A
male
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:My male roommate (and one of my best friends) has recently started dating a girl online. They've only been going out for maybe a week or two tops.But since he got with her, he's completely obsessing over her. We had many projects we were working on together which he's basically ignored since then. All of our conversations now involve his new girl. He talks to her on the internet for hours and hours a day. He's even starting to neglect himself for her - he's eating less often and buying fewer necessities (toothpaste, clothes, etc.) so he'll have more money to buy plane tickets etc. It's also a "way too fast" situation - when he does talk to me about her, he's asking heavy stuff like "do you imagine her and i married?" or "how well do you think we are going to work out" and so on. It's like this is consuming his existence. The girl's no better, every evening when they get off the computer they act like they're never seeing each other again even though the next contact is probably eight hours away. (I'm talking crying and 'it's so hard to leave you' stuff.) When I can hear his side of conversations, they spend at least half their time discussing "why they're so great together" and "how this is truly going to last forever" and so on. He's altering his entire life plan around her - rescheduling or canceling events or obligations and so on. The funny part is that she herself CAN'T come see him because SHE has a temp job that doesn't give her any breaks till later summer. So he's decided to take unpaid time off his job (and lie about why).I've tried as nicely as possible to express that while I'm very happy he's found a girlfriend, that I'm concerned about his obsessiveness, and the impact it's having on our friendship and our roommate-ship. He doesn't seem to see any problems between himself and I and he sees his "obsession" as "love".Guys, I'm worried about his well-being, and the obsessive behavior is of great concern. I'm also worried about how he'll react if the girl does dump him - she openly admitted on her twitter that she's had a lot of boyfriends in the past couple years - almost bragging about it. "Oh, but I'm the guy who's going to settle her down", my friend says. "She loves me and I love her and we're a match made in heaven so I don't care about her past at all."To be fair, he has not neglected his bills or rent for this month, but based on things he's said I do feel he's planning to ditch our agreement to move in with her. "I have to be with her, you have no idea..." or "I am starting to rethink my life, and I'm feeling like I belong where she is." He and I have been friends for quite some time so "ignore him and forget about it" isn't as easy as it sounds, nor is the fact that he might skip out on our lease very reassuring. Normally he and I are very frank and can reason very well with each other, and he's even dated other people since we've become friends, but for some reason this PARTICULAR girl has gotten him so smitten that he's losing sight of himself!Anyone have any comments on this?Thanks
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reader, anonymous, writes (3 March 2013): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you for your advice.It looks like, sadly, I may end up having to end a friendship over all of this. It's sad, but this friendship has been one of the better ones, or so I thought.I tried to have a serious, heart-to-heart talk with him, but he is so completely infatuated that he not only continuously diverted the conversation back to his girl, but he finally told me that at this point, if he had his way, he'd leave now and go be with her and never look back.It's clear that there is nothing I can say that will get him to realize what this is doing to our friendship, and frankly, he's starting to look like a selfish idiot.He said he plans to visit her in a month. There's a lot of complications with them moving in together - her job, his family, distance, and so on. But he is bound and determined to do whatever he can with her. He's already sabatoged two job offers here, and he actually told the employers that he can't take the jobs because he might have travel plans coming up to see his girlfriend. It is feeling now like his commitments to me, his own career, and even our friendship is just collateral damage, casualties in the war of love. Then he puts me in an awkward position - "You know, there's a chance it won't work out and I'll be back after I visit her." Yeah. Uh huh. It's basically telling me to hope he'll have problems with her? That's not a good idea. In the meantime I'm stuck with a bunch of unfinished projects, and trying to figure out my financial situation. I am not the type who will advertise publicly for a roommate - I have a lot of reasons for this but I will only room with someone I already know personally and trust. So I'm really in a hole.But thanks anyway for the comments, and I welcome any additional insights.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (1 March 2013): Well you can't just completely forget or ignore this as you have projects that need doing and you have practical reasons you need to know he's not going shirk.
OP you can't do anything about his mad infatuation, nothing at all, you've been in love and you've been in the kind of immature love he is now, experiencing where it seems the most amazing and worth it thing in the world. I think we all go through that at least once when we're teenagers and you know from experience there is no talking someone out of that.
OP this will most likely be a hot and heavy short term fling, you know yourself things like this burn out quickly. The only thing you need to worry about is his responsibilities to you, financially and in terms of those projects. Pick and choose the ones most important and give him some slack on the others.
OP some people describe love as a mental illness and you have to admit it kind of is. While his head is in this place it's up to you as the outside party to ensure it doesn't mess up your friendship, and honestly the only way that's going to happen is by giving him a little bit of leeway to be an idiot. Remind him of his financial responsibilities and that's it. If he's so wrapped up in her he stops taking care of himself then she's not going to stick around long anyway.
He's a grown man, let him swim off into this beautiful ocean of loving amazingness with the queen of his dreams and let him enjoy it while it lasts.
You're going to have to put with hearing this cringeworthy crap for a little while longer so find ways to avoid some of that. Headphones in while at home, being out and about doing your thing, talking about your day etc. He's happy now so let him off, by all means voice your concerns to him and point out things you're worried about but don't put any pressure on him or be critical of him or he may just see you as his adversary.
Cut him some slack and let him make his mistakes, then when it all falls apart, console him, help him through it and throw out a few I told you so's for good measure.
In other words OP just be his friend, not his mother. you can't live his life for him and with friends like you around he's safe to get lost in this because you'll help him steady himself and pick himself up afterwards, but do make it clear that he cannot back out of the lease, that he cannot shirk his responsibilities to you.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (1 March 2013):
 I know it's hard to watch your friend living in a fantasy world and believing that it is reality. BUT here are the fact; he is a grown man, it's HIS life and it might/might not last.
It's ONLY been two weeks and running on high, but once time progresses I think you will see more of your friend and hear less of her. Long distance relationships are hard to maintain in reality.
But I would sit him down and tell him to go slow for his own sake, other then that I wouldn't try and tell him how to run his life. It's really not that uncommon that people who starts to date someone are a sucky friend for a little while because they are so caught up in this new person.
Now after he goes to visit her, if he starts slacking on his bills I would give him an ultimatum, pay our bills or I will find another room-mate.
Let him enjoy this fantasy, it may or may not work out in the long run.
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