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male
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anonymous
writes: I am 19 and I have not yet had sex or even had any kind of relationship with someone. I find this depressing and rather odd. Recently I have met somone but she was going out with somone else at the time but after many months of us being friends she dumped her boyfriend to go out with me. Then suddenly in the space of a week she decided to go out with him again.This has really upset me and I can't imagine being with anyone else ever. Is this because I have never really been with anyone?
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (24 August 2005): I'm also 19, and in my first relationship, so I know exactly where you're coming from. I think it is more difficult for people like us, who waited longer before pursuing relationships (for whatever reason or whatever lack of opportunity), to imagine a second lover after our first relationship. I can't imagine being with anyone but my current boyfriend ever. But, in spite of that, I do think that it is something you can get over--it'll just be a little bit harder, since your heart is so fresh.
I do advise you to avoid this girl in the future. Even if she offers to take you back (which is likely, knowing girls like that), you should never go back with someone who would treat your feelings in such a way.
Also, it's not weird or abnormal that you're a virgin at all! I'm a virgin, and I know many 19-year-old virgins. My boyfriend is 20, and also a virgin. It's cool if you want to wait, in my opinion. I'm waiting until my wedding day. I don't want to have sex with anyone but the person I'll love forever. Contrary to what the rest of the world would have you believe--we're the ones to be envied. We can give our virginities away at any time, but they can never get their virginities back. I want to encourage you to be proud of your virginity (even though I know it's harder for guys). If you want your future wife to be a virgin (as most guys do), why shouldn't you give her the same? Guys don't know how much it hurts girls, knowing that they've had sex with other women. Girls have low enough self-esteem as it is, without having their boyfriends' past regrets hanging over their heads. I think it's awesome if you want to stay a virgin, because it will make your wife feel very special and secure someday.
-Heather
A
reader, pops +, writes (23 August 2005):
Yes. Keep fishing. You will find someone else, and probably sooner than you think. Get to know women first, so that you have topics of interest in common, before bedding them down. At your age, everyone understands that both men and women have the urge to explore sexuality with a partner. But the sex is better, and you will be happier, if you get to know her, and you begin learning how to communicate frankly with each other about everything sexual, starting with birth control, virginity, likes and dislikes. Read everything you can about sex, - you can try AllSexAdvice.com- on your computer,to start, books, videos, etc. so that you acquire knowledge about techniques, as well as how to have a mature relationship. You need to learn how to always think about pleasuring your lover rather than just taking care of your own needs. Women will pick up on the fact that you are caring and tender, and will be more likely to want to have sex with you, and get to know you better, than if you don't learn these things. You are only 19. Yes, other men your age have already had sex, and lost their virginity, but not all of them. It will happen when it is time. You have other work to do so that you can learn to be a good lover before thinking about losing your virginity. The girl you are mostly likely give your virginity will most likely know little to nothing about how to pleasure you, either. You will have to know that, and teach her. ( The late Dean Martin, a famouse Hollywood TV Emcee, and singer, and Las Vegas entertainer, once got away with saying on his TV show, " I lo-o-ove Teachers! Because when I do it wrong, they make me do it again!) Now do you understand what you need to learn to do? Get busy getting educated, while you find another girl.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (23 August 2005): Dear, you've been dumped and all this will pass. Believe me-time is your friend and a healthy recovery is important. If this was your first relationship-you are learning about the ins and outs of relationships. I don't think this had anything to do with your inexperience. A person has to begin somewhere. You just made a "poor choice" in whom you dated. She still had feelings for the ex bf..simple as that. It is natural to feel hopeless when it doesn't work out especially if you thought it might.
Beyond whatever feelings of sadness you may feel on the surface-stay aware that somewhere, deep down, there is always hope. Feeling sad is an understandable but totally counter-productive answer to your disappointment. It does nothing except compound your misery and, often, turns a minor setback into a devastation zone that affects other areas of your life, as well as future relationships. Focus on the knowledge that, given time, you'll be able to look back on your experience and take some important lessons from this experience.
This may not seem like a helpful thing to hear when you're still smarting, but you have to intellectually acknowledge that you will take something positive out of the pain you're feeling now, even if just now you haven't the foggiest notion of what it is, right now.
As things start to become clear and you see what was wrong with the relationship and what you should have done differently-identify areas you can work on. Determine what qualities this woman had that you want in future suitors, and what traits he or she exhibited that you don't want.
This life-learn from it and don't be hard on yourself..it happens to all of us! Take care and be well
Hugs and Smiles,
Irish
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