when I said no, but her husband was spending all of his waking time playing computer games and watching television, right there with her all day!He never lifted a finger and she was fine with that.She had a daughter who she did a lot for, who had more spare time than me who could have done it. She had other friends who she had put before me when it came to socialising and keeping in touch and invites and such,who did not work and had far more time than me.She was only asking me because she somehow dare not ask them. She did not want to offend them by asking them.Yet they were the ones who had time to do it.Incidentally although she was very ill she was on her computer all day, she could have researched it herself!Over the twenty years I had been friends with her she had never helped me, never looked out for me, she had always been just a casual friend.So when she begged me to email her every day, as she started to struggle more, I made sure I did.But her daughter never did, her husband still did not do a thing and none of her so called very close friends bothered to phone her or email her once during that time.Because I own and run businesses people have often come to me expecting me to write letters for them, make phone calls for them, research things, follow things up,go to meetings for them and all sorts. All time consuming. All as if I am their secretary. And always people who forgot I existed when it came to inviting people to their birthday party and fun stuff, or who to stay in touch with for a normal chat.My partner is a wonderful man who would move heaven and earth to do the smallest thing for me. Hence, because he does not take me for granted, is not a user, does not just see me as a convenience, I do whatever I can for him without waiting to be asked.This is what I think you should do. Be more selective about who you help. In fact be more selective about who you call a friend and who you give your time to.Perhaps you are lonely and this is why you stay in touch with people that you know do not really like you or want you but come to you when they want something, that is sad. You deserve so much better.You are better off with just one friend who cares than a hundred who treat you as a convenience.I have had lots of times when I could have been with users and preferred to read a good book.You need to put yourself first, this does not mean that you are cold and hard, it means that you are wise, grown up and self preserving.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (5 October 2020): This is your fault. You let her walk all over you and never say no to her when she asks. What do you expect? I’m not saying she is right in the way she is behaving. Of course she isn’t. She’s an entitled brat. But you are enabling her to be like that. It’s like parents who give their children what they want and then complain there child has become a rude, spoilt brat! People will only treat you how you allow them to treat you. Get a backbone. Say NO!! Once you start saying it she will eventually give up and not ask stupid favours of you anymore as she’ll realise she can’t get away with it. She will probably even respect you more.Are you afraid you will loose your friendship if you did speak up? If so, why? She clearly isn’t a good friend to you to begin with. So why have people like that in your life? Find friends that do respect you. She isn’t a friend if she expects you to break the law. Realise that you deserve better than that. People will walk all over you if you allow it.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (4 October 2020): Hi guys, thanks for your advice!!!
I did send her the links and told her that I can't download anything anymore because it's illegal here.
The only thing she said was "Thanks".
I just wanted to say to anonymous reader: I'm sorry your friend died. This friend of mine keeps doing the same thing you described! She keeps asking for my opinion on everything.Instead of googling she calls me. I know that she's just looking for emotional support, but it's exhausting. I told her that...
Btw, she's been a family friend so it's hard to just not be friends... that's why I'm trying to redefine our relationship.
Thank you all again!
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female
reader, Honeypie  +, writes (4 October 2020):
 I'm with the just tell her: " no, I can't do that, it's illegal over here."
Don't become a liar like her.
Sending her the links is another good way to show that you can FIND a book but you will not download.
BUT the best thing is to SET up clear boundaries. Which you do by telling her no.
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reader, anonymous, writes (4 October 2020): The thing people seem to be missing with this problem is that this person is not a friend. She is an acquaintance at most, a liar and a user. Why call her a friend? Why would you want to know someone like this? Why does it matter that you say something she does not like? Why would you want to continue this false friendship?I have known lots of people like this over the years, you put yourself first.Why would you spend your time doing these things for her when she can do them herself? This is not about how it is illegal it is about how you are saving her time and using up your own in the process. You are not her secretary come personal assistant.I once had a friend who became ill. She was at home, frail, unable to do much. Her doctor had given her some medicine and she was unsure about it, she would have liked to have had the run down on it, knowing what side effects she might get from taking it etc.She asked me to research this medicine - thoroughly - and give her the low down on it. She also wanted this done on other medicines. To do this properly would have taken me days of research.She ignored that I was running a business and working long hours and had very little spare time - I was turning away paid work because of a limit on my time.Her husband, who was totally healthy and retired was at home with her all day every day watching television every single day or playing computer games. He would not lift a finger, he would not cook her a meal, or dust a shelf, nothing. He just got up, watched tv, played games and then went to bed.She had other friends who did not work, who had masses of spare time, who owned and were good on computers, and did not ask any of them. Yet they had the time to do it. She asked me because I am reliable and efficient. But I was a friend of hers, not her secretary, personal assistant. I was very busy and my own things would have suffered a lot.When she asked me to somehow find the time to do all of this research for her I felt sorry for her, but I was not going to get more and more behind with my things and turn away more paid work and let down more clients to accommodate it. I politely and respectfully said I had a great idea, her husband , who is now at home all day twiddling his thumbs and great on computers can do it.I presented it as advice that had solved her problem.And then I refused to discuss it anymore.For three months she was very ill until she died.I was the only one who bothered to email her and stay in touch every single day. Even her own daughter, who she had done a great deal for, was too busy to stay in touch with her. That was far more helpful to her anyway.So this is about attitudes, time and being taken for granted, not just whether or not something is illegal.If you are scared to lose this non existent friendship if you say no then do what she wants, take risks, let her use you, but she will still not be a real friend.
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female
reader, Youcannotbeserious  +, writes (4 October 2020):
 I think sending her the links when her excuse for not downloading the books herself is that she can't find them is actually a great way to go. You know she is playing you (and your other friends) so no harm in playing her at her own game.
You could, of course, always just say "no" outright but I do understand that this is not always so easy with friends you want to keep.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (4 October 2020): Just tell her "no, it's illegal to do that in my country and I wont break the law". If shes a real friend she will accept that and continue to be your friend. If she is using you she wont bother you again and that will be the end of it. Users are not real friends.
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female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (4 October 2020):
 I don't think so, because you are doing the same thing you are accusing this person of : presenting things in another light.
" I can't find the book " is a lie. " My internet connection is not great "- this happens to be true atm, but you know this is not the real reason why you are refusing her request.
( Plus, it's only a temporary excuse and you'd have to invent another sooner or later ).
Frankly I can't see the problem in telling her " No, I can't do X because in my country it's illegal ". You don't need to antagonize your "friend " or to reproach her for her wrong ways. After all , you are not the moral police and have no agency on what she does. But you surely can set your own boundaries and stick to your own conduct code. And you don't need anybody's permission for doing this. So if your conduct code says " I won't unload illegal material "- then you simply do and say just that . I don't see who could object what.
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