A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:About 6 months ago I changed jobs. I left a role I held for seven years to try something different... but, I also left because of a terrible work culture that gave me anxiety regularly. The company’s C-suite were men and very immature men who were known to drink until they black-out with entry-level employees. They would travel on the company’s dime all the time, spending money on booze and hookers - and this was widely known. I held a senior position in the company and was often told I should hire cute girls because they improve the morale of the office. I was also asked to sanction one of my entry level employees sleeping with the CFO. The CSO did have an affair with an entry-level employee who ended up leaving. On top of the wildly inappropriate behavior, they were bullies. They’d bad-mouth employees to me and then turn around the next day and change their story. They’d often only spend time with 1 or 2 employees so as to gain their trust and confidence, gossiping with them and use that against them. It was actually pretty surreal. Admittedly, I got sucked into their world even sacrificing my own morals and ethics. I ended up having an affair with my boss (the CEO). We are both married. I don’t need to be lectured here on that one. I know how terribly wrong it was and stupid for that matter. I ended it and tried to get back to a “normal” state with him - but, he really couldn’t. The fracture definitely impacted my decision to leave, but it wasn’t the real reason. I just finally got out of the fog to realize how terrible their behavior was and that the culture was no place for me. But, now, I miss the job terribly. I am heart sick over the position I had and even the fun times I did have - before they went real dark. I know it’s absolutely crazy to feel this way. I feel like this is a delayed PTSD response or something. I know I made the right decision for my morals, ethics, family, heck even pay (I got a significant salary boost). Why am I crippled with depression then?
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reader, anonymous, writes (9 January 2020): Coming out of such a depraved den of iniquity, and being a part of it; expect to have some withdrawal-symptoms. Don't look back!
You did get some twisted or warped-gratification out of that environment; but your inner-core and deeper-conscience took precedence, and you removed yourself before you sank deeper and deeper into that insane culture.
You are human, but if you remained in a culture of darkness and wickedness; you'll become a permanent part of it. You've confessed your faults, and require no criticism or condemnation for it. You got the heck out of there!
It's natural to miss your job. It was a major-mechanism to reaching financial-success. You've worked hard, and gained recognition for your skills and qualifications; as you climbed the ladder of success. As a woman, you broke the glass-ceiling! It was your home away from home; considering it takes a lot of hours and dedication to reach a position of power and authority. What woke you up was when you became an instrument or tool for the destruction of others...particularly other women! When you started to sense the ugly-undertones of deception and destruction.
The problem is when we start compromising our morals, standards, and values. When we become hard, selfish, and desensitized. Sinking into deprecation and seeking to destroy others as a means to an end. When we find ourselves becoming foulmouthed and vile. Acting out of character, and starting to feel guilt. That's your conscience reining you in; before you sink so low you can't get out of the mire. People seem to have no moral-compass, no filters, and no compassion these days. All that matters is money, sex, pleasure, and immediate-gratification. Crushing and destroying other people becomes a sport; and exposing the weaknesses or secrets of others is a game.
Boy, do I feel you!
Yes, you miss some of that high-energy, the adrenalin-rush, and the intrigue...the "drama" as Honeypie wisely and succinctly put it!
We all have a darkside, and a side of light. The darkside will crave things that please the flesh; while the light seeks to rise above those things that drags us down into a pit of depravity and disgrace. You are a good-person by nature; but you are also human. It takes strength in these modern times to pull yourself away from a bad-environment that will devour you; and change you into something you are not, and never want to be. Success doesn't have to be toxic and filthy! It's a blessing! God rewards hard-work! It's why people who have everything are depressed, lose hope, drink, take drugs; and ultimately, commit suicide. While those on the outside looking in, figure they had everything...and couldn't fathom how they could be so unhappy?
I crave times when I used to party-hardy! Back in those days when I splurged and flaunted my financial-success! Something deeper within me always made be feel a sense of guilt; and my inner-convictions that were based on my faith and good-upbringing, gnawed at me. You were raised on higher-principles and standards; and you decided you needed out! You couldn't breathe that polluted-air...and oh, how I can relate to that!
I couldn't remain sane or happy in the environment of my rise to success. When youthful-success made me forget who I really am; adopting the ways of people who just lived for their pleasure and materialism. Who lost their sensitivities, and carelessly mistreated the people who loved them! Taking them for granted! I just couldn't stay around an environment like that. Like you, I had to cut-loose, and run for my life! I gave myself back to my faith. I haven't lost any success; in fact, I'm even more blessed now than ever.
Am I tempted to go back to a life of partying and fleshly-pleasures? Do I want to just cut-loose and go buckwild? Hey, I am as human as anybody else; and I do miss the good-times, but not all that came with it. Backbiting-friends, co-workers who were like a school of hungry-sharks, snobbery, and gloating over myself. I reached my point of saturation, just like you did. The real-me fought its way back to the surface.
My advice? Just let those feelings of temptation fade. Fight them! They will always come-back; and they will try to draw you back into mingling with the devils and demons you used to know. The flashbacks and ruminations you have of that past-life will purposely censor and edit-out the nastiest parts of that way of life. You've come-out better on the other-side. Feeling much relieved the devil didn't win! You would have found yourself resorting to drugs, alcoholism, and sex-addiction; while you would have abused your power by hurting weaker-people. You'd try to bury your own terrible-secrets, in a attempt to protect yourself from any form of judgement or reproof. That was not you, nor the life you wanted to live. You miss the good-parts! The good-ole days, and some of the bitter-sweet pleasures that were so tantalizing and foreboding.
If I hadn't been in your shoes, I wouldn't have answered your post!
God bless and guide you! May He keep you on the straight and narrow-path!
A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (9 January 2020):
 Because you got a "high" out o the drama they created, that is why you ended up lowering your own standards, because YOU got something out of it. Even if it was temporary, they made you feel like you were accepted by them.
I don't think your "depression" is due to your old or new job. I think it's you battling with the fact that YOU weren't really "BETTER" than them. That despite you own sense of self and sense of duty and morals you still went into the muck and "played" with the bad boys. THAT (I think) you find harder to forgive. You own "bad" behavior. The whole "boys club" might have been a little intoxicating and you are PISSED at yourself for joining in.
And perhaps some of your misery is the fact that YOU did nothing. You stood by and watched piss poor behavior and then later joined in to an extend. Know that sometimes you can't FIX shitty people. A company that has that kind of environment is usually rotten to the core and to the top. You left. NOT your circus, not your monkeys any more.
THAT is my guess. (not bashing you, just telling you how I think I would feel in your shoes).
KNOW that you did the right thing here. THAT company will eventually end up with some sexual harassment cases, I wouldn't doubt it.
So what can you do? Well..
1. DEAL with what went down. PROCESS it. Analyse it. ACCEPT your own participation and then FORGIVE yourself for that. KNOW that you ARE better and CAN do better, which is why you left. Trust me EVERYONE makes mistakes and have regrets. It's life.
2. How is your marriage? Does the hubby know about your affair? If not, why haven't you owned that? Maybe not owning your actions and taking responsibility for them is partly why you are still beating yourself up. If you HAVE told him, how is it going rebuilding the marriage? Are you ACTIVELY trying to make it work? Is he?
3. It sounds more like "Stockholm's syndrome" than PTSD. But I am no clinician and can't diagnose you. It sounds like you are little in denial over what kind of people they ARE and WERE. That is why you look back with rose colored glasses. Time to wake up. Maybe a therapist can help you work through what is REALLY at the core here.
But maybe some of what I mentioned is something to think on?
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