A
male
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:Here on behalf of a very very very close friend.She has a boyfriend who all in all, is a lovely bloke. theyve been together for about 9 months... problem is his family and friends really don't like my friend. lets call him Joe.She fell for a guy about three years ago and has always had a crush on him, and this guy is in love with her.we'll call him rob.so she now has two men in love with her.I personally think she should start seeing the rob.shes always fancied but she has no idea how to end it with the other guy. makes her laugh and treats her very well.its like they were made for each other. and she can tell him everything. he knows pretty much everything about her.the other guy seems to be a bit of a liar and has a lot of "issuse" in his personal life. she finds it hard to tell him things and he dosnt understand her moods, rob always seems to know exactly what to say to her.but hes an amazing guy too... he tries and he does care for her.i think she is afraif in case it dosnt work out with Rob and she cant get with Joe again, because shes the type of girl who loves to be loved.she dosnt want to lose rob as a friend because joe was an excellent friend to her.i am lead to believe she has cheated with Rob in the past few months. Any advice would be great.
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reader, anonymous, writes (19 November 2007): What a mess! Tell her to break up with both of them and start fresh with smeone completely different. Someone who doesn't know her past cheating record. Cheating on Joe, with Rob was a very big mistake. Not only that, hanging onto Joe but wanting Rob, is a terrible thing to do to Joe. If she feels she may not be ‘matching up’ with Joe and she's wanting Rob, it truly is saying nothing too commendable about her. Only that she's acting very inappropriate. She in effect is using Joe. We don't do that to people. And if she were to date Rob, both of their 'cheating' behaviors will come back and cause serious doubts about trusting each other, down the road, if a relationship were to take place. Trust is foundational in a good, healthy relationship. This is why we don't cheat with someone we like...it tells them that we could be a liability in a love relationship if it were to occur, at some point. I would tell her to forget both guys. She doesn't care for Joe in the way he deserves..and she and Rob may never trust each other, all because they both cheated on Joe. Really..I think she's between a rock and a hard place.
A
male
reader, Lordtone +, writes (19 November 2007):
 Reading between the lines, really the question is not which one, Rob or Joe, but how does she split up with Joe so she can go out with Rob?She (and you) know that Rob is the one and although Joe is a nice guy, it would seem that your friend and Joe aren't truly compatible. This is the angle that your friend should take when finishing with Joe.If she was more cut throat (which I don't think she is) she could say the obvious, "I've found someone else" which would hurt Joe but would finish the relationship quite quickly. There's not much for him to come back on and in the same light the problem isn't with him so he wouldn't be in a position to offer to change his ways.A slightly more humane option to finish with Joe would be to say something along the lines of "We are just two different people with our individual aims in life, I think we've drifted apart because we want different things. Although we have had a lot of fun, I think if would be best if we didn't see each other anymore and move on." Speaking from experience, this option can tend to throw up longer conversations which sometimes end up in argueing but ultimately she will finish with Joe.Breaking up with someone is always hard but the sooner you do it the sooner you can (and he can) get on with being happy in life!
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