A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Dear aunts and uncles. So, this has to do with my best mate and my feelings of jealously over her. I'm 31 single and live in London. I met my mate (who's 29) 10 years ago at uni and we have been the best friends ever since, but recently it's all changed. Basically we've always been pretty similar in our paths in life, and i think that's why we are close, she was also in ok job, single etc and we were only 2 at our age who had not made life how wanted, but now thats all changed. See, as shallow as it sounds, I was always the hotter one out of us. I have a certain rock chick style that I've always had and she's always been the one in pretty dresses and girly. Now though she's basically had a major life and image change. She's got this new amazing job on double what we are both on in this cool media company which is a big career, she's also changed her style and is now dressing like I do, but because she's earning so much she's doing it better. She's had her hair done dramatically, complete makeover and admitly looks incredible. And I'm jealous. I hate the fact that one she's copied my style!! (in 10 years since known her she never dressed like is now) the fact she gets loads of attention now from guys and I'm the one left in shadow if we go out, the fact she's got this amazing job and has so many guys interested in her!! And she's buying her own flat now! I am just am consumed with jealous as I live in house share with no money, in a job that I like, but isn't big career and doesn't pay that much and is just an office job. I have no money to have a makeover, not that would as despite my feelings for friend I'm ok with how I look. I have no hope of buying flat, never meet men anymore etc. I do love her, but one I'm now jealous of her and two I don't like who she's become, as I feel she's just copies me but only a better version! And still she moans that she won't ever met man and her life is shit, despite fact she's 2 years younger, meets gorgoues men all time and as said got incredible job and own noe flat and is happy. I just don't know what to do! I can't face even talking to her, im half jealous that she's looking better then me, has better job and men want her when we are out. And I'm half angry that she's stole my style and did it better! Thing is I don't have many friends as all settled and she was my single girl, in the same boat as me, but now that's changed! I don't know what to do. I'd really just like to meet guy, settle down and then not have to focus or care about competing with her in draining! She could then go out and be me, I wouldn't care. What do I do! I know people say be happy for her and I am, but it's the whole copied my style thing that's got to me as she's done it better. And yes as said I can't help but be jealous over her job snf flat. See I don't want to change my job as said like it, I just wish she wasn't so everything perfect look perfect girl all of sudden!
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (23 April 2012): I was in a very similar situation a couple of years ago. My best friend went through such a radical change, I wouldn't have believed it was possible if I had not witnessed it myself. Suddenly she was living this amazing dream life, looking like a supermodel, popular, more money than she could spend, while my own life was getting worse. It felt like all of the things I was hoping for were happening...to her, not me.
In such circumstances, the "be happy for her" idea can only go so far. There are limits. You can be honestly happy for somebody if they are doing better than you, but when the difference between the two of you becomes too big, all you can feel is jealousy. And there is a good reason for that, you are angry because it is not fair. You know this person well, and you know she is not better than you, and yet, she has so much more than you do. It is just not fair.
A
female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (23 April 2012):
 You're just jealous now because the roles have changed and you don't like it. You're not used to it, and as such you haven't learned how to deal with it. But you will learn, in time. You'll learn how to handle this and allow other people happiness without meaning you are jealous.
It's really about allowing others their happiness. Allowing others to look good, and not thinking that their happiness and success will eat away YOUR happiness and success. However well they succeed, or look, or how much they earn, or how great their love life is, bears NO, absolutely no, impact on YOUR level of success and happiness. And as such, it should not bother you.
The only reason it bothers you now, like I said, is that you aren't used to it and haven't had to handle such a situation before. If you've been in the same "role" for too long you get stuck in it, and lose the ability to adapt quickly. You were stuck in the role as "hot rock chick" for so long, while she was the girly one. Now she's taken a role as "hot rock chick" herself, and you feel that this somehow means YOU have lost your role.
But there can be two hot rock chicks. There doesn't need to be only one, even though for years and years there was only one: you. And just because she now looks great doesn't mean you suddenly lost your attractiveness.
"Thing is I don't have many friends as all settled and she was my single girl, in the same boat as me, but now that's changed!"
