A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:This is kinda a long qustion and one that has probably been a long time coming but which has suddenly been brought to the surface. I'm in a really awkward situation and I don't know what to do.When I was 14, my best friend killed himself. It was completely out the blue and I was devastated. To this day, I still have no idea why he chose to commit suicide. Suicide is always hard but it was made harder by the fact that 3 days before he killed himself he sent me a message asking if I was free to talk. I dismissed him and said because it was late, I was going to bed and we'd talk another time. I thought it was something trivial he wanted to talk about like music or school or something like that, I didn't realise it was serious, and 3 days later I was told he was found hanging in his bedroom. I never told any of our mutual friends about what he'd said to me 3 days before his death and to this day, still haven't told anyone who knew him. I didn't go to the funeral and used the excuse "I feel I've already said my goodbyes in private."I found it all very hard to deal with and for a while I guess I blamed myself. I'm still obviously sad for the loss of my friend because I'd known him most of my life and he was like a brother to me, but I no longer blame myself. I've learned that you cant blame yourself with stuff like this and people who kill themselves, if they fail the first time, they will likely try again. I know tis because about 2 years ago, a close friend of the family attempted suicide and failed. The next year he tried again and thi time killed himself. I wish I had been there to talk to him and hadn't gone to bed, but I realise whatever made him kill himself was something far bigger than anything I could have ever solved. I feel a strange calmness about his death, like I know whatever was hurting him so much can't hurt him anymore. I'll never forget him but I've moved on and dealt with my grief.Years on, I am 21 years old and at uni. After my friend died and I left high school, I lost contact with a lot of the people who were friends with him, until recently when my high school sweetheart, and mutual best friend of my friend who died, got back in touch around Christmas. We've been growing closer and there's still feelings there. It's really nice to be talking after all these years and I really do believe we have a future together. Everything just feels right.As we have got to know eachother again, I've realised that him and I dealt with my friends suicide very differently. Where as I feel I find it easier to block it out, including that he asked for help 3 days prior to his death, and athough still think of my friend and the happy times occasionaly, I have moved on. I feel as though my high school sweetheart hasn't. Somtimes if we accidently remember him in the passing, he goes very quiet. He blames himself. He says if anyone should have known he was going to kill himself, it should have been him - they were very close.I've always managed to keep quiet about my friend asking for help just before his suicide, but being around my high school sweetheart keeps reminding me of it. I feel almost guilty and it's eating me up inside. I don't know what to do. I haven't thought about the suicide in quite some time, but now I can't help but think about it, and the events leading up to it. I can imagining ho frantic with despair my friend must have been when he hung himself. It's morbid I know, but I can't shake it. My high school sweetheart doesn't know about what happened.What do I do? I don't think I should tell my hs sweetheart. It serves no purpose. Or should I? I feel what we have is special and I love him. I know you aren't meant to keep things from the people you love, but what if keeping those things from them would be better for both you and them? He still isn't over the suicide and has battled both a drink problem and an eating disorder in the last couple of years which he is now thankfully over. I worry this piece of information could trigger a relapse. Please help, I don't know what to do.
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male
reader, Fatherly Advice  +, writes (26 August 2009):
 I disagree with Sneaker. This issue to me is all about closure. You seem to have achieved closure for yourself but your sweetheart hasn't. I think getting closure as a couple will be helpful. But, (disclaimer here) I'm no expert. He has been fighting a drink problem ans an eating disorder, that means he may have been working with with a counselor or therapist. Considering your concerns for safety it would be a good idea for you to talk with his counselor before you talk with him. Your closure may have been aided by attending the funeral, that's what funerals are for. And what Sneaker suggested is a closure exercise. You both have a shared traumatic experience, there is no shame in getting some help to deal with it. More help than we at Cupid can give.
I am happy that you two have reconnected and hope for the best for you.
FA
A
female
reader, Starlights +, writes (26 August 2009):
 I am really sad to hear your story. Unfortunately it is so common that as humans we dont recognise the signs of someone in deep despair and suicidal tendancies.
Firstly you have nothing to feel guilty about.
You were a good friend to your friend who died else he would have felt the need to talk to you that time before he died.
Yes its true you didnt answer his call and went to bed but this is normal behaviour, it wasnt like you intentionally had this in your mind for him, your human and as such we are prone to fatigue.
The reason you feel guilty is because you have blocked up the feelings for your friends passing and not properly grieved. Your probably angry at yourself and until you learn to forgive yourself you cannot let this go. This is something you need to work on yourself.
I would advise you not to tell your sweetheart about this call. Because telling people about how your friend called you before he took his life wont help to bring your friend back. You need to work on forgiving yourself before that guilt feeling goes.
Just a note: I do know how you feel. My dear friend decided to take his life 2 years ago (september). He hanged himself in his bedroom. He left behind a wife and family.
He also called me the day he did it to talk, but because of the time difference between the UK & India (where he was) I was sleeping and didnt pick up the call (it was on silent). He killed himself minutes after he called me and i heard about it the next day from a call from his brother.
Only this year did i manage to forgive myself, (i went to india -his birthplace and said my goodbyes to finally let go)
We have to remember we cant change the past what is done is done & we have to move on forwards. This is what our friends would have wanted.
It true that many suicidal people feel they have no other choice then to take their lives and regardless of what we say they would do it anyway.
The following links offers help with coping with grief after suicide.
http://www.thelightbeyond.com/dealing_with_survivor_guilt_after_a_suicide.html
and a great article
http://www.drphil.com/articles/article/201
Good luck.
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A
male
reader, Uncle Sneaker +, writes (26 August 2009):
 I think you need to settle it in your own mind, not talk to anyone else about it and certainly not to someone who was close to your friend who died.
Why don't you go to.. wherever his final resting place was, or if that's not possible, go somewhere that he often went. Talk to him. Yes, I know that sounds ridiculous, but it works. I know from experience. Talk to HIM, as though he was there (some people will tell you he might be there - I don't know about that; I only know it works). Talk to him, and listen to yourself. Cry, if you want. Remember it all, every detail, and clear it out. Seven years? It's time to move on - not to forget, but to go forward without it dragging you back all the time.
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