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age
41-50,
anonymous
writes: My friend just got home from living in another country for 2 years and it seems like she doesn't really want to see me. I admit, things haven't been easy since our circle of friends are being petty with one another and my friend is caught in the middle. But she mainly rolls her eyes at us and changes the topic if I try and talk to her about it. She is also telling me how much she has "grown" and "changed" but it almost implies that she thinks she is better than us. She just got home and is still adjusting to everything, but she just doesn't seem like my old friend that used to be there for me. Should I just give her some time? Reply to this Question
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reader, anonymous, writes (11 November 2009): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionDear Agony Aunts, I agree with what you all are saying, but my friend who just got back would call me with all of her drama with her friends overseas as well. (She would go through the same thing we are going through, so perhaps we all have some growing up to do.) That being said, I know she is still adjusting to being home and all- I have lived abroad as well. I am happy she is home and look forward to hanging out with her. Your answers have given me insight as to what she may be experiencing and going through, so thank you.
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female
reader, Tisha-1  +, writes (11 November 2009):
 Having moved more times than I care to count, and having lived in 7 countries (9 if you count coming to stay in another country with your parents after you've moved out), I have a little perspective on this.
Your girlfriend's perspective on life and things has changed. She had no choice, it just happens when you encounter other cultures, foreign cultures, not moving from one end of the US to another. (Though you could make a case that there are significant regional cultural differences, and even town to town.) At any rate, the stuff that seemed so important 2 years ago now may seem petty and narrow-minded to her.
That being said, why are you trying to discuss something that is petty with her when she's tried politely not to get involved? She may have simply decided that it's not worth the time and energy you all are devoting to it. Expending psychic energy on negativity is a waste of time, from my perspective and perhaps your friend has adopted that idea as well.
When you ask, 'should I just give her time?', what do you mean, time to return to her 2 years ago self? Or time to start engaging in petty and pointless discussions again?
When I was moving, the people who moved a lot too knew where I was coming from. When I wound up in a place where people had never been anywhere to speak of (the beach and mountains don't count), and had no curiousity about other cultures, well, I would tend to hide my international background. I didn't want to seem snooty and seem like I thought I was superior. The fact of the matter is that I DID move a lot, that I DID get to encounter new people and thoughts and ways of life and it DID change me. Burying that just because it makes other people feel uncomfortable or somehow inferior is THEIR problem, not mine. I can adjust how I talk about it, but I'm not going to hide it if it comes up.
Your friend has gone through a life- and perspective-altering experience. She will have changed. Whether you honor that or not is up to you, but she doesn't deserved to be judged for that any more than you deserve to be judged for not having had that opportunity. She may be realizing that she has less in common with you all than she did in the past, and is just maturing in a different direction than you all are. It happens. International experience or no, sometimes friends just grow apart.
How much does she mean to you? Do you want to stay friends with her? Then consider what it is you are asking her to do, consider whether rehashing old crapola is really worth your energy and perhaps her avoidance of the issue is just a new maturity. Why encourage pettiness, gossip and small-mindedness? I would roll my eyes too, and try to change the subject.
I hope this helps in some way, and I know that this post is going to sound like a lecture to you and your friends. Right now, though, I identify more with your friend than I do with you, so maybe hearing this from me, a stranger, will help you see things from her perspective. Maybe it will give you some new and more interesting topics for discussion?
Take care.
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male
reader, CaringGuy  +, writes (11 November 2009):
Yes, do give her time. I'm afraid it probably is true that she has grown and changed, but don't take it personally. You probably have too. She's been abroad for 2 years, and had to look after herself and suddenly adapt to life on her own in a foreign country, which is a huge step. Maybe talk to her and just say that you understand she has come back and needs time to adjust again, and tell her that you're there for her and she's welcome to talk to you. Be a goood friend to her, but don't suddnly expect her to be her old self. That won't come back.
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