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female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes: I have a 10 year old foster child who refuses to got school. I work in the day and cannot leave the child home alone. The foster care agency I am with allows youths to refuse school at any age. I don’t want to give her back she’s a sweet child other than her stubbornness and refusal to do things.What can I do? Reply to this Question
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (11 January 2020): Social worker here. Can I ask how long you've been caring for this child?
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (10 January 2020): You must send her to school.You will be put in jail if she does not.So Yes you pull her out of the car and no that is discipline not child abuse.Take a parenting class you have a lot to learn.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (9 January 2020): If you cannot handle her you should give her back as you are not helping her by not setting rules.Do whatever you want...You need structure but since I pity you do whatever you want...that is you. When my over six foot son refused to go to high school I grabbed that little peace of hair on the back of his neck and dragged his butt to school took him to the office and told them I wanted a signed report from every class every day or I would go to school every class every day and sit right next to him.That my dear is called parenting.You are letting her walk all over you and right now this child needs structure.Letting her call the shots is not going to help her.You must have love empathy and discipline or she will never heal.Sorry if am am harsh but I tell it like it is.I also babysat for kids like the girl you have for many years...they would never behave for their parents as they were wrapped around their finger but when they got to my house they knew the rules and did behave because this mama does not put up with that. By the way my son excelled in school and even though I was tough he did thank me because now he is sucessfull.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie  +, writes (9 January 2020):
 "She said she doesn’t want to make friends and loose them!!!!!"
Yeah that is not a good enough excuse to not go to school.
Either this is a wind up post or this CHILD has you figured out and is taking full advantage of you.
OF course she has to go to school if you aren't home-schooling her!
"Typically, a student is not considered truant until he or she misses a specified number of school days without a valid excuse. For example, a state may define truancy as missing three full days of school in a single month, or 10 full days of school in a single year."
It doesn't MATTER what the private foster groups says, they DO NOT make or enforce truancy laws!
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (9 January 2020): Okay, my son refused to go to school when he was 11. He said it was "boring" but the real reason was that ppl were MEAN. Do you have other children? Do they go to the same school as your foster daughter? I need more info
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A
female
reader, Andie's Thoughts  +, writes (9 January 2020):
 Yeah, no reputable foster agency would leave you in this situation. If you weren’t capable of looking after your foster child and getting them to school or at least the doctor/counsellor, they’d take the child back to give them the help they need. If a foster child is too much for someone to handle, the agency step in to help. This post makes no logical sense.
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A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (9 January 2020):
 Of course this is total BS !- and can only have been written by someone who hasn't got a clue about how the school system, and the foster care system, really work in USA.
No legitimate foster agency would just so nonchalantly advise you to let it slide; they would loose their licence at once. ( It would come out soon , because after a certain number of absence days which varies by State , the school MUST make enquiries , and if they are not satisfied there's a legitimate reason for the absence, like illness- they must report to CPS. ) Plus , no parent in their right mind would risk having to pay the hefty , punitive fines and being dragged to court ,for having enabled truancy without even bothering to engage the system, and to contact their Placement agent, and the school itself in order to set up a conference with the teacher and the school counselor.
These are the main( but not only ) reasons which make me say this is BS.Yet what I find interesting, and may be interesting for other readers is that , even IF it were all true - no, forcibly removing a child from a car to send her to school would not be considered to be child abuse. At most, it would be "reasonable " or " moderate " use of discipline.
(Providing that there was not an excessive, unnecessary, intentional use of force , obviously )
While the definition of child abuse is not univocal and inequivocable among the various legal and social institutions appointed to defend and promote child safety and wellfare, still , both by the letter and the spirit of the law, °intent° is a very important factor, if not the most important one. Hitting a child with an object or with part of your body knowing you will cause pain and WANTING them to feel pain is generally costrued as child abuse . Dragging a child by his / her hair , for instance, to make sure he / she is not run over by an incoming car- it's not child abuse even if you hurt them badly.
Between these two clear -cut cases there are many in-between situations where legislators , social consensus and plain common sense steer us toward the best possible solution according the circumstance. In these circumstances , and AFTER all other resources ( like , the foster parent taking days off from work to explore the issues with the child in the quiet and privacy of the home environment...) have been unsuccessfully tried , - no, removing the girl from the car even if she were uncooperative, and in the intent to comply with the law, would certainly not constitute child abuse.
The funny thing is, what instead is undoubtedly included in the definition of " child abuse " , is making ( or letting ) your kids skip mandatory education, and also not doing absolutely anything in your power to make sure they comply with their scholastic obligations...
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A
female
reader, Ivyblue  +, writes (9 January 2020):
 Permitting a child not to attend school or have exposure to some sort of education is a form of child abuse. An agency having policies like that is certainly eyebrow raising. Has the child ever been at school whilst in your care, but now refusing, if so what have the teachers noticed, if anything? Id start by speaking with the school. Perhaps it could be that the child start with a few days a week or 1/2 days and built up to full time. Have them buddied up with another child to feel supported while there. Im not sure what you have tried already so Im just throwing ideas out there. Try make the thought of going appealing to them by talking about all the positives and give strategies to use when they might feel overwhelmed. This would need to be things the teachers have in place and support also. May be you could take them shopping and let them choose their bag and accessories. Get them really involved with getting organised to go. A small cheap disposable camera and ask them to take pictures of the fun things they do for them to show you when they get home. You could visit the school library together after school and get books you can read to each other. Anything positive to try an engage. Im not sure what your financial status is but there are alternative education environments beyond the normal concrete jungle type. We have them in my country. For example there are schools where childrens learning and subjects are developed through being able to learn through authentic experiences in nature. Maybe this could be worth having a look into. However, this child will need all the support available to her as much as yourself. Good luck
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A
female
reader, Aunty BimBim +, writes (9 January 2020):
 Education is compulsory in the US. No foster agency would risk their licence by opening encouraging foster parents to break the law.
Sometimes it can take many months for a doctor or psychiatrist to build a rapport with children patients, any doctor or counsellor who has had the child as a patient would be aware of that, as should a foster parent.
Due to the above I still call BS.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (9 January 2020): I live in America! Why the Hell would I waste time writing it! It is not BS! You cannot physical force a child out of the car!!! IT WOULD BE CONSIDERED CHILD ABUSE. The child was abused and that’s why their in foster care!! She won’t talk to counselors, she won’t speak to the doctor. She said she doesn’t want to make friends and loose them!!!!!
At home she is open and talkative. State law requires that the child goes to school. However, the Foster care agency, (It’s a Private one)! Said if the youth does not want to go to school they do not have to. I can’t pull her out of the car that is abuse!
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A
female
reader, Aunty BimBim +, writes (9 January 2020):
I'M CALLING BS ON THIS POST!
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (9 January 2020):
I also wonder what country you are in.
Why is she refusing? Is she being bullied/teased? Does she have academic problems?
And I agree she is a CHILD at age 10.
You need to find you WHY she refuses and get her help.
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A
female
reader, Aunty BimBim +, writes (9 January 2020):
what country are you in that permits children in care to not attend school?
Are they not there to ensure children are given the very best possible care, which would include access to schooling.
You may need to take some time off work, in UK or Australia for example I would expect the foster agency to have access to counselling and other services. The child may be being bullied at school or might have self esteem issues for the very reasons that see her in care.
And a 10 year old is not a "youth" she is a child. Youths are usually defined as in their early teens.
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