No, it hasn't changed. She's still single, as are you. You're still very much in the same boat, and even if you weren't.. well, remember that allowing others to be happy does not mean you give away your chance to be happy. Happiness isn't a cake with only a certain amount of pieces. Happiness is instead a weird thing that breeds from itself and grows bigger when shared.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (23 April 2012): OP you do realize she isn't copying you but emulating you. That's not a bad thing OP, it means she's always looked up to you, how you dress, your confident style, your de-meaner etc.
How is it a bad thing that you're her inspiration? I mean you have to understand that none of who she is now or her success would have been possible without you in her life, or maybe it would but not in this way and not to degree of success she's having now.
OP you have no reason to be jealous either, she's not your competition she's your ally and you want to know a hard truth? While you may think it's difficult now living her shadow for the past couple of years or months, then what has it been like for her the last 10 years living in yours? Has she ever let that become a reason to let you down or treat you badly? Then don't let jealousy poison your friendship.
She's not copying OP, she's finally found the confidence, the money and the ability to be a success and a hell of a lot of that is down to you. You should be proud of her and yourself OP. The fact she has emulated you means that you're a good influence on her and inspiration but I bet you any money she still feels she doesn't compare to you.
Look beyond all this, a bit of jealousy is natural, one of my closest friends is a multi-millionaire and if I said I wasn't a bit jealous of that it would be a lie but he's a self-made man and a guy who is an excellent friend, besides I'm too busy constantly making my life better to be preoccupied with what he has. OP just start getting on with your life and go onwards and upwards, if she's been a good friend to you, one you can trust and one who's been there for you then she is in a great position to be a great ally to you and one who may have the connections help you move forward in your career too. That's what friends do isn't it?
So look be there for her, support her and be good to her because she may well not be as happy as you think you'd be in her place.
We just don't know what goes on in our friends heads. I had a friend who was a very successful business woman, had along term boyfriend, had began to run for office in the local city council, had lots of money, great friends, a lovely family and a jet-set lifestyle with lots of holidays and travel. Her boyfriend her body a few months back with an empty bottle of pills beside her. No one can understand why she did it because on the outside she had everything and always seemed so happy. If she says her life is shit then don't dismiss that, be there and reassure her it's not. You never know what is really going on in her head.
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A
female
reader, JaneSmith2012  +, writes (23 April 2012):
 In a way i would like to appreciate the fact that you are very honest about your feelings ... Iam not going to give you any advice about trying to feel happy for her , coz honestly ,that's nearly impossible for anybody to feel that way. If u ask me you should stop comparing yourself with her. This is the root cause of the lows that you are experiencing. Always remember , everyone is unique , no matter what. The only person in whom you will meet your match is YOU... compete only with yourself ...that way, other's success or failure will not bother you... And change is the only thing that's permanent in life... Today you might be feeling low about the fact that your looks arent making you popular enough , or that you are unable to buy an apartment or get a good salary so on , but all this will surely change within a matter of few years.. You dont have to change your job , instead you can aim for promotions and appraisals ..Go out and meet new people.. Go for a hobby or an activity..Date somebody outside the confines of your workplace.. Make sure that you have a social life beyond this best friend of yours who inadvertently is overshadowing your social life..Also do not change your appearance just because your friend has recently tried mimicking it ..Your individuality is something that defines you...Nobody can stick to a certain style of dressing unless they like it or find it comfortable. Besides copying your style is not probably working out for her (since she's moaning about not meeting the right man yet ) So in your friend's case it'll surely wear off once she fully realises that your style is not her cup of tea..Lastly remain friends with her unless she's ill treating you.. Dont lose a good friend over this issue which will eventually sort itself out as time passes...Good luck and take care :)
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A
female
reader, oldbag +, writes (23 April 2012):
 I do get what your saying and after all the years youve been mates it must be hard. Have you thought she copied you because for all these years she has been envious of you and its a compliment she has chosen to do your look.So maybe its time to change your image. Not drastic at first but slowly introduce it. At 31 maybe its time anyway for something fresh. Start trawling the charity shops and vintage stalls to get inspiration, look at changing your hair. Make it your project.Even consider a new job.Market a 'new person' to get your manYou do not have to compete with her. Start looking to network, find some new interests and friends Focus on your life so you dont on hers.But above all toast her success.
